On Saturday, Michael Conforto was demoted to the minors. Ouch. Not only did he fall far from preseason expectations, but he seemed to be breaking out in April. Coming out of April, he had 4 HRs and a .365 average. In May and June, he hit .169 and .119 and, finally, the Mets threw in the towel just as Conforto’s head was bouncing on the canvas. Shame, isn’t it? Not a shame, a product of not being able to hit. I’m sure he’ll be back at some point, but you can drop him in all but the deepest dynasty leagues. In his place came, Brandon Nimmo. Okay, let’s get them out of the way up front. The Mets are finding Nimmo in a sea of prospects. The Mets aren’t finding Drury because he’s on a different team. Is Nimmo the Mets’ outfield fixer? That’s a clown fish question, bro. Nimmo’s minor league numbers look dynamite, but that’s because he was playing in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat. He had five homers, five steals, and a .331 average. That seems to be his profile more or let’s be generous, maybe 10/15/.280. Sounds downright Lagaresque. Outside of deep mixed leagues and NL-Only, I’d ignore for now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – Mets made the move official. They plan on trying him at 3rd base, so they’re going from Mr. Wright to Mr. Right Through A Glass Door. My Jose Reyes fantasy can be found under that link-ma-whosie.
Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Am I a bad person because I see deGrom’s pitching line, and I’m wondering why there aren’t more Ks? No, I’m a bad person for laughing at homeless people.
Zack Wheeler – Will resume throwing today. He’s already had one setback — nerve irritation in his elbow. One more setback and he may as well flatten the bill of his ballcap with an iron, ring up Kris Medlen and find out what time the other flat-billed pitchypusses are going south.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Colon’s ERA is only about two runs better than Chris Archer. Nice, well done, terrific. I’m moving on because this is going on my 1,000th word on the Mets, and Archer comparisons infuriate me.
Julio Teheran – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.46. Yes, Teheran’s ERA is better than deGrom.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.22. I saw some people talking about how Bud Norris could be available at the trading deadline. If I called up the Braves’ front office and offered my dog’s services — and Ted can play a mean game of fetch — the Braves would take him for anyone except Freeman.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3 and his 13th homer and his 28th RBI. Anyone want the over on 60 RBIs on the year? C’mon, I’ll give you odds. Odds are you’re gonna lose.
Adonis Garcia – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. That’s his third homer in the past ten games, and 2nd homer in the past four games. Hasn’t done much else, but Adonis has been flexing power.
Trevor Rosenthal – Gig’s up, Rosenthal. The Reaper’s here and you’re getting sickled. Ominous murmurings in your ear! So, Matheny said Rosenthal is no longer the closer, which is what I’ve been saying for about two weeks. I mean, guys and five girl readers, he’s been bad and not bad as in good. Everyone’s saying it’s gonna be Seung Hwan Oh, and it might be, especially after American Idol host, Siegrist, came into the 6th yesterday and gave up a homer. Matheny said it could even be Broxton (1 IP, 0 ER in the 8th), which caused me to pick him up in multiple leagues because it could just come down to whoever Matheny feels like using on any given day. Obviously, Oh has the lead since he was saved for the, uh, save yesterday, though was foreclosed on.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .300. Cardinals hit six homers yesterday, including two by Thomas Pham (2-for-5, 1st and 2nd homers), Jedd Gyorko (1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer) and Matt Holliday (3-for-6, 2 runs 2 RBIs and his 14th homer). Also, in this game, Nelson Cruz (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 19th, and Franklin Gutierrez (2-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 9th homer. Which brings me to my point, Safeco’s claim at a pitcher’s park might be as safe as collecting on any Safeco claim. Down with big business!
James Paxton – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.15. Beginning to think him and Eovaldi share a branch on the throws-really-fast-but-is-ineffective tree.
Stephen Strasburg – Hit the DL after two ribs popped out of place. Gotta leave them at Tony Roma’s, that’s the place for ribs. Even though he hit the DL, he’s eligible to return this week, due to backdating, and creative accounting, but Strasburg doesn’t know if he’ll be back that soon. If he returns in two weeks but fully healthy, I’d be cool with that. The last thing I want is him to return quickly and pitch about as well as our Jose Canseco interview went. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s podcast. It’s classic.
Gio Gonzalez – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.73. Member the narrative in April about Mike Maddux figuring out Gio’s problems from last year and fixing them? Well, I hope Maddux didn’t use permanent marker on his resume when he wrote, “Fixed Gio Gonzalez.”
Jonathan Papelbon – Threw a bullpen session and felt good. Aiming to return early-July. That’s not Me and You and Everyone We Know. That’s early-Miranda July.
