Upper Deck: Thoreau, The Mavs And Pod People

Thoreau once wrote, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Clearly when he wrote that great wisdom, he was referring to me. I am a great mass, and I am getting quietly desperate for a Mavericks win.

Well maybe not that quiet. You know things are getting pretty grim when you put a brown paper bag over your head to watch a Mavericks game. The sad thing is that I am at home right now watching on television, and I did not bother cutting out the eye holes. In general, the game was better that way, though it did make eating popcorn more difficult.

When I was about six years old, a babysitter let me stay up late and watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a science fiction movie where people are gradually replaced by pod people who have absolutely no talent at playing basketball, but just stand around with a Wade Phillips, "What is going on expression?" on their face for a good part of the games. I had nightmares about my family being replaced by pod people until I became a teenager, after that I use to hope my family would be replaced by pod people. It was only recently that I realized it is indeed happening.

Going into this LA game for sure, the Mavericks are not the same bunch of guys that we saw earlier in the season. They have been replaced. And, if I was Mark Cuban I would begin scouring the A.A.C. for the pods. Because these pod people must come from a planet where they have never seen a basketball. Unless, of course, the pod people have already gotten Mark, which might explain why he has been so well behaved during the slump.

I am not suggesting that we should panic, though panicking does carry with it certain definite advantages, number one being that if everyone starts running around hysterically, it would at least be more entertaining than what we have seen on the court recently.

I know everyone is wondering what should be done, and no one seems to have the answers until now, but as a scholar and a guy who is forced to attend a lot of those meetings that have team building activities. I have come up with three steps that I think would help the Mavericks get back on the right track before the end of the season.

Step one, call a players only meeting, during this meeting the players should start with an icebreaker, like discussing, "If they could be any animal what would it be?" Hopefully, at least one of them will select an animal that can play basketball.

Step two, identify who is playing up to their potential and who is not. Then get rid of the ones that are playing up to their potential, because if that is all they have, they suck.

Step three, check all the players garages for pods. If there are not any there, for God's sake, order some. Some of us are getting desperate.

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