Billboards to live by

Hello Dawgfans. Yep, it's Officer Lee Groinman, Seattle's toughest cop. Around this time of year, Groinman here always starts looking for a little edge. It can come from anywhere, but usually comes from out of the blue. Football is here, and Michigan is right in our face.

Well on my way home the other day, while looking for somethin' inspirational. I started scanning billboards at the local churches. I mean, what better way to find inspiration than through the Good Word? The Presbyterians offered up this jewel:

The Sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Did the Presbyterians lose The Messiah after he walked on the water? Well, it was too much of a water theme for the Michigan game anyhow. It woulda' worked last year with our Lake Washington and all, but not Lake Michigan. NEXT….

The Lutherans nearly had me. Their board read:

"The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility."

That nearly sounds like Dawgman's message boards, but then came the clincher:

"Potluck supper at 5PM-prayer and medication to follow."

I get the feeling that this isn't the same Lutheran church that your father knew. . .

I thought I'd go check out the methodical Methodist's. I needed some divine help, help to deliver us mere purple mortals thru yet another "4th quarter," this one in the Big House!

The Methodist's board was simple and to the point, just as you would expect:

"Don't let worry kill you off…Let the Church help!" . . .

OK, maybe billboards weren't the proper place to look for inspiration after all.

I'd nearly had it, but decided to take one final lookie-loo at this little country chapel near my place. Their sign said it all:

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community."

OK so far. Then when you looked closer, written in smaller letters under that was another line:

"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."

Sometimes, I suppose, inspiration must come from within…I bet some smart fella' once wrote somethin' to that notion. Somewhat in a deflated, but in a definite "I'm home-dammit-anyway" type of mood, I entered the mudroom door. The phone is ringin', which is odd considering nobody has my number. The wife Gloria picks up the receiver. "Lee, it's for you, it's your sister."

I hadn't seen my "little" sister since her weddin'. And what another fine mess that was…Laurie had married into the mob, twenty years ago. I didn't know about this mob connection until the day of the weddin'! Ya' see, he lived in Cleveland, and had put up a good front. He'd buffaloed everybody. I curse the day I met him, which went something like:

"So you're the big brother, Lenny is it?"

It's Lee, nice to meet ya' Andropolouis.

"Oh yeah sure Lou, how could I forget Lou! Listen Lou, I can't tell ya' what a pleasure and a bonus it's gonna be to have, well, ya' know, like a cop in the family! We could do some big business, if ya' know what I mean!"

"It's Lee. . ."

"Yeah whatever. Listen Lou, I hear you're a big University of Washington Husker's fan? Me? Well I'm a Big 10 man! Ya' know, Michigan, Ohio State, yeah the Rose Bowl baby! And speaking of a bonus Lou, I got your bonus, I got your Rose Bowl tickets, I got your Huskers, and I got your sister right here pal!"

Maybe Hell hath no fury like a pissed-off big brother! And not a big brother from Nebraska!

It wouldn't have been so bad, but we both already had our Sunday pants on . . . ruined, big-time.

I haven't talked to Andropolouis since.

Twenty years later, my anger-management babe, Dr. Janey, will come out of the blue, and hit me with a question such as, "And how are things with Andropolouis? And have you made amends with your sister Laurie?"

"And what about that wedding cake Lee? Someday Lee, we really must finally get to the bottom of that "cake" issue."

Sometimes late, in the middle of the night, I'll wake from a dream where Dr. Janey is standin' on her desk glarin' down at me screamin', "I GOT YOUR ROSE BOWL! I GOT YOUR SEASON TICKETS RIGHT HERE, PAL!!"

Back to my phone call, how I do digress

"So what's up sis?"

"Listen Lee. I'm leaving Andro. The kids are on the train. He'll never notice their gone, but me? He'd notice within the week!"

"Andro" is dumber than I thought. My sister, well, lets just say that my buddies could never keep their eyes off of her, not to mention their paws.

"So Laurie, how can I help?"

"Lee, I'll meet you at Michigan, I know you are going to the game. I've purchased enough tickets to that ‘Washington Cover-Up' for all of your friends and myself. It's on a golf course Lee!"

I tell her, "It's the Washington Warm-Up Laurie! And it's 45 bucks a head! So how is Andro these days?"

"Funny you should ask Lee, Let's just say that he hasn't been eating any more wedding cake since the last time you saw him! I think he still has frosting stuck in his ears. Paybacks are always HELL!

So what's a big brother to do? I thought that 45-dollar warm-up was a bit pricey! But hey! Thanks to sis, I got my inspiration!

But now let me tell ya' this . . . On the way to the airport, for that trip to Detroit and the game, perhaps this time lookin' for guidance, I passed by that little country chapel, the one near my home. The billboard read:

"This Sunday, the sermons topic will be "'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

How can you pass that up?


Groinman's tip of the week: ET looms large. And a man named Ware. Jerramy Who? Take the points and the win. It's going to be all DAWGS! Top Stories