Take Out a Sharpened No. 2 Pencil… Should the Mariners Be Interested in David Wells?
1) Yeah, and why don't we go get Hank Aaron? He's still alive.
2) It depends on whether Howard Lincoln has softened any on bikers. and convicts
3) The Wiggen Theorem: Wells is lefty, what else do you need to know?
4) I don't want to redecorate the clubhouse in leather and chrome.
5) Wells only wants $2.5 million, not $7 million, so it's time for Jamie to see if that 1991 Cubs' coaching offer is still on the table.
6) Can't we get somebody low-maintenance, like Kenny Rogers or Steven Seagal?
7) Anybody who looks that much like Dick Butkus is bound to help Meche and Jo-El.
8) All of the above.
9) None of the above.
Correct Answer Below. See How You Did…
Q: Is David Wells Really a Ballplayer, Or Is He Some Kind of Urban Myth? What Do You Think of Him?
A: Wells is a longtime ‘BABVA' roto fave - we vacuum him up into our team dust bag every chance we get. In recent years, that's not often. Personally love the guy as one of the game's fiercest competitors.
As you know, the straitlaced Dr. D does not endorse Wells' tendency to set down 27 straight hitters and then set down 27 straight refreshments after the game.
But the "free spirit" aspect of his personality, as such, is enjoyable. Being loose and confident is a non-negotiable pre-req to the Championship 121 class.
Q: You Can't Be Serious About a 43-year-old Lefthander Pitching For the Mariners. …Um, Whoops…
A: Wells quips that "everything on my body hurts EXCEPT my left arm." Believe him. Everything on YOUR body hurts just watching him pitch.
Did you know that David Wells has thrown 184 or more innings in nine of the last ten years? Including each of his age 40-42 seasons?
Q: What Kind of Pitcher Is He At This Point?
A: Wells walked 21 men last year. Which was his highest total in four years. That is 0+ walks per start, kiddies.
With good HR rates also, Wells is in the Bill James Tommy John Family Of Pitchers. This means that he gives up singles, but absolutely nothing else -- no walks, no stolen bases, no HR's, no wild pitches, etc.
You pry your bases out of Wells' cold, dead fingers. He is the ultimate "you will earn everything you get" pitcher.
The thing about Wells is that he does not beat himself. Does this attribute make him an effective No. 4 starter? I dunno, Chuck, does a half-billion-dollar stadium make a guy an effective bidnessman? While the M's "Big Three" could plan the October ruckus, David Wells could beat up on the Royals and D-Rays and get them there.
Q: It Does Seem Like Safeco Is a Good Match For Him.
A: Wells as an old, finesse lefty, was very effective in 2005 in Fenway. That's a little bit like saying Dick Cheney was very effective at a Tom Petty concert at the Gorge, or like saying that Mick Jagger was very effective at a Peace Corps well-dig in Togo.
If he was good at Fenway, what would he be in Seattle? Safeco would cut Wells' HR rate to, say, 0.6, leaving his projected ERA in the mid-threes for 2006.
We're serious. The over/under for Wells' ERA, in Seattle in 2006, would be maybe 3.75 -- in the four slot. Yeah, yeah, sub-four sounds easy in Safeco, unless of course you are a current Mariner pitcher.
Q: Aren't We well-stocked in Forty-something Lefties?
A: The old lefthander Jamie Moyer, who is hanging on to the "league average" screen door by his fingernails, is opening public negotiations at $7mm.
The old lefthander David Wells, who is one of the league's best 25 starters without any question, is locked in for next year at $2.5mm.
Q: There's No Crying in Baseball and There's No Having Fun in Seattle. There's Sitting Politely and Watching 4-2 Losses and Cheering When the Scoreboard Gives the Go-ahead.
A: Has anybody noticed how many fun players are available to the M's for 2006?
How much sheer fun would it be, to see Felix and Matsuzaka and Johjima and Burnett and Griffey .... and David Wells in 2006?
Are you the kind of guy who wants the yellow flag hurled with gusto, when Randy Moss spikes a touchdown over the goalposts? You whistle Vladimir Radmanovic down when he hangs on the rim and mugs for the camera? Then steer farrrrrrrr clear of David Wells. He also is about winning games and pumping his fist while he's doing it.
Q: Wells Parties. I Thought We Just Got Done Power Flushing a Coupla All-Stars For That?
A: Howard Lincoln keeps assuring us he's got nothing, absolutely nothing, really, nothing, against "high-maintenance" players in Seattle.
David Wells Is the Perfect Litmus Test For These Claims. Wells is not violent, is not on drugs, does not worship Diana of the Ephesians or any other six-armed being, is not a sinister man. He's on cheesburgers and suds, and he speaks his mind, and he tosses out wins like a McDonald's cook throwing 1/10th-lb burgers into the sandwich slide.
Wells would be twice the fun, twice the wins, and half the price of our current Mariner HOF lefthander.
So here's the bargain, chief. (1) You deal for David Wells and (2) we will forever put "PAID" to those complaints that you can't be bothered with "high-maintenance" stars.
Offer Wells an extra $500,000 to come here, and let him wear his sparkly championship rings around the clubhouse, and let him win 15 for us out of the four slot.
Maybe Joel Pineiro will learn a little something about war and peace along the way.
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