Shawn Kelley – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the save. Not much to say here, but I just wanted to vent real quick. Dusty, the Nationals’ front office, everyone related to the team says Kelley needs to be babied. Due to arm concerns, can’t be overused. Since Papelbon went down, Kelley has been used five times, and three times it was for more than an inning. In the entire year, Papelbon, who has no arm concerns, has only been used for more than one inning once, an extra inning game. You say Kelley is your closer, you say you can’t use him too much, so why do you throw him for four (stutterer!) outs yesterday?! Should be Daffy Baker. Fargin’ iceholes.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96. I was worried about Roark in Miller Park yesterday, but, luckily, my team’s ratios are so bizzonkers, I can throw caution to the wind. That’s the first positive all year to owning Chris Archer.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 IP, 0 ER, Zero Hits, Five Walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.60. That’s a Ralphie start. BBs led to an early exit, but he avoided a major disaster.
Marcell Ozuna – Out two straight days due to a sore wrist. He better not have hurt it playing Guitar Hero with Joel Zumaya.
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.28. How long until the Yankees or Red Sox pay him $400 million? Does he have a few years still until he could buy the island nation of Tonga?
Christian Vazquez – Could be sent back down when Ryan Hanigan returns this week. Would you believe I saw not one, but five feature-length articles about Vazquez at Boston websites? Maybe Ben Affleck can get drunk and scream about it with Bill Simmons.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.44. I have no idea how he’s doing it, but since his K/9 is 4.4, I have no interest in finding out either.
Prince Fielder – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in last three games. His recent resurgence disproves the theory that he was Prince Be from PM Dawn.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 7 ER. Obviously, he needs five weeks between starts for him to look good. See you the first week of August!
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, Mark Reynolds (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th and Charlie Blackmon (2-for-4) hit his 12th homer. Which brings me to my point, why don’t I draft only Rockies hitters?
Trevor Story – 2-for-2, 4 runs and his 19th homer, but hit in the hand by a pitch and headed for x-rays to look for broken bones. But that’s not how the Trevorending Story ends, is it?
Marcus Semien – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. He has four hits vs. yesterday’s starter, Hector Santiago, and all four are homers. All of Semien’s homers vs. Hector lined up together would equal a hectare and hectare is a measurement of land, while Semien sounds almost like a measurement of men. You can’t make up that kind of synergy.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.03. Before we declare him back, it would be nice to see two decent starts in a row. I’m not asking him to climb Everest, shouldn’t be hard for Grayscale.
Dillon Overton – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.76. He’s a lefty A’s pitcher for those of you struggling to guess if he was a made-up name or if Dillon Overton was the full city name from Friday Night Lights. “I was living in a devil town. I didn’t know it was a devil town. Oh, Lord, it brings me down about the devil town. Named Dillon Overton.” Overton once threw 95 MPH, but now hits 88 MPH after Tommy John surgery. Long term, maybe the velocity will return. Short term, meh.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 1.79. What a bum!
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. In his ‘breakout’ year last year, he only hit 16 homers. He’s gonna blow that away.
Kevin Gausman – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Stream-o-Nator liked this start, I liked this start, and yet, I couldn’t pull the trigger. Why even bother having the 2nd amendment then?!
Chris Tillman – 5 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies go in the other room to watch HGTV while you watch GoT, they can’t believe how fat so-and-so got from high school, and they will crush your pitcher’s ratios.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, a grand slam. This was his 2nd game in a row with a homer. Doesn’t feel like Davis is perceived to be doing as well as he could be, so there might be a small buy low here.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .279. Well, his average did drop seventy points since I told you to sell him. *attempts to hang hat on that, the wall falls down* Hmm.
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .292. Just scan the comments over the last five or so posts of mine. It goes something like this, “Schoop or (Mad Libs in random schmohawk MI name)” I reply, “Schoop.”
Adam Jones – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .265. At the All-Star Game, they should have a contest the day before, where they take all of the more bizarre leadoff hitters this year — Jones, Carlos Santana, Bautista — and have them race from home plate to first base.
Oswaldo Arcia – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer as he was traded this weekend from the Twins to the Rays. The Rays are collecting post-hype prospects — Brad Miller (3-for-5, 1 run), Desmond Jennings (1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer) and Tim Beckham (1-for-4). They should trade for Brett Lawrie. Then they can all get together and talk about their past Razzball sleeper posts.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.32. You gotta ask yourself, are the tears worth the Smyly? I sound like Bonnie Hunt helping a female lead come to a decision about a man.
