The PickrenZONE No. 9

I think if we score more points than the other team, then we will win this season
By Dave Pickren
The PickrenZONE

July 10, 2001

Last week I got email from someone in the lower part of the state. It went something like this:

Dear PickrenZONE:

What in the world is up with High School Football in this state? Reading the past few articles you wrote, one would think that the game is in serious trouble. Budget cuts, poor sportsmanship, drug testing? Gee you would think it was NBA basketball or some other twisted, sick sport.

Does anything good happen anymore?

Where is the fun and humor?


A concerned fan

Well I guess "Concerned Fan" has a good point. Recently we have spent a great deal of time concentrating on the negative aspect of sports all the while ignoring what is right about our favorite sport.

It's like Crash Davis said in Bull Durham, "It's a game, you are supposed to have fun, laugh, smile, have fun, now everyone go out there and have fun."

With the season starting in 7 weeks, I think the fun and glory of High School Football will return by itself and the discussions will return to touchdowns, tackles, win and losses and the cheerleaders and bands.. We will have our game back for 15 straight weeks and our weekends will be set.

As far as the humor, I think head coaches provide a great deal of humor this time of year with their quotes in the newspapers, on the radio and in all the preseason magazines. I am always amazed at some of the nuggets of wisdom that come out of coach's mouths. It is funny, perplexing and sometimes you just wonder what in the world were they thinking.

Of course as a fan there are always a few things you never want to hear your coach say 7 weeks prior to the start of a season. You know it is going to be a long season when your head coach starts the pre season press conference with these statements:

It seemed like a good idea last year when I scheduled Dorman, Spartanburg, Lexington, Summerville, Stratford, Greenwood, Aiken, Union and Marlboro County.

I really thought those chemicals would make the grass at the stadium greener.

Soccer is a commie sport but I can always use a kid that is good from 40 yards in.

I categorically deny that I had an improper relationship with last year's homecoming queen.

I think I now have a clearer understanding of what the Superintendent, the school board and SCHSL expect from me in the future.

It think we can double our win total from last year Yes I know we only won 1 game last year.

Does anyone have any résumé paper I can borrow?

DHEC has cleared the way for usage of the locker rooms this season.

When speaking with the assistant coaches you don't want to hear these words:

I thought we agreed that you would coach the offense this year.

The last time I saw the playbook was at the coach's clinic last month, I thought you picked it up from there.

You had lunch with Brad who last week!!!

When speaking with the star quarterback, you hope the coach does not utter these words:

What do you mean you are trying to lose 25 pounds to wrestle at 187?

No son, I do not believe that playing the Tuba is as demanding as playing Offensive Guard.

What do you mean your dad has been transferred to California?

Your GPA is what?

No son, I don't think conspiracy to commit a felony will look good on your college transcript.

I don't care if McDonalds is paying $7.00 an hour.

Of course my favorites are the clichés that coaches like to throw around. For those of you new to High School Football, SC Prep is proud to offer this handy translation guide to your favorite coaches clichés.

Coaches Clichés Corner (and the translations)


We play with a lot of heart.


We have no talent and our coaching staff is poor.


We are a young team


I ran off all the seniors because they had no talent and the others left because they think I am jerk


Our team is inexperienced but hungry


We have no kids that understand the game but hey, it they play we feed them a burger after every game.


Our offense this year will be creative.


Because I know the defense will be giving up 35 a game


We are asking a lot from our players.


Because we haven't done a good job coaching them


Our QB can cover a lot of ground and can make things happen


Our O Line is so bad that the QB is going is going to be running for his life before he can count to 3 MISSISISIPPI.


We have a lot of kids playing a lot of different positions


We only have 3 kids with any real talent so they are going to have to cover for the other 8 that should be in the band


We are changing our offensive philosophy.


Heck nothing else has worked so we might as well try this.


With a little luck we can have a successful season.


I have been talking to the Big Guy upstairs every day praying for some type of miracle because we are going to need it.


We have an exciting defense this year with great players.


They do a great job at chasing the opponent's tail back down the field, at least they won't be out there very long

Oh wait; with our offense they better drink the water quickly.


We are hoping everyone is healthy and ready to go.


Grades will cost us a few kids and there is always the sheriff's office.


We are expecting great things this season


Don't know if we will get them but we are expecting them


The region is looking tougher this year.


But at least they have one guaranteed W when they play us.


Our punter has All American Potential


Cause he is going to get a lot of work this year.

And finally the number one thing you don't want to hear from your head coach in August:

Just you wait; the 2002 season is really shaping up nicely.

The countdown is on 7 weeks from today. Strap on the pads. Let the games begin

The Pickren ZONE

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