Argh, Cole The Pirate Has Spurry
Gerrit Cole has an injured arm, possibly elbow spurs. I love this scenario: a pitcher throws like garbage for weeks then the team announces he’s hurt. Love, love, love. This is my favorite. Five innings, five runs, but it’s likely nothing, just a bad start. Cut to five weeks later of terrible starts. “Oh, yeah, he’s got a torn tendon/elbow spur/missing forearm due to lost baggage. Oops! We should’ve sent him to a doctor six starts ago. Our bad!” Here’s what I said after his last start, “I don’t know what’s going on with Cole, but I’d guess injury or dead arm.” And that’s me quoting me! How is it that I can guess there’s a problem, but a major league team can’t figure shizz out? That should never be possible. I couldn’t even pass Bio 101, and an MLB team has a staff of doctors. Seriously, how does this happen? I want answers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jameson Taillon – 3 IP, 5 ER. ‘Cause I’ve seen better days, Taillon’s been the star of many plays. This start, however, was not Sublime.
Starling Marte – 3-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (44), hitting .307. Also, in this game, Brocktune Gregory Polanco hit his 20th homer. I kinda half expect this offseason to hear a legit conspiracy theory that Marte and Polanco both hit 15 homers — not 20 and 10, and they both stole 30 bases — not 15 and 45.
Junior Guerra – Expected back next weekend. War…what is he good for?! We’ll find out next weekend.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4, and his 11th homer. On our Player Rater, he’s top ten on the season, which is not surprising. Boo! That was meant to be surprising. So, why mention Villar’s season ranking? Because he’s only owned in 85% of ESPN leagues. I’d laugh, but like Ann Coulter said, “That’s just standard retard.”
Zack Godley – 2 IP, 9 ER. Unlike him to pitch that bad. It sure was an un-Godley amount of runs to give up.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs and two steals, his first two of the season. Damn, he’s already beating Machado.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. No foolies, when a guy gets to 27 homers, he should just be on a fantasy team, shouldn’t be a situation where he can be picked up.
Archie Bradley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.95. This is a promising start for Bradley, and he could be an ace next year (is what is currently going through Dave Stewart’s mind. Also, why don’t people have feathers? That’s also going through his mind.)
Anthony DeSclafani – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.96. This is me saying I don’t trust DeSclafani. This is DeSclafani saying go eff yourself.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and three homers this weekend. You can’t spell schmotato without Schebler if you spell it Schemotatobler.
Brandon Phillips – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and had three hits on Saturday. I grabbed BP for the Monday batty call. If you grab him too, we can have a dirty time together.
Danny Salazar – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Me looking at this Salazar game: shrugs. I don’t know, man and five womans. Maybe he needed to fix his mechanics. It’s always hard to tell if it’s an injury vs. a mechanics thing. That’s why you pay $175 for diagnostics.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91 vs. Taijuan Walker – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Rodon and Walker could be a number one ace next year, or completely unusable. If someone tells you they know, they are a witch, and you should burn them on a stake.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer, hitting .298. Totally missed on Cano this year. It’s all right, we all make mistakes. One could say you are listening to me on Cano was your mistake. Snatch!
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting over-.350 post-All-Star break, hitting over .360 in August, but was last week’s schmotato, so I’m not going to beat a dead horse and potentially upset PETA.
Joe Panik – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, and he hit a homer four games ago. I don’t want to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but PANIK IS A HOT SCHMOTATO!
Alex Reyes – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.64. He filled in for Mike Leake, who has shingles. I’m told this is some painful skin rash, and shingles have nothing to do with an overaggressive carpenter. If Reyes is out on waivers in your league, I wanna be in your league. Send an invite, yo! Also, grab Reyes before inviting me, because otherwise, I will.
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .287. Yeah, Carpenter wasn’t shingling. He was shellacking.
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 34th homer, hitting .254. He can hit a home run anywhere, so I don’t think it would change that much, but if Davis were still at Miller Park for his home games, he’d have 67 homers.
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-3 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Snooze, Vogt, you are so 2015. I may as well be dancing Gangnam Style.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.51. I’d cool my jets after seeing his 1.62 WHIP. Even if I were a Shark.
Wil Myers – Scratched with a stomach virus. SAGNOF may not have a face, but those runs do, little oyster faces.
Luis Perdomo – 9 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.84. Elias Sports Bureau said Perdomo is the first pitcher to throw a complete game while also being a resort destination on the Amalfi Coast.
Giancarlo Stanton – Marlins said Giancarlo could return the last week of the season. Marlins also said that’s all they can say right now because “We’re over our data plan for the month, and this is costing us money.”
Robert Gsellman – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. After the game, Gsellman said, “I’m just happy to be able to help the team.” Then he saw Matz, Syndergaard, deGrom and Harvey moving towards him, “Get your freakin’ elbow cooties away from me!”
Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.21. No joke, I have no idea why they’re not just shutting him down. The Phils aren’t playing for anything until, maybe, 2019. They need Velasquez to pitch these games? Rhetorical!
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.80. This was his most runs allowed since mid-April, and he had been battling back pain recently. Five over-the-internet dollars says he’s still dealing with some pain.
Blake Snell – 3 IP, 4 ER, but left after taking a comebacker off his foot. Earth to Rays, come in Rays. We are trying to tell you to shut down Snell. Do you copy, Rays? Rays, we can’t hear you unless you press the button on the side of the walkie talkie.
