DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

In this issue: Huskies only two long runs away from beating ASU - Ducks come to town fresh off win over JC team - Beavers beat Cal just as DFI warned - Trojans hang on to beat Arizona - Kenny Wheaton beats LSU


Desert doom leaves Huskies looking for answers
Race Bannon

The Washington Huskies have lost to two #1 ranked teams this year, Ohio State and USC, and may have lost to a third one Saturday night if every other team in America loses. The disrespected Sun Devils of ASU moved to 7-0 with a squeeker of a win over the obviously improved Washington Huskies.
The Huskies lost a chance to lose to another top ranked team when Cal lost to Oregon State after freshman quarterback Dudly Doright thought he was playing Canadian football where the clock stops after each play in the final minute. That's right, dear reader, Race Bannon knows the CFL rules just like he knows football and like he knows the back of his shaking drug addicted hands.

Oregon would like to think that they are the 4th number one team we could face but everyone knows that they are gearing up for the big fade and will resume their position of irrelevance soon enough. The question is whether they will assume that position with a third straight win over Ty Willingham and his obviously improved Huskies.

Alert readers may recall that we warned Cal to beware of the eager Beavers in our last issue as this story lurches around making no sense whatsoever as we desperately avoid talking about our last loss or the next loss that looms on the schedule.

The affable Jeff Tedford spotted the Beavs a freshman quarterback making his first start in an effort to keep the score close. The Beavers still managed to all but choke up a 10 point lead in the final two minutes before being outdone by a large margin in the choking department by the aforementioned Canadian QB.

"I take the blame for that idiot kid costing me a shot at the national title,' explained Tedford calmly as he threw his Denny's menu that he calls plays off of down on the ground after the game.

Run on sentences are featured this week at no extra charge.

In the end Oregon's Team did what Oregon's other team could not, beat the bad news Bears and throw the mantle of Pac 10 Big shot to Dennis Erickson and his Sun Devils.

Cal and ASU both have the week off then play each other on the 27th at Tempe.

The obviously improved Huskies now return home for a rare visit from the Oregon Ducks. It has been so long that Keith Lewis' jock has decomposed on the spot where Shelton Sampson made him drop it as the speedy Sampson ran wild in a 42-10 win for UW under Keith Gilbertson. That's right, Gilby could beat UO. Even the always-maligned Rick Neuheisel was 3-1 against UO. Well Coach Willingham, now it's your turn.

A much needed by win by your obviously improved team might send some of those wolves that have taken up residence outside your door away. If you let those sledge hammer wielding W dancing non gas pumping plasma screen watching Nike funded dumb ass ninja uniform wearing Californians from Eugene wield their sledge hammer and dance on our W, those wolves may be waiting in your living room for you.

DFI says Coach Willingham comes through for us like he did in 2001 and ruins the Duck's dreams of glory with a shocking win.

Prediction: UW 42, UO – 14
High Flying Ducks now fat drunk and 5-1
Mallard N. Moore

Payback was a female dog for the WSU Cougs and their record setting quarterback, Alex Brink. Duck fans remembered the last time they beat Michigan and welcomed WSU to town. A 50-point beat down by the Cougs ensued. Much mockery of the other illustrated magazine's disastrous cover choice followed.

The record setting Alex Brink played his high school ball in Eugene, but was not offered a scholarship to UO because Bellotti was interested in scatter armed baseball players. Brink has a boatload of records but not so many wins as the classy Bill Doba continues to do it the right way at WSU and his team is obviously improved. The kids never quit even though they trailed 40-0 with 5 minutes left in the 1st quarter.

Next up for the unbeaten Ducks, who now claim a retroactive win over Cal since OSU beat the Bears, is a rare trip to Husky Stadium. Oregon hasn't won there since 1997.

"Are you sure they are bad enough for us to win up there," demanded an irate Phi Knight, still steaming at how the fired Bill Moos allowed this game to get on the schedule as he talked to the new AD, Kilkenny. "I don't need anymore screw ups from you, Kilks, and let's make damn sure our replay team is on board."

"I have a lot of respect for Coach Willingham and his obviously improved Huskies," lied Mike Bellotti as he thought of all the money he had lost to Willingham on the golf course this summer.

"I expect a tough first half, er game from the Huskies and we'll have to bring our A game to get a win up there." Bellotti concluded as he consulted Mapquest to see where exactly up there was.

Mr. Moore is predicting an Oregon win, but he did not do it in time to get it in this issue. Nobody really cares what he thinks anyway.
The Rest: - Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III reports from LA that the Trojans took DFI's advice and featured the Louisiana Lightning Joe McKnight doing his Reggie Bush impersonation and ran over the poorly coached Arizona Wildcats. McKnight is well on his way to that $280,000.00 salary cap slot that Bush vacated. Mike "Wrong" Stoops is brushing up on the proper use of time outs at the end of the game as he prepares to leave his talented Wildcat squad to someone who can coach them.

Kenny Wheaton scored in overtime then stopped LSU on 4th down as Rich Brook's fighting Wildcats shocked the Bayou Bengals and knocked them from the #1 spot. All Les Miles had to do was beat the next to worse football team in SEC history. Impatient fans may note that if you give Brooks 17 years he can get a Rose Bowl at Oregon and if you give him 6 or 7 years he can get some wins at Kentucky. So there. By the way, our crack staff informs me that Mike Bellotti has never got to a Rose Bowl or beat a #1 team.

South Florida is #2 in all the land, and they deserve it…you can see them play Rutgers Thursday night on the Satan Sports Network…USC heads to Notre Dame for another tasty pastry…Irish coach Charles Weis led the Patriots to a big win over Dallas even as his ND squad was losing to Boston College…Mizzou got worked at Norman…same as it ever was…Nebraska got blown out at home by Okie State and then fired their AD…Blog that…Boise beat Nevada on a late lay up, 69-67…Colorado got smoked by Kansas State…don't look now, but Kansas leads the Big XII North…yes they do, Dorothy…Another big slate of games this week topped buy the night game at UW as the obviously improved Huskies take the big shot gun to the fat mallards… See you there.

Thanks for Reading – Race

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