Upper Deck: Are Mavs The Reason Texas Is Hot?

The unthinkable happened. The Mavs won the championship, starting our summer out with such a glow locally that the gleam off the Larry left us with one of the hottest summers on record. Every news media outlet has been publishing ways to stay cool despite the heat. But allow me to help ...

The "experts'' have come up with lots of helpful hints like, add ten thousand pounds of ice to your swimming pool, or move to Greenland. While both options might be effective, they have their shortcomings. For example, do you know how many times you have to empty your refrigerator's icemaker before you have ten thousand pounds of ice? Apparently, it is also difficult to get a moving truck to deliver your stuff to Greenland, plus I hear television reception there is terrible.

The problem, of course, is that the suggestions of the media are largely given by people who did not grow up in Texas and have not really grasped the fact that during July and August in Texas it is HOT. It is hot every year, and yet every year we get people who are surprised that it is hot.

Yes, this year it is hotter than most years, but not by much. The problem this year is not so much the heat, it has been the lack of measureable precipitation which makes it seem hotter because people have been spontaneously combusting which is really a problem in supermarket lines.

I have decided in my own helpful way to provide some suggestions on how to beat the heat.

Several years ago, I bought a pair of sunglasses that were reported to have been worn by Steve McQueen. Every time it gets really hot, I wear those sunglasses because they make me look cool, and looking cool is the most important part of being cool.

I have even heard people remark, "Look at that nerd, doesn't he have cool sunglasses?"

My next suggestion to help you be cooler during the long hot summer: use mental imagery to imagine yourself in a cooler place, like maybe the Sahara, or Hell. There is a reason why William T. Sherman said, "If I had a choice of living in Texas or Hell, I would rather live in Hell and rent out Texas!"

If you lack imagination, or otherwise struggle in coming up with cool images, there is a YouTube video of a penguin slapping another penguin into the ice; it may help you think cool.

You can also sing Christmas carols; not only will this fool your psyche into thinking it is actually cooler than it really is, you may get an all-expense-paid stay at a local mental health facility, and they are air-conditioned.


You could also do what I do, put on all your Mavericks gear, including your authentic DallasBasketball.com t-shirt from the DB.com Store! , your Mavericks World Championship cap, your Mavericks Number 1 Foam Finger, and your Mavericks swimsuit, fill your bathtub full of water, sit in your bathtub sipping on lemonade, and have your wife dump ten thousand pounds of ice in the water.

And remember, if you are too hot to think positive, I will think positive for you: Iam positive summer is not over yet, and basketball season still looks like it is a long way away.

Pop into The Mavs DB.com Store! Now available: The 'YES. WE. DID.' shirt is hot. We mean, cool'!

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