Alex Cobb – Will return on Friday or Saturday. Will go 4 IP, give up 3 ER and look menza menza. Or how about that Zack Wheeler? Then, next year, people will be asking in March about stashing some other DL pitcher. These always work out so well. Ow, eye roll headache!
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting near-.320 in the last week, hitting leadoff yesterday. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Duffy – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Duffy hasn’t done much of anything all year, but he does tend to get hot at times, this might be a time to cyclops him.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.10 vs. Doug Fister – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.60. The ticket for the Archer/Fister game had a warning printed on it, “Could lead to rectal bleeding.”
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, ten baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.55. He’s had a better 2nd half (still around a 4 ERA), but on a more broad note, I went to look at his game log from last year. You know when his best month was last year? April. In September, he had a 3.78 ERA. What I’m getting at is Keuchel hasn’t had five bleh months this year, his last six months were bleh. Yes, suddenly I’m talking like The Count. Bleh, bleh!
Lance McCullers – Resumed throwing. Not throwing gang signs, as one might think from McCullers-Cullers-Cullers.
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, but hit his 5th homer on Saturday, and has four homers in the last ten games. Y’all crumby with crackers if Bregman is available in your league and you’re not grabbing him.
Michael Fulmer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.69. I’m not ready to say it’s time to move on, but that time may be right after his next start. Fulmer, you’re on notice.
Tyler Skaggs – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.75. This is the visual I see from this start. I see Skaggs hitchhiking in the rain. I pick him up, drive him for 3 starts–miles, while he defecates in my seat and eats a Shamrock Shake, without sharing it with me and spilling half of it on my Cadillac Eldorado’s upholstery, then I let him out on the side of the road, and he starts handing out hundred dollar bills.
Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.01. It’s like I had a Duffy, but then I went into a cold pool.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.35 vs. Yordano Ventura – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.33. Kinda appropriate that these guys were facing each other since they both hint at terrific then punch you in your stupid mouth. Ventura a bit more literally.
Jason Hammel – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.21. So, the question I guess for the Cubs is, can they more or less shut everyone down from August 20th thru September 20th, then start them up again for the last week to prep them for the playoffs.
John Lackey – Will throw off a mound. Since he’s a major league pitcher, this is prolly good news.
Julio Urias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Okay, kinda whatever, but then you realize he’s only 20 years old. Damn, that’s sexy. And he’s winking at me! Wait, maybe he’s not.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.58. Stroman makes me constantly want to sigh. He’s got great stuff. He’s getting hit hard. Sigh. He’s putting it together with multiple solid outings. He’s getting hit hard. Sigh. I’m going to call him The Inevitable Sigh.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and three homers (31, 32, 33), hitting .294. I felt like being an ass, quoting some FanGraphs articles from right after the Donaldson/Lawrie trade two years ago, but instead I’m gonna be a lazy ass and just say there’s a ton of stuff written by them about how incredible Billy Beane is, and what a coup it is getting Lawrie for Donaldson. Yeah, Donaldson was a great piece to lose. Sure. Let me just say if you filter for news articles from November 2014, you read a lot of “This is (Beane) buying low and selling high.” It’s crazy how long the emperor’s been (pun, kinda) running around with no clothes and no one’s filing indecent exposure charges.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .253. Has stayed relatively healthy this year, but — and it’s a serious Serena Williams-level but here — Tulo’s still barely been a top 200 player overall.
Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.63, as he was recalled. I’m kinda caca-cuckoo for rookie pitchers in May, June, and July, but, at this point, too much on the line in leagues to be starting guys that could roofie you and sell your liver on Craigslist.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4, and his 5th homer hitting .345. I’m gonna name my next dog, Treat Urner, and I’m gonna teach him how to sit, shake and play 2nd base, as a dedication.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, and his 20th homer, hitting .314. Should’ve known good things were ahead after Ramos got Lasik and then the next morning after the surgery said, “Someone needs to help that woman trapped in her car!” Only ‘that woman’ was three towns over, and five days in the future.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. You know shizz is a little sideways when Harper has a good game, and it’s a 1-for-4 game.
Nolan Arenado – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer. “Hey, look, the Cyclone from Coney Island must be touring the country.” That’s not a Cyclone! That’s a Torenado!
David Dahl – 1-for-4, and his 5th homer, hitting .325. I hate to have Chazz Noir lose all of his fantasy value, but I kinda hope he’s moved this offseason, so there’s no chance Walt Weiss does anything stupid with Dahl’s playing time.
Steve Pearce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, as he hit leadoff, which is Ludacris until you realize he’s got his OBP-knows in different area codes than Adam Jones. In much better area codes, like a Bel Air OBP.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer. C’mon, get to 50 homers, so some lunatics rank you in the top 20 next year.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Can I predict next April? Beginning of April Grey, “I’m psyched that I drafted Gausman on multiple teams.” Middle of April Grey, “Ugh, these matchups are terrible.” End of April Grey, “Okay, I’m dropping Gausman, but I still have my health and handsomeness.”
Chad Green – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER while pitching with a huge lead that led to Green, breaking win’d. Apparently, I could stream Green two straight solid starts, but on the third one I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Who, me? Yes, you!