Feds must oversee pro sports

When Sammy Sosa's corked bat split apart on Tuesday night, my whole life changed. That was the pivotal point when I decided I was going to do something about cheating in pro sports. I'm just disgusted. No longer will I take cheating sitting down.

Consequently, I've been standing for nearly 43 hours and right now there is massive pain in my legs. I think it's a blood clot, but I play with pain. In fact, I do whatever it takes to go out there and compete, sacrificing my body as if I'm Johnny Knoxville.

It's that perseverance, that complete and utter disregard for my physical well-being, that has enabled me to create a plan that the American people ought to listen to if we're to fix the things that really matter to us: sports entertainment.

Everything else … well, frankly who give a crap? I mean, really, who cares about dumb things such as civil liberties?

I want to make sure Sammy Sosa never hits another ball with a corked bat. I want to make sure sports with salary caps have teams that follow the rules. I want to make sure tiny loopholes, including the one that allowed the Redskins to sign Jets returner Chad Morton, are closed – though surely the Bills would want to make sure that anything having to do with Morton exiting the AFC East stays open. I want to make sure pro sports organizations never tamper with people under contract to other teams.

I want to make sure steroids stay away from our games, even though abusers know perfectly well that their big payoff is likely to be an inoperable, grapefruit-sized tumor and raisin-sized testicles.

Most important, I want to make sure all pro sports equipment meets a very rigorous set of federal regulations that congress can debate forever, and people can talk about on "The O'Reilly Factor."

Finally NHL goalies would never again wear equipment 147 times larger than the actual net, which would result in a scoring increase even more explosive and dramatic than the spread of SARS. The other benefit would be that the economically troubled NHL would save money because teams could actually fit the goalie equipment on their charter instead of shipping it on those gigantic cargo ships.

Amazingly, this is one thing that soccer has right. That sport features huge goals with goalies who wear little equipment. Unfortunately, the ball is too big, so I propose soccer teams play with hockey pucks.

When President Bush signs my legislation, I want to see Tom Ridge and the Department of Homeland Security oversee pro sports. I propose that the federal airport screeners, when they're finished for the day, pop over to the local stadium to x-ray some bats and balls, ensuring that they meet the federal guidelines. I propose that they administer drug tests to every team member before each game, and if the player unions don't like it, tough noogies. We'll just fire all the players because there are plenty of people who would love to replace them.

I propose a Homeland Security Advisory System color chart for pro sports, not unlike the chart that already warns us when to be on heightened alert for terrorists. Incidentally, today is a yellow day, and I shouldn't have to explain what yellow means because all responsible Americans already know what yellow means.

I'm not quite sure how the pro sports Advisory System would operate, but it would have really cool colors like the Anaheim Mighty Ducks' uniforms, and every day would be silver and black because those are hardnosed, intimidating colors, and they would show the pro athletes that we're really tough and that we're cracking down on their funny business.

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