When All Else Fails, Screw Your Buddy

Chad Jones takes us behind the scenes of <i>Full Metal Jacket</i>, the Army, and those bathroom stalls in Oakland where Jose Canseco says he injected Mark McGwire with steroids. Ever heard of a <b>Blue Falcon</b>? Then you need to read this...

So Jose Canseco finally admits to poking Mark McGwire's booty with his needle -- his hypodermic needle.

I haven't read Canseco's new tell all book, "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits and How Baseball Got Big," where he admits to sticking his former bash brother with a hot shot of 'roids. But from what I've seen of it, Big Mac isn't the only major leaguer Jose's made "squeal like a pig."

According to Canseco, Jason Giambi, Rafael Palmeiro and Ivan Rodriguez are the most notable All-stars who have used performance-enhancing drugs to help their career. Jose also claims that the 'Giambino,' 'Viagraman' and Pudge are only three names on a list of users that includes "70 to 80 percent" of major league ball players. Baseball's first 40-40 man even found a way to implicate President George W. Bush as a willing participant in baseball's conspiracy to use steroids and its baseball byproduct, home runs, to get fans back in the seats after the strike shortened 94-95 season. Canseco accuses the President of keeping quiet about his knowledge of players using steroids while he was the Texas Rangers' general managing partner. Who said steroids can't affect your head?

I don't think my thoughts on steroid use in baseball are a secret, steroids are the worst thing to happen to baseball since the D- Rays or Randy Johnson's mullet because they guarantee a record book full of asterisks, real or perceived. Players who get caught doping shouldn't be suspended for 10 days or a month. They should be banned for life because they're damaging the game's integrity just as much as Pete Rose or the Black Sox ever did.

With that being said, you might think I'm down with Canseco's actions, but Contraire Mon Frere. Jose did something much worse than breaking baseball's new "Golden Rule."

He broke life's Golden Rule, or at least my version of it.

YOU DON'T RAT OUT YOUR BOYS. It's the precursor to bro's before "ladies" and I don't care what momma says, it's more important than treating other's the way you'd want to be treated.

This is especially true and necessary in a locker room where it's assumed a player's transgressions are protected under a veil of confidentiality.

The Army has a phrase for Canseco's action. It's called "Screwing Your Buddy." Perpetrators of such an offense are known simply as "Blue Falcons," and they destroy a unit's morale quicker than a one way ticket to Iraq. That's why there is a special punishment reserved for their kind. A blanket party, which in case you haven't seen "Full Metal Jacket," consists of 30 Soldiers armed with a towel wrapped around a bar of soap, some kind of gag, and a good beating, usually to the midsection. Why the midsection? Some say it's because it doesn't leave bruises. I say you should hit them in the groin because that's where it feels like you've been kicked after the Blue Falcon strikes.

I know Jose's broke, and his book will probably bring in a little more income than his house tours. I found an advanced copy for $16.47. But broke or not, at least Jose had his manhood, or at least a shriveled version of it. Now, if Tony Montana is right, and he usually is, all Jose has in this world is nothing.

Chad Jones can be reached at FutureBacks@cox.net


MadFriars Top Stories