Donuts: Cryogenics, Homosexuality And You

Sunday Morning Mavs Donuts: Cuban in the Tank, Nellie on ice, Dallas poorly-dressed, Irvin on homosexuality, Nash to Europe, and Nowitzki and the Dirkettes using cryogenics. (And no, 'cryogenics' isn't what LeBron does when he doesn't get his way.) Donuts!

DONUT 1: At first blush, it appears to be some sort of attention grab. What is my old friend Michael Irvin doing posing shirtless on the cover of the gay magazine "Out''? But at second glance, you get it: He's telling the tale of his late brother ...

And I'll tell you something: For 20 years, I've known Irvin pretty well. Covered him. Befriended him. Worked on projects with him. And I never knew this story ... and it's a helluva story.

DONUT 2: According to a Ric Bucher story, Dirk Nowitzki, Tyson Chandler, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Shawn Marion and Brian Cardinal used "cryogenic therapy'' to fortify them during the Mavs' playoff run.

Bucher writes:

For 2 1/2 minutes -- at a cost of $75 per person, billed to Mavs owner Mark Cuban -- blasts of nitrogen-chilled air emanated from the walls, quickly dropping the air temperature to as low as -320 degrees Fahrenheit. By the last 30 to 45 seconds, their bodies would be shaking uncontrollably.

"The first time Shawn did it, I thought he was going to jump out after 30 seconds," Terry says. "He was yelling, 'My nipples are about to fall off!'"

Whether physical or psychological, how much you wanna bet that next year, more than six Mavs volunteer to have their nipples fall off?

DONUT 3: My theory about Sex in Hollywood now touches - in a way I hope doesn't carry any veneral diseases -- the ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods.

Elin is dating a billionaire. And it figures; they travel in the same circles.

But the circle is ... in one way ... too tight.

In Hollywood, I joke, the circle is so tight that eventually, Justin Timberlake, Cameron Diaz, John Mayer and Paris Hilton will have slept with everyone in town. Eventually, the only way to avoid sloppy seconds will be for Timberlake and Mayer to seduce each other.

But Elin ... you, too?

Yup. Her billionaire of choice is Jamie Dingman. He used to live with Rachel Uchitel. Rachel's claim to fame: She was the No. 1 bimbo who took down Tiger. That's right: Elin is dating the manwhore who used to date the womanwhore who used to date the manwhore Tiger Woods while he was married to Elin.

DONUT 4: Hey, are you gearing up to get involved in the North Texas $100,000 Smile Giveaway? You might want to get on that by going to my family dentist ...! Please check out Dr. B and his staff. They've been friends and supporters all the way back to the Fish For Lunch days. And they truly are the best in the field of family dentistry.


DONUT 5: Mark Cuban will be back on ABC's "Shark Tank'' this year, which means one and one thing only to me: On Mavs game nights, Cuban's Twitter feed will confuse my brain, which will be searching for Mavs info and instead getting comments like, "Go for it, Sharon!''

DONUT 6: Nellie quote from the Minnesota paper:

"They have an opening and I don't have a job. I'm a lifer. I love basketball. I don't know how else to put it."

I'll believe it when I see it; last time I asked Donnie about Dad's possible return, Donnie said, "He's already coaching. He's coaching the Sea Turtle Races in Maui.''

But I understand the mutual interest: Nellie likes money and Mr.Taylor has it. The T'Wolves need to sell tickets and Nellie can do that. And it's a bad franchise and My Uncle Nellie can make it better.

DONUT 7: Have you checked out the Mavs Store? Which will it be? 'YES. WE. DID'? 'Take That Championship Wit Chew'? Or 'The UberMan'?

DONUT 8: Dallas is among the Worst Dressed Cities in America, says GQ? How did they know! I feel like they must have a hidden camera pointed at me right now, as I type this while wearing Vikings boxer shorts and flip-flops.

But no. GQ has a specific Dallasite in mind:

23. Dallas

Forget J.R. Ewing. The 21st century Big D douchebag favors Fight Club frosted tips and whisked jeans over Stetsons and ostrich-skin boots. Regionally dubbed the "$30,000 Millionaire" for spending more than he makes, this breed of twenty-something male works as a Chipotle assistant manager by day and "Entourage" wannabe by night. Unlike his L.A. or New York counterparts, the Dallas $30Ker plies his trade in a cultural vacuum best known for putting a bullet in JFK's head and erecting a nine-story JumboTron at the Cowboys stadium. Frustrated but never self-aware, he wanders Dallas with maxed-out credit cards, toned biceps, and a nagging sense he somewhere took a wrong turn.

Suddenly, my Vikings boxers shorts are looking pretty stylish.

DONUT 9: Want MORE Mavs? Sign on up! It's about a dime-a-day for the very best in Mavs coverage from And yes, we keep it rolling all summer long ... You won't get 'em covered like you get 'em covered here! Go Mavs and Go Premium!

DONUT 10: Steve Nash says "I'd love to play overseas.

Wow! What a story! Wake me up when Steve Nash suits up in Turkey, OK?

DONUT 11: Jason Kidd's out in Lake Tahoe doing the celebrity golf and saying he wants to keep playing for maybe three more years.

To which I say -- AGAIN -- "I know.''


DONUT 12: Want to see the Mavs in action? Mavs Dancers in action will have to do.

Pop into The Mavs Store! The 'TAKE THAT CHAMPIONSHIP WIT CHEW!' shirt is hot!

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