Golf's Best One-Liners

Your game may be on or off — that's golf — but your humor must be spot on. Here are four tried-and-true groaners that are guaranteed to lift the level of conversation (and maybe your level of play) to new lows.

Golf is a game for guys and gals and gabbing and gossip. It's about folks walkin' and talkin' down the fairway, kibitzing during cart time and sharing a brew with the crew at the 19th hole. How you play? No matter. Conversation is the key to the best part of golf.

And yet conversation doesn't come easy for all of us. Indeed, learning to play golf well is difficult, but it may be easier than learning to converse — especially with confidence. I'm of Norwegian heritage, so I know. The joke is you can tell the difference between a Norwegian introvert and Norwegian extrovert because the extrovert looks at your shoes when he's talking.

Advice alert: "Look at their shoes." Be an extrovert on the course this weekend, even if you're not elsewhere. Fake it ‘til you make it. Be yourself but let your light shine a bit brighter. Look your buds in the eye, listen for what's going on with them and loosen up with what's going on with you.

"Look at their shoes."

Humor is huge. It sparks conversations even among the soggiest of souls, so be at the ready with a good joke well told. It's all in the telling, and telling a joke is not a tap-in, at least not for us Norwegian-types. So start small and work up to longer bits of brilliance. Practice your presentation in front of a mirror, and then when you're on the course, pick your spots for showtime.

So enough with the prologue, already. Here are four go-to one-liners that'll liven things up on the links:

  1. David Feherty. Unfortunately, this is the line you'll probably use the most while playing. "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
  2. Mickey Mantle. Great line for those who like cart golf. "The only sure rule in golf is: He who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie."
  3. Billy Graham. For those who think golf is a religious experience. "I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course."
  4. Henny Youngman. This is probably the best of the batch. "While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

Your turn. What's your favorite golf one-liner?

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