DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

In this issue: - USC moves campus to Bristol, Connecticut - Cal reloaded and ready to smoke - Ducks waddle to the forefront - Huskies stuck with great coach, lousy team - Cougars irrelevant again! = Beavers? Anyone seen the Beavers? - Ohio State leads national polls, arrest records too.

Expertly coached Huskies picked to finish last
Race Bannon, PHD of Football

In a shocking turnaround from all the great publicity that Coach Willingham gets, the Washington Huskies are picked to mirror last season's last place finish in Coach Willingham's second year at the helm of the Good Ship Husky. We can only assume that the players are still not up to the lofty standards of the Husky Head man, who has been trying to reload the cabinets with "his type of players", which has led to low numbers and thin depth at many positions due to academic shortcomings. These factors may doom the Huskies to the basement.

In a more serious development, this may the last year to blame Rick Neuheisel for all the losing, so look out Gilby fans, your boy is next! Willingham is rumored to have at least four more years before he is held accountable for anything other than picking up that large check every two weeks.

We asked the AD, Todd "Tiny Tim" Turner to comment on this developing situation and Turner granted us an audience where he exclaimed, "God bless us, each and every one!"

Attempts to reach University President, Elmer Gantry were met with a tape message telling us to - "Go see Cal! Go see Cal!" The school or the used car salesman? You make the call.

Editor's note: Race Bannon apologizes for being in mid season form as far as bitterness and sarcasm goes, but a 3-19 jag will do that to a jaded, ink stained wretch who has poured 40 years of his soul into a football program that is more suited for the landfill under Montlake than the stadium on top of it.

No doubt summer workouts were the best attended in years. No doubt the weight room was packed day and night. No doubt the stain of Rick has been erased yet again. No doubt we got the best coach in America picked by the best AD in America.

It's all too beautiful for mere words. Now if only we can get reality to match the loads that have been dumped on us by Upper Campus Minions anxious to shower the Women's Volleyball Team with the luxury they so richly deserve, all without actually having to put up with the messy police blotters that REAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL seems to bring.

Just send money and shut up already. We'll get to a minor bowl someday, so just be patient.

Prediction for the opener: SJSU 22, UW – 17. Sparty will extend the streak over Coach Willingham as thousands leap from the Aurora Bridge.
Trojans move to Bristol
Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III

The USC Trojans loaded up the moving vans in the middle of the night and moved to Bristol, Connecticut, where they will play their games in beautiful Virtual Stadium.

The Trojans wrapped up their third straight National Championship at Virtual Stadium last December as ESPN continued its quest to destroy sports for once and for all.

"We did a lot better in Bristol playing virtual teams than we did playing Texas," noted a rueful Pete Carroll as he checked the police blotter to track the summer workouts of his squad. " And besides, virtual players don't need cushy luxury apartments and their parents don't need homes they can't afford."

Joe Bob Ricky Bobby Joe Don Booty will take the reigns at QB hoping to win the virtual Heisman Trophy. A virtual future All Pro team will play everywhere else as SC reaps the benefits of great recruiting that has commenced since Carroll showed up and USC alums got serious again about recruiting.

The Trojans decided not to fire Pete this June, instead deciding to risk the wrath of the NCAA for the numerous, yet now long forgotten missteps that plagued this program out of control all Spring.

"Firing a coach in June is perhaps the stupidest thing any school could ever do. In fact, I am sure no school in history would be dumb enough to do that," commented new SC spokesperson, Barbara Hedges.

Prediction for the opener: Arkansas 24, USC – 21
Ducks flying high, or Rich, Drunk and 1-0 Part Deux
Mallard N. Moore

After the easier than expected win over Stanford in the opener, Mike Bellotti's troops will face something new and different - a tough non conference schedule. Imagine that?

"It is important to our fans that we bring the very best teams to newly remodeled Autzen Arena, and with the collapse of the Huskies, having them here every year just isn't enough,' commented new AD, Duane "Dog" Chapman, as he scanned the bail bonds looking for his players summer workout schedules at prisons across America.

"Playing Oklahoma allows us a chance for Nike to buy space in Sports Illustrated before we fall off the face of the map with a mediocre record again. Hey, have you seen UW the last couple of years? We look great compared to that."

Look for Jonathan "Hamstring" Stewart to have his hammy stretched and ready by halftime of the Civil War. In the meantime, Dennis Leaf and Brady Dixon will share times and names and lead the Duck's exciting Spread Option attack until they get hurt running the Duck's exciting Spread Option attack. At that point, Bellotti will fire another coordinator to take the heat off of himself for a 6-6 season.

Some things never change.

Prediction for the opener: UO 63, Stanford 9
The Rest of the Pac - Jeff Tedford, who was never interested in the UW job, but who has also long thought that he could actually win something big with Nike money at Oregon, will lead his Bears into un remodeled Bezerkely Stadium as the favorite to unseat the Trojans should USC stumble during their virtual campaign....ASU has a QB controversy just as the games approach....Arizona lost to UW at home last year......Stanford will play golf this fall.........WSU and OSU are rumored to be fielding teams this fall.......not that anyone cares, nor that there is anything wrong with that........Let's face it, it's USC's world and the rest of us are in it for grad rates.

The Nation - Ohio State will look for the kind of toughness displayed by legendary alum Maurice Clarett Jug as he withstood taser shots and baton beatings to fight off Columbus police in a thrilling 80 yard touchdown run on the local interstate....the Buckeyes are a popular choice for the National Championship but face Texas in Austin.....Ohio State is trying to get the game moved to Bristol and play it in Virtual Stadium instead....Notre Dame is back on top after a thrilling moral loss to USC and a blow out loss to Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl...See what talking to the media will do for you?....Keep an eye on Brady Quinn's squat this year as he goes for the Theisman Trophy...The Florida schools are good, the SEC is tops, the ACC is best and the Pac 10 remains invisible thanks to hard working commish Tom Hansen....And in a shout out to my boss and mentor, David Dawgman Samek - thanks for ruining the free boards, Dave. You suck. I would take my tripe to another Husky website if I thought some real people actually read them, and if you didn't pay me so well. Be thankful you are the only real Husky site.

Publisher's note: Race, you are most welcome. Your check is in the mail.

As annoying and crusty as ever - yours in football, Race Bannon

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