(LOS GATOS, CA) You notice that this piece is being filed from Los Gatos and not San Francisco? That’s because the team didn’t give me a press pass to attend today’s home opener. Being the considerate and snappy dressing guy that I am, I’m willing to take the high road by helping out your San Francisco Giants.
Noah Lowry pulled up lame in his follow through on a 1-2 pitch to the poor man’s A-Rod, Brian Jordan, i.e., a player afraid of winning. A pall fell over the Yahoogles (Yahoo and Google employees) filling the stands at AT&T Park and suddenly a vulnerable starting staff got really scary in a bad way. (I’m happy to see the hi-tech dorks get to see the game in person and not me, but again I am here to help.)
Rather than panicking and hucking my remote into the couch a common gesture of mine while watching Giants games I internally summoned serenity now and came up with a plan.
He’s out of a job and he’s wasting away in a VIP box watching crappy Rangers games. He can’t want his last outing to be a loss against Team Mexico in the WBC. He has to dry heave at the idea of having a nice little Saturday at Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond (only if there’s time) when he could be pitching in a Game 2 on national television.
I told you I was helping the team.
Just think how great it would be to stick it to the Evil Empire’s fans who still talk about this guy as if he’s just one limo ride away from the Bronx. I’d love to look at my Yankee buddy Ken and invoke the words of White Goodman by telling him to cram it up his cramhole once Clemens dons orange and black.
The tough part is convincing Clemens that San Francisco even exists. He knows only Boston, New York and his home state of Texas when asked to name towns, boroughs, cities and states in this country. It’s time to expand his horizons and Magowan’s checkbook.
It would be the San Francisco’s biggest coup since signing America’s newest TV sweetheart in 1993. Imagine the rotation: Schmidt (providing he doesn’t continue to suck), Matt Morris (a serviceable Andy Pettitte imitator), the Rocket and the youngsters Cain and Lowry (when healthy). Now, imagine that rotation in a short series.
Javier Rodriguez Rodriguez tells the DEA guys in the swimming pool, “That’s what I’m talking about,” in “Traffic” and that’s what I’m talking about.
If money is the only thing keeping Brian Sabean from calling Clemens’ reps, then start a collection during the 7th inning stretch. Charge $20 a glass for that overrated Niebaum-Coppola wine they’re serving at the park. Screw it, just write the guy a check after he’s won the World Series for the Giants and let that sucker bounce! What’s Clemens going to do, ask to forfeit?!
I’m not even keeping a World Series victory as the prime motivator for signing him. Shoring up the pitching staff and going deep into October is all well and good, but think about what it would do for “Bonds on Bonds”! The show is already great, but it would crush “24” when it comes to pure suspense, emotion and horror. They would physically fight, yet put up numbers not seen since my college roommates mastered Nintendo’s RBI Baseball in 1991. Staggering.
And speaking of “24”, was I the only making my diapers filthier than my two-year old’s when President Logan was talking to Christopher Henderson at the end of last week’s episode? Will Jack Bauer actually have to choke a President by the time this season concludes? And do you lead with a punch or just go straight for the neck on a President? What’s the protocol?
Aside from the goings-on at CTU, the Giants have a problem and possess an easy solution. Get the Rocket. Shock the world. Show the fans that there’s more to this team than Bonds and a ballpark. The Niners got Deion in ’94 and look how that worked out.
Get the hired gun and live up to that “win now” b.s. that Sabean was talking about last month. It’s easy for Brian Sabean to have the hollow reputation as one of baseball’s finest GM’s when he’s had the greatest player of all time carrying the load for fifteen-plus years. Trust me Brian; you’ll earn your keep if you put a contract in front of Roger.
I’m here to help.
Now somebody give me my press pass.
Keith Larson writes for SFDugout.com because he's lived and died with the Giants since 1972. He welcomes all words of praise and insult at firstname.lastname@example.org, but mentioning anything having to do with Game 6 is to be done with extreme caution.
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