DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Apple Cup losers look to save season<br> <li>Win one for Bob! Bruins await Cougs<br> <li>Trojans eye Pasadena after demolition of Irish<Br> <li>Notre Dame Offense is offensive<Br> <li>Canes one win away</ul>


Price and Cougs whining their way to LA
Race Bannon

Despite assurances from the Pac 10 office and helpful Husky fans, the Washington State Cougars insist on living in the past instead of planning for the future. Mike Price has appeared on more talk shows than a washed up sitcom actor, as he continues to live in denial of yet another Apple Cup loss. Only Steve Physioc agrees with Price on the Kai Ellis bat down of a backward pass that sealed the Cougs fate. The Pac-10 office has ruled, fans have watched the conclusive replays (is there such a thing) ad nauseum, and it's over. Dawgs win no matter how you slice it.

Waiting for the Cougs are the battered and embattled UCLA Bruins, fresh off a blow out loss to their dreaded rival in LA. Bob Toledo is in his annual battle to keep his job as the mysterious Bruins continue to look spotty against everyone but the Washington Huskies. Will the Cougs face the good Bob Toledo who is the only Pac 10 coach with a winning record against Rick Neuheisel? Or will they get the Deadhead Bruins led by the tuned in and dropped out Toledo who can't even beat Mike Bellotti?

One thing is certain; crying about the Apple Cup will not get the team ready to play for the Roses. The clutch Cougs need to pull up their storied history of sealing the deal to win this huge game and return to Pasadena 62 years ahead of schedule.

Price must convince his players that they can win with Matt Kegel after spending two weeks telling everyone that WSU could not win the Apple Cup without Jason Gesser. It's a devil's bargain for the wily Price. If the Cougs win, he loses his excuse for the Apple Cup. If the Cougs lose, Price spends the holidays in San Diego at the Holiday Bowl. That's not too shabby and certainly beats the Hell out of spending the holidays on Poop Island.

Our call: UCLA – 17, WSU – 16
Ducks look to reload, await prestigious Seattle Bowl
Mallard N. Moore

Coming off a disappointing 7-5 season that included big wins over Portland State and Idaho gives the Ducks hope that 2002 was an aberration. The premiere team in the Pac 10 waits for an ACC opponent to play in the Seattle Bowl, held in Seattle. Head man Mike Bellotti is hoping to draw Duke, who was winless this season.

"Duke fits our mold of a non conference opponent," Bellotti explained between straight shots of tequila. "I can't think of a better way to get back on top of the Pac 10."

Bill Moos has been busy putting the final touches on the cover up of the burgeoning rent scandal in Eugene. The Ducks feel that all the T's have been crossed, the I's dotted, and all witnesses eliminated. The full report, minus sensitive information that has been redacted, is on its way to the NCAA. Moos has already said that no penalty should be forthcoming, because the Ducks refused to penalize themselves, and the NCAA should honor the penalty that the Ducks didn't choose.

A couple of maintenance workers were blackballed from buying luxury suites as Oregon sent a strong message that getting caught giving money to players will not be allowed in Eugene.

Now Moos turns his attention to the 2003 football schedule, where he will work to eliminate those annoying Pac 10 games that botch up Bellotti's best record for games played on alternate Thursdays with the temperature between 65 and 68 degrees. And how in the hell did a trip to Seattle get on the schedule?
Trojans dismantle, humiliate, and destroy Irish
Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III

Due to the interest in Notre Dame football by many Dawgman members, we run this special report. SLBOB, you are welcome.

How can you play a rival game and end up with three first downs and 100 yards of total offense while giving up a school record 600 yards? Well if you are Notre Dame, you say it is just a tune up for your BCS bowl and move on.

Showing no outward sign of embarrassment for the embarrassing performance of his team, Ty Willingham used the post game platform to lobby for a BCS berth for his over- rated squad. Not since Bob Davies led a similar Irish team to the 2000 Fiesta Bowl has such an unworthy team been considered for a BCS game. That team was bashed by the Beavers, but looked positively great compared to the 44-13 losers Saturday night.

I guess it was those bad breaks and official's calls that once again snuck up and bit Ty, because Ty has been anointed as God's gift to college coaching, even if he cannot beat Rick Neuheisel.

The Trojans now wait for WSU to "coog it" so they can play in the Rose Bowl for the 67th time in school history, although it has been awhile.

I'll be switching the focus of my 12 year investigation of the Husky summer jobs program to a look into the rampant recruiting abuses of the Ducks billboard campaigns.
BCS Madness
Race Bannon, cancer expert

Did you know that if Miami loses to Syracuse the Buckeyes and Iowa will decide the Big 10 title in the Fiesta Bowl?

That would leave the Rose searching for an opponent for USC or if a miracle occurs, WSU. Maybe Notre Dame would like a rematch? On the other hand, how about Miami back in the Rose to play the Pac 10 champion?

If Miami wins, they play Ohio State and Iowa gets the Roses. The rest of the slots will be filled by eastern teams that we like to ignore out here behind the mountain.

Oregon will once again be robbed of their rightful place in the title game. Get that letter jacket out Bellotti; I see another halftime appearance in your future. USC is also likely to get robbed if they don't get the Rose, because Notre Dame has met the BCS Irish clause that states that Notre Dame must have a pulse to get a BCS game. That third first down Saturday night clinched it for the Irish.

The Huskies are relieved to see ASU wrap up the Sun Bowl bid with a win over cross state rival Arizona. John Macovic told the Wildcats that they were a disgrace to every human being who had walked the planet, then headed out to West Texas to help Bear Bryant train the Junction Boys.

Washington will learn the name of their next victim next weekend.
Basketball Season heats up

The Husky cagers have matches with Gonzaga and Wyoming this week. We hope to have a reporter at the home game against the Cowboys as we hope to cover the exciting first season of savior Lorenzo Romar. The cute little Zags are first on the list for payback.

And Finally... Make sure you take your bottles to LA, Coug fans......Bruin officials will not be handing them out at the gate..........how are those wilted Roses holding up?.........Oklahoma State shocked Oklahoma for the second year in a row.....Sooners and Buffs for the Big XII.....Dawgs and Hogs for the SEC.......Arkansas made a miracle comeback to knock LSU out of the title game......42-14........29-26........look for our year in review special issue spectacular coming soon.....Montreal won the Grey Cup.......football is winding down, the saddest time of the year......only 36 weeks to UW – OSU at the Big Horseshoe...Be there there there there there

Thanks for reading! – Race
Race Bannon can be reached at duckfighter@dawgman.com

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