Power Rankings

With Luke Lapinski smothered by tests at Arizona State University this week, Jason A. Churchill and Joe Kaiser take over the power rankings this week. Churchill and Kaiser don't claim to be half as humorous as Lapinski, but feel they're good for a laugh or two.

1) Anaheim - Vlad, Colon, worth their Halos weight in Gold.

2) Florida - Champs playing as hungry as a Starved Rat in a Cheetoh Factory.

3) Oakland - Too bad Hudson, Mulder, Zito can't hit or close.

4) BostonDerek Lowe a decent No. 2 starter, a studly No. 3 starter.

5) New York Yankees – The best lineup money can buy, and Gary Sheffield leads the regulars with a .286 batting average. Ouch.

6) Chicago Cubs – We have a goat in our clubhouse...what are YOU gonna do about it?

7) Los Angeles - The answer all along was Milton Bradley? The BoardGame co.? Dodgers fans still awaiting word on whether Bradley's arrival will lead to Free Parking.

8) St. Louis - We Think Pujols is Pretty Good.

9) Atlanta – 38 runs in 6 games. I thought these guys couldn't hit.

10) Kansas City - Royal Pain for the AL Central.

11) San Francisco- Bonds needs more help to win West again...Oh wait...No he doesn't.

12) Houston - The Juice Box is leaking baseballs, as usual.

13) White Sox – Big Hurt playing like Little Owie.

14) Minnesota - More guys on DL than wins in week one.

15) Detroit - From worst to first?...So far so good.

16) New York Mets - Second best team in NY...Woohoo!

17) San Diego - Petco is the worst designed NL park since the Murph.

18) Philadelphia - Boy is that new park nice. All the players seems to stare at it all game long.

19) Seattle - It's time that BoMel and co. call up their insurance policy. No, not SAFECO. Pat Borders!

20) Tampa Bay - Lou's Crew atop AL's Eastern Division. Not the Eastern League, the AL's Eastern Division.

21) Cincinnati - Junior is healthy, Dunn is making contact, and the pitching isn't horrible...the Apocalypse is upon us.

22) Milwaukee - This is the High-Life?

23) Arizona – Big Unit's health is fine; it's his ego that's hurting. In two starts, Johnson is 0-1 with a 5.54 ERA and been taken deep twice.

24) Texas – A better team without A-Rod and one of the best lineups in baseball. Still destined for the AL West cellar.

25) Pittsburgh – Quick, name a Pirate. No, Johnny Depp doesn't count.

26) Cleveland – Jacobs Field soon to be renamed "Jody's Field" in honor of baseball's most underrated youngster, Indians' right fielder Jody Gerut.

27) Baltimore – Lopez, Tejada and Palmeiro make O's fans smile. Ainsworth, Parrish, and DuBose make them scream.

28) Toronto – Jays were swept by the Tigers at home to start the season. Last year's Cy Young winner Halladay is 0-2. Weren't these guys supposed to be good?

29) Montreal - Vlad, Come Back!

30) Colorado – Preston's knees are aching just as the Rockies hopes are fading.

Like the Power Rankings this week? Send any thoughts you might have to staff@insidethepark.com.

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