<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Fighting Cougs Knock out ASU</li> <li>Ducks Upset Cardinal</li> <li>Huskies are cursed!</li> <li>Beavers anxious for rare Seattle win</li></ul>

The Season from Hell
Race Bannon

There is no longer enough perfume in the world to mask the stench of defeat that hovers about our beloved program like flies about road kill. Extensive and exhaustive analysis has been performed, and every area of the program has been investigated. The consensus after these many weeks is that there has been a total system failure. The best minds in the world are baffled by this development.

We have the answer at Duckfighter Illustrated. That is why you turn to us first for news. We have been under the spell of the dreaded Great Pumpkin. That's right – we are cursed. How did this happen? Think back to just about one year ago when the Huskies were bushwhacked at Parker – Reser – [we need another sponsor] Stadium. By Oregon State.

Since that time the once vaunted Huskies have given up 65 points to Miami, blew a nice second half lead in the Holiday Bowl, had 12 men on the field at Michigan, and are now 1-4 in the Pac 10. 5 wins and 7 losses – including the Beaver bashing at Dee Andros Field.

Coaches who once actually out game planned opponents, and got the most out of their players, now flounder in confusion, knowing only that whatever decision they make will be futile. Yes, it is true, even though you do not want to admit it now, these people on the Husky coaching staff once knew which buttons to press. Now the machine keeps tilting.

Players who were making play after play suddenly became timid and lost, now making mistake after mistake. A regression has taken place, a foul mood is our constant backdrop, and gloom is all that can be seen for years to come.

There is only one way to smite this foul spirit and restore our Pride and Power. We must smite the Beaver and destroy the spirit of Dee Andros that was let loose last fall. We never lose to the Beavers and we never lose by four touchdowns. This has all been a dream. Pam is getting out of the shower and Bobby is alive. The Huskies are good. We fear no one. Our coaches are smarter. Our players are braver. Our fans are better looking. We shall rise again!

UCLA was a very well prepared ball club and deserved the victory they came away with Saturday night. Paul Arnold - among others led a valiant Husky effort to pull victory out of the ashes of defeat, but to no avail. The senior leadership was noted, and will be required from here on out. A tip of the cap to freshman Drew Olsen who filled the shoes of Tommy Maddox in his Husky Stadium debut. And an "atta boy" to an improving Husky defense.

Cards Get Cold Shower at Autzen
Mallard N. Moore

The only suspense at newly remodeled Autzen Arena Saturday was whether the Stanford players would have hot water for their showers and whether an onside kick with a 28 point lead is that much different from a fake punt with a 23 point lead.

Duck fans opinion was split. They hold to their decades old hatred of Rick Neuheisel for his fake punt, but defend to the death the antics of Mike Bellotti. Such is life on the wrestling circuit. Card fans now have the scales lifted from their eyes.

The Ducks did come away with a rare win over Stanford. Buddy Ball continues to flounder. Only 14 points against the Duck's defense? Schoolyard legend Jason Fife sliced and diced the SAT boys to shreds. Freshman sensation Terrance Whitehead is now an official billboard candidate after his 100 yard rushing performance. His likeness will be plastered up and down the I-5 corridor between Lebanon and Ashland.

The Ducks are back among the conference elite and the Huskies still suck so life is good in the valley. Very good indeed. Next up is a breather against Washington State.

Cougars make their case
Race Bannon

I'm taking this opportunity to write the game cap today because Rob Bobertson is going to need some more time to recover from alcohol poisoning. That is an example of the kind of coverage we have given the Cougars this season. We either ignore them all together or throw out gratuitous insults.

We aren't apologizing for that. Most years that would be quite appropriate. However, our country cousins have finally convinced your faithful scribe that they are for real. Therefore, Duckfighter Illustrated salutes the Fighting Cougars of Washington State.

In a huge and impressive win over Arizona State, the Cougs gave themselves the cushion they so desperately needed. They can now lose the Apple Cup and still go to the Rose Bowl. An easy win over Oregon and a tough win over a fast improving Bruin squad will do it.

Will the Cougars continue to earn their "fighting" moniker? Ask Jason David.

Northwest Tourney Begins
Race Bannon

The battle for the last championship the Huskies can win begins this Saturday with a double header in Pullman and Seattle. The Northwest Cup is on the line as passions rise and neighbor fights neighbor. A desperate magazine hypes whatever it can. Be there!

Washington will defend the honor of its seniors and end the curse of Dee Andros at Husky Stadium on Saturday. Exorcists, shamans, witch doctors or any other qualified personnel are asked to attend. The aroused Husky players will penetrate the Beaver defense with smooth talk and maybe a dinner and a movie. This week the turn around begins. We mean it this time. No really we do.

Washington 49, OSU 24

Washington State will continue their inexorable march to Pasadena and an Apple Cup loss with a big win over Oregon. The Cougar defense is much improved from the unit that was run over by Ohio State. The big 0 is hurting. The Coug pass rush will harass Fife. Gesser will light up the toast in the Duck secondary. This one could be ugly early. But it will look good late after three touchdowns against Coug reserves.

WSU 45, UO 35

And Finally . . . . Poof go the Irish.......Poof go the Hokies......FireRonZookDotcom made Georgia go poof.......Miami, Oklahoma, and Ohio State against the field......Texas beat Nebraska....OU beat Colorado.....still some soft Neuheisel players there I reality series – Hostage Rescue: Freeing the Husky Coach......Just kidding Rick, you know we love you, but all Husky fans will love you more when we win.....hang in there folks, try writing bitter columns making fun of other teams - works for me!

Thanks for reading! – Race Bannon
Race can be reached at Top Stories