A.J. Reed – 0-for-3. The Friday before last I said Reed would be up within a week. He was called up eight days from that post. I am a soothsayer. A sayer of soothes. A soothing sayer of truths. I’d say bow down, but some of you probably can’t get back up.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 9th and 10th homer. A few podcasts ago, I was asked who’s a buy low bat; I answered Kendrys. In June, he’s hitting near-.320 with 4 homers, after hitting .163 in May. Yup.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting over-.350 in the last week with three homers in the past four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.96 vs. Doug Fister 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.36. In the ever after, Marilyn Monroe threw out the first pitch for the Kennedy/Fister matchup.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. His home run was recorded as leaving the stadium at 87.1 MPH. Similar batted balls have a .063 batting average. Dave Winfield said, “You couldn’t even kill a dove with that home run ball.”
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. His game is more speed, but he’s impersonating a strong bean, and you’ll take it, cause ya’ll greedy!
J.B. Shuck – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Could be a hot bat. Grab him? Shuck it, why not?
Anthony DeSclafani – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.52. It’s gonna feel like Christmas came six months early because J.B. will be along in a few hours with multiple GIFs breaking down DeSclafani in his pitching profile.
Carlos Carrasco – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Okay, now I’m gonna be totally stumped about who to suggest when someone wants to buy low on a pitcher.
Josh Tomlin – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. It’s not getting talked about much (by me at least), but Tomlin’s walk rate is in-freakin-you-gotta-be-kidding-sane. In 89 1/3 IP, he’s allowed eight free passes. There’s only one way to make a 5.6 K/9 work, and Tomlin’s showing how.
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .322. Rajai, the King of SAGNOF, and I have had a good six weeks of romance, but sitting vs. righties for Naquin isn’t going to cut the thick slab bacon, isn’t gonna parallel park the car and won’t change the channel when LMFAO comes on. And, now, I am considering Naquin.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .235. Napoli must’ve stayed at a Renaissance this offseason because he looks like a million bucks. Granted, the Indians are paying $7 million.
Jason Kipnis – Out yesterday with general soreness. It sounds like it should be a rank above, but it’s actually below Major Pain.
Juan Uribe – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. That’s five homers this week. It’ll all end soon — not said like I’m a Mayan — but Uribe is still hot.
Justin Verlander – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.30. Grrlander.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (13, 14). V-Mart’s feasting on pitchers’ brain custard for almost three months now. Dot dot dot. Which is about the duration of a Zombino streak. Sell!
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.42. The Regression Fairies sure can be petty.
Angel Pagan – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Angel’s hot as a young Alicia Silverstone. Wait, she wasn’t in that Aerosmith video, was she?
Aaron Nola – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.45, with three hideous starts in a row. Hmm, he might be going through a dead arm period. Is his arm particularly interested in watching The Walking Dead? I would not start him in any league until we saw something decent.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .298. Me and ODB go back like babies and pacifiers. Keepin’ your fantasy hot like fire.
Vincent Velasquez – Says he’s discussed his innings limit with his agent, Scott Boras. It was right after Boras was heard screaming into the phone, “I love Latino people!”
Tyler Duffey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks. I told you Duffy was special! *intern whispers in my ear* Ah, yes, this is not Danny Duffy, but I ain’t got time for bird sex, and I don’t have time to be talking about every Duffy. Duffey has a 5.59 ERA, so this was nice, but I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for him, and even there I’d be careful.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Max Kepler – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Like mentioned in Dannys Antana’s blurb, Kepler was also hitless the previous two games but was hot for about a week prior so that he could be a hot schmotato.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.51. A Pineda that doesn’t take on multiple hits is just a frilly donkey stuffed with candy. Well, it could also be a useful starter. Ever since he was threatened with a demotion from the rotation, he’s rattled off useful starts. I didn’t say Quality because he couldn’t even get out of the sixth inning in two of them, but there has been Ks, and I could see trying him again. He’s paid his debt to Razz-society.
Ike Davis – Designated for assignment with the return of Te(i)x (1-for-3 and his 4th homer). Davis says he’d stay with the club if he passes through waivers unclaimed. Since the only other job I could see for Ike is dressing up for a President’s Day Sale at a used car lot, he’ll prolly stay there. “When our Ike swings that spinny sign, he has a huge hitch.” That’s a used car salesman talking to his co-worker.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.19. I just realized, with Eovaldi’s velocity but the absolute horrendous results, he shouldn’t be in the majors. He should be a carny, showing kids how to light up the radar gun to win a SpongeBob, then get discovered by a major league scout and, as portrayed by Kevin Costner, get to pitch one inning in September vs. the Rays. Or maybe that’s the plot for You Shall Know Our Velocity.