Duckfighter Returns

IN THIS ISSUE: "I'm back" – Michael Jordan . . . "We're back" – Washington Huskies . . . "We're not" – Stanford Cardinal . . . Ducks ready for national title . . . Bellotti has his letter jacket cleaned

I lied
Race Bannon

I failed at my attempt to live my life long dream and become a winter league baseball player so I have returned to DFI to continue my life of quiet desperation, also known as, following the Huskies in 2007.

I know that many of you were filled with hope at my announcement that I was suspending publication of this worthless rag. Perhaps you should brush up on your English and look up what ‘suspend' means.

It means I left the door wide open for a comeback, much to your chagrin.

I have decided that Director Turner may have a point when he says that we should be like Oregon. As alert reader HillsboroDawg pointed out, Mr. Turner has suggested that we emulate USC, Ohio State and Oregon, three programs under the microscope for cheating their way to success, or minor success in the case of Oregon. Apparently Coach Willingham hasn't got the message yet, as I have seen no forged LOIs or 280 thousand-dollar tailbacks on campus.

And there has been a distinct lack of a need to fight for ones seat at Husky Stadium, thus depressing the ticket for rent market. But we must fight on and endeavor to persevere as we strive to rebuild the worst program in the history of college sports.

A small step was taken Saturday last as the Huskies clawed their way back into a 9th place tie with WSU in the Pac 10. Jake Locker and Louis Rankin ran all over the hapless house of Cards and the Huskies defense was stout and held SU to 9 points. That's no joke, as the oft maligned Kent Baer proved he didn't get stupid overnight by coming up with a career saving game at just the right time.

The players had a player's only meeting leading this writer to once again ponder how many bullets $1.5 million could buy for our gun.

Next up are the Beavers of Oregon State and another test on the road to a bowl for our Huskies. Let's hope another players meeting can come up with the game plan to snap an embarrassing three game skid to the up and down Beavs. OSU is beaten up and missing several key players, giving us the edge we were looking for.

Rich, cool and 8-1
Mallard N. Moore

"How dare you inshult my hushband, you piece of [expletive deleted]," commented a calm and unnamed fan as she took another swig from her 40 and then smashed it over the head of the nasty Oregonian beat writer.

"How could anyone hurt thish fine man or stab him in the back after all he hash done, *hic*. He deserves loyalty from thosh around him, like I have alwaysh given him. *Hiccup*".

Just another day in the life of the Wacky Ducks of Oregon who go into a much needed bye week as the top team in the Pac 10 and #3 in the nation, looking to move up.

Oregon knocked off Dennis Erickson's ASU Sun Devils at crumbling Autzen Arena. Erickson couldn't drink Mrs. Bellotti under the table and he couldn't scheme Mr. Bellotti out of a win.

Bellotti already has his halftime speech prepared for the BCS Championship game when UO gets shafted again. It's always better to not go and claim you'd win than to go and get worked like a rented mule.

In what must be a horrible down year for the Pac 10, Oregon stands atop the standings. A giddy Todd Turner was told not to brag to UW fans about how his second favorite team is doing.

Next up are the suddenly hot Wildcats of Arizona. In two weeks. Which means it is party time in Eugene right now. *hiccup*.
The Rest: The struggling Cal Bears found just the tonic for what ails them…a visit from WSU…Next up is the Anticlimactic Bowl against USC…playing for the Sun Bowl just isn't the same… some crack head is accusing Reggie Bush of accepting improper benefits…in college football? Sure, let's get real please….LSU scraped out a win over Nick Satan, er Saban and the Bama Crimson Tide…Anyone else find it ironic that the coach of a team that has red water for a mascot is named after the Prince of Darkness? Digression…Mizzou ran it up on ColoradoNavy beat Notre Dame for the first time since Roger Stabauch was a plebe…were those U-Haul trucks on Charlie's front lawn?…USC whipped Oregon State keeping slim Holiday Bowl hopes alive…I just like writing that…Boston College became the latest #2 to fall, losing to the former Florida State squad…being AP #2 is as dangerous as being Al Queda #3…Texas spotted Oklahoma State a big lead, then won…Michigan spotted Michigan State a late lead, then won…That's why Michigan and Texas are Michigan and Texas and Aggie schools are Aggie schools…New England beat Indy even without Charles Weis.

Thanks for reading! – Race Top Stories