A.J. Cole - I would legally change his first name to Andy so he's searchable on Twitter (@NationalsReview thought of this first):
Aaron Barrett - The easy choice is to change the wild pitch in game four of the NLDS last year. I liked how he responded to it ("We will come back stronger than ever"), and am skeptical that the wild pitch being stuck in his head is the reason for his struggles this year. So instead, I'll change the timing of his breakdowns this year; in the 11 games where he's either given up a run or allowed an inherited runner to score, eight have been when the Nationals were either ahead by run, tied, or behind by one run. The Nats went 2-6 in those games, with a Michael Taylor home runs saving the day in both victories (May 13 vs ARI and June 10 vs NYY).AJ Cole might have to start going by Andy - every time I search his name on Twitter, it's just people wanting to go to "a J. Cole concert"— Nationals Review (@nationalsreview) June 30, 2015
Emmanuel Burriss - I would change the fact that he hasn't started a game at Nationals Park yet. Having a player who is actually from Washington, DC could do wonders with getting local kids into baseball, even if he's just a bench guy. As we've seen with Dan Uggla, backup middle infielders haven't gotten many starts this year due to the high-level play of Danny Espinosa and Yunel Escobar. Still, it would be good to see him in the starting nine at least once.
Dan Butler - I would change %%MATCH_14%%'s date of birth. It would be nice to have a 22 year old catcher in AAA with on-base skills (despite his struggles this year). Having a 28 year old catcher with on-base skills in AAA isn't very exciting.
David Carpenter - This is a tough one. I would love to change his college (WVU) or the teams he's played for from 2013 through June 2015 (Barves and Yankees). I'll copy his 2015 Yankees stats (4.82 ERA, 1.67 K/BB ratio) and paste them over his 2013-14 Barves stats, while copying his 2013-14 Barves stats (2.63 ERA, 3.92 K/BB ratio) and paste them over his 2015 Nats stats.
Erik Davis - I would change his look so people would stop comparing him to Tyler Clippard.
Matt den Dekker - I definitely wouldn't change his Twitter handle away from @UpperDekker. I would probably change his uniform pants to jorts so everyone would know he went to the University of %%MATCH_13%%.
Ian Desmond - I would change his K/BB ratio from 96/15 to 15/96. That would raise his triple slash line to .287/.494/.452, which would be pleasing to me.
Wilmer Difo - I would retroactively cast him in all of Willem Dafoe's movies. I would love to see 7 year old Wilmer Difo in pursue of the Boondock Saints for 108 minutes.
Yunel Escobar - I would remove the weird smudge of facial hair on his team picture.
Danny Espinosa - I would change his mustache back to the Yosemite Sam look.
%%MATCH_30%% - I would legally change his name to Dog Fister.
%%MATCH_22%% - I would flip his 2012 NLDS Game 5 performance with his August 31, 2012 performance against St. Louis (complete game shutout).
%%MATCH_17%% - I would change his bat to one that doesn't have a huge hole in it.
Matt Grace - I would change his pitching arsenal to a set of pitches that gets batters out.
%%MATCH_23%% - I'm not messing with anything on the field with Bryce. I'm adding a 0 to both the years and dollars on his contract - he'd be cool with a 20 year/$75 million contract, right?
%%MATCH_31%% - I'd turn him into the model Taylor Hill.
%%MATCH_18%% - I'd keep him away from gas station sushi.
%%MATCH_24%% - I would swap his career numbers against the Nats (.301/.353/.420) with his career numbers with the Nats (.222/.263/.278).
%%MATCH_19%% - I would change his last name to Hanson and his entrance music to MMMBop.
%%MATCH_25%% - I would change him from a switch-hitting catcher to a switch-throwing catcher, unleashing unexpected lefthanded pick-off throws to nab runners that stray too far away from first base when righties are at the plate.
%%MATCH_20%% - I would change his first name to Ricky because that slider is Livin' La Vida Loca.
%%MATCH_26%% - I would place him back on the Orioles' roster.
%%MATCH_32%% - I would also place him on the Orioles' roster.
%%MATCH_27%% - I'll give Wilson Lasik so he could see and catch balls thrown from the outfield and cut-off man.
%%MATCH_15%% - Tony Two Bags gets Cal Ripken's body so he would stop getting hurt.
%%MATCH_21%% - I would also keep him away from gas station sushi.
%%MATCH_28%% - I would make him both the 7th and 8th inning guy.
%%MATCH_16%% - I'd force his minor league managers to give him significantly more than ten career games worth of experience in the outfield over eight seasons.
%%MATCH_33%% - I would change the results of the second time around the Cubs' lineup in his MLB debut to match the first time around the Cubs' lineup (9 up, 9 down).
%%MATCH_29%% - I would move %%MATCH_46%% back six inches in the batters box and add six inches to Anthony Rendon's glove hand and BOOM, BACK-TO-BACK NO-NOS, WITH ONE PERFECT GAME. And to be honest, I bet Max doesn't walk %%MATCH_36%% in the 8th if he has a perfecto going. BACK-TO-BACK PERFECTOS!
%%MATCH_43%% - Sammy Solis gets Cy Young's body (in his prime, not his dead body you sickos). 749 complete games and 7356 career innings pitched probably means he's got a pretty durable arm.
%%MATCH_44%% - I would get a 2-for-1 deal at a back specialist to fix his and my Uncle Kevin's backs, because they're both super cool guys who would be much happier with fully functional backs.
%%MATCH_38%% - I would give Craig a fully functional flexor tendon so he can start running out to Eye of the Tiger while putting out fires on the mound again.
%%MATCH_45%% - 2012 game 5 and 2014 game 2. Next.
%%MATCH_34%% - Clone Cy Young's body and give Stras one, too. And maybe combine it with Cal Ripken's just in case.
Michael Taylor - I would triple his HR total while keeping the trend that all of his homers either tie the game or give the Nats a lead.
%%MATCH_39%% - I would give him his average fastball velocity back (per FanGraphs' PITCHf/x data, his four seamer is down from 95.4 mph last year to 93.4 mph this year and his two seamer down from 95.0 mph last year to 93.7 mph this year).
%%MATCH_40%% - I would flip his performance in low-leverage situations (career .618 OPS against, 9 runs allowed to 185 batters faced) with his performance in high-leverage situations (career .942 OPS allowed, 20 runs allowed to 75 batters faced).
Dan Uggla - I would cast him as the fifth Velociraptor in Jurassic World.
%%MATCH_42%% - I would give him Dan Uggla's forearm muscles so he can't hurt his wrists no more.
%%MATCH_37%% - I'd put him in a bubble.
%%MATCH_35%% - I'd leave him in to face %%MATCH_41%% in the 9th inning of game 2 of the 2014 NLDS.