"The Padres have always preached patience at the plate," he said. "Because of my age, I don't exactly have a quick swing. So, I don't swing at all. Tell me how you can be more patient than that?"
Grady Fuson, vice president of scouting and player development, noted that Savage has never grounded into a double play, botched a squeeze play, or struck out swinging in his entire career, though his batting average, slugging percentage, and other statistics were not immediately available.
Padres' minor league field coordinator Bill Bryk had nothing but praise for Savage.
"The guy's got great insight," Bryk said. "I've been telling him for a long time, ‘One of these days I'm going to hire you,' and I meant it. I'm happy to say that we've finally met his financial requests."
When later informed that Savage had been signed to a playing contract, Bryk scooted away in his golf cart without further comment, mowing down first baseman Michael Johnson in the process. The resulting injury will sideline Johnson for the remainder of the decade.
In Savage's absence from the MadFriars.com site, assistant editor Sean Thompson will retire from his minor league post and assume full editorship responsibilities. When asked if he had confidence in Thompson, Savage abruptly yelled that his Chinese food delivery had arrived and hung up the phone.
Savage's contract features several benefits typically relegated to only the highest profile clients. In addition to receiving his own golf cart, Savage will be permitted to carry his camera at all times, drive recklessly, and shave his head during the seventh inning stretch or while in the on-deck circle.
Prospect Kyle Blanks won the most recent Padres' dash, beating out over 50 of his teammates for the record time. The race was from all players' natural positions to the first base bag. Ties were settled by deferring to the alphabetical order of the third letter of players' last names.
Disclaimer: This April Fools' Day article was written for the sole purpose of parody. Damage to the reputation of anyone other than Denis Savage was neither intended nor expected.