World Gone Crazy

Can you imagine the Boston Red Sox spent $51 million just to be able to start working on a contract with agent Scott Boras? How will anybody in Boston ever be able to afford to go to the ballpark? It's absolutely, certifiably insane. Just insane.

Next, the bidding on Alfonso Soriano has reached six years and $80 million - and the Dodgers are still interested. Has anybody ever seen the guy with a glove in his hand? Soriano does two things good and the rest bad. In his case, the five tools have to include two or three rocks in his head.

Mr. General Manager, skip this guy.

Now, the Fox rumor guy says the Dodgers are interested in Juan Pierre. Another no brainer, as in no brains if they do. Has anyone noticed three teams in a row wanted to get the guy and then didn't give two hoots to hang on to him?

Pierre is a perfect candidate for platoon baseball. Him to run and hit singles and another player to throw the ball. He would need two or three cutoff men.

And the Dodgers are said to want Gary Matthews Jr. A certifiable one year wonder who wants to cash in with a $10 million a year contract. Somebody will give it to him. Hopefully somebody else.

The same Fox guy says the Yankees want Nomar for first base. Why not? They love to collect old guys with big salaries and they have to be offended the Red Sox made them look like pikers this week.

They say J.D. Drew is being offered five year contracts by a number of teams. He'll have a chance to set a modern day record for most games not being able to answer the bell in a single contract.

They also say Julio Lugo, who got nary a homer in half a season with the Dodgers, and dissed the good name of Mario Mendoza with his effort at the plate, is looking at four year contracts at $8 million per. One of us is taken to smokin' upside down cigarettes.

Says the Dodgers are interested in 2B baseman Adam Kennedy. Why? When brother LaRoche comes up, Wilson Betemit moves to second.

One rumor has the Dodgers interested in Mike Piazza as second string catcher, backup first baseman and pinch hitter. Hey, we already got Olmedo Saenz who right now is a better hitter than Mike, comes a lot cheaper. And why would anyone want to put a broken hitter behind the plate?

No wonder the Boston Parking Lot Attendant got into baseball. When he took a look at the brains in the game, he figured it would be easy pickens. He was right in his assessment of the brains in the game, whether he is any smarter only time will tell.

It says if the Dodgers can't get Soriano or Carlos Lee (another guy who is a stranger to the art of the glove), they are interested in the following retreads: Luis Gonzalez (older and slower than Shawn Green), Cliff Floyd (a walking or sitting invitation to the DL), Trot Nixon (a chronic underachiever), Aubrey Huff (a Richie Sexson look a like strikeout machine) or Frank Catalannoto. Only the latter should receive any reasonable consideration, but he has usually proven to be a spare part than a regular in his other postings.

It also says among the bullpen guys the Dodgers are looking at are: Ron Villone, Justin Speier, Russ Springer, Charles Bradford and David Weathers. Again, only the latter causes the reasonable heart to flutter just a touch.

Where do all these rumors come from? Must be the same lazy baseball guys dreaming rather than working.

These guys all seem to be (a) stuck on the Lasorda Dictum that only experience counts (even if it is mostly experience in losing and failure), (b) thinking our money, and it is our money they are talking about, is the same as monopoly money.

Boy, P.T. Barnum has to be turning over in his grave, having missed this golden opportunity.

No wonder the Islamists hell bent on taking over the world think they have things going their way - if the west handles everything else like it handles their sports, they got it made.

For the kind of money these nuts are talking, we'd be better off just to swap teams with the Florida Marlins, or better yet, buy the team, keep the players, and throw the franchise away. It'd be a lot cheaper and we'd wind up with a better team in the bargain.