Consumed by Jell-O

This is Officer Lee Groinman, that's right…Seattle's Most Compromised cop . . . I'm compromised as to the fact that night games come but once a year to Husky Stadium. Holey Crapes! What's a self-respectin' off-duty peace officer to do?

I resembled this problem back in Detroit, Michigan. Where the problem was solved by, acting as Romans. While surrounded by Romans. When in Rome, do as the Romans will do.

When in Seattle, it stands to reason . . .

Take heed to the words of Senator Strom Thurman! Now no, we didn't tailgate with the Senator from South Carolina, but his words rang true.

I remember back in the late 80's, maybe it was the early 90's when the Senator from South Carolina, who just happened to be born in 1902, got up before the Senate and declared to anyone and everyone in particular, that there was just entirely too much . . . "Consumin' goin' on out ‘dere!!"

It's no wonder the 100 year-old Senator seems to have never lost an election. Who could not vote for Foghorn-Leghorn?

Against Wyoming, last Saturday night, the esteemed Senator Strom should have seen the Husky parkin' lot known as E-1!

Mardi gras in September - Seattle style - Lord have mercy! Illegal consumption was in epic-Strom-Style proportions.

"Too much consumin' goin' on out "dere!!"

We had this one fellow standin' up in the back of his '63 Ford pick-up tossin' out these Skipper's tartar sauce plastic tubs full of purple and gold Jell-O! His lady-friend is tossin' out purple and gold beads!

I fear nakidity is about to reign supreme when Desk Sarge Deano burps out, "Try the purple one first Lee. The gold one acts as a fine chaser, stupendous, just absolutely marvelous."

It would appear that these Skipper's tartar sauce tubs contain' jell-o were actually laced with something flammable, yet potable. Barely.

It seems that lately, extreme measures are being taken to "enhance" the "Husky Experience!" As a cop, I don't know if I should be perturbed or genuinely impressed. I'll feed some of those jell-o's to my horse, Ol' Paint, and we'll see if it puts a little giddy-up into his gait.

But let me tell ya' this. These "tartar-sauce tub" measures aren't just illegal, they're darn right sneaky. Why, do you realize that a man with a noggin' the size of Desk Sarge Deano, could illegally smuggle in as many as a dozen of these tubs of that gut rot into a Husky game? That's right, right under his purple beanie-cap!!

Action must be taken!

Beanies will be searched!!

A special tariff on JELL-O!

Nice crowd there on Saturday, Holey Crapes, we got to the parkin' lot at around 2 pm. What a day . . . got home at 3:05 am.

Mrs. Groinman was not amused . . .

I compromised to the wife Gloria. "This will be the last night game I'd ever attend - this year - so help me Dawg."

Some times a guy has gotta' do what he's gotta' do.

As far as I remember, this was the first Band game at night. I think that added to the total "Husky Experience." Coming out of the Stadium there after the game Saturday, under a perfect Northwest warm sky, I found myself behind these band delinquents, a couple of guys on tuba's playin' "Feelings" and another dude rattlin' along with his snare drum, tryin' to mess up the tempo (why is it always the drummer?)

So we got serenaded right out to our parkin' lot where we had to cross the Sea-of-Monsters known as lot E-1M. M for motor home . . .

Ol' Strom woulda' been livid! One ol' boy was standin' on top of his Winnebago, dressed in purple shorts, no shirt, playin' "Dixie" on his clarinet, his wife is keepin' time next to the flames on the Smokey Joe grill with tongs!

So now we're lookin' right down the barrel of the University of Idaho Vandals. I don't suppose I ever told ya' of the stories of the over-nights ol' Groinman here spent in Idaho, one bail at a time.

The winter of '77, the spring of '78, the fall of '79, and not to forget the summer of '80. As the most sophisticated, down to earth, and as a straight-shootin' honest guy, I can honestly say, and I'll tell ya' straight up:

I don't care much for IDAHO!!

The way I see it, come Saturday, the Husky crowd gets all lathered up, we forget where we put the jell-o. Cody goes for another 400 yards passin', Rich tacks on another 125 rushin' with 2 TD's . . . we take care of the freakin' ball! And afterwards it's like Mardi gras in E-1!

Minus the beads . . . GO DAWGS!!!

Groinman's tip of the week: Ya' know if we take care of the damn football, we should put up 60 on these boys, not that I'd take any pleasure in rubbin' it in, or anything like that, and besides, well 60 points…

That just might be too much consumin' goin' on out ‘dere . . . Top Stories