Competition is good for all

I applaud Tom Donahoe's belief that the best thing for a football team is competition. He's brought in a number of accomplished players and coaches this off-season, intent to make people prove themselves when training camp opens in July.



Of course, I keep waiting for Ron Wolf to arrive in Buffalo so Donahoe can challenge himself.

Yeah, right. Like I'm so sure that would happen.

Generally, I believe the best thing for anyone is competition. I know whenever Shout! brings in some young, hotshot-writer, the first thing I want to do is pump him full of bullets, stick him in the trunk and drop him off in a murky body of water wearing cement shoes. After that I shake his hand, go out there and make plays.

Competition brings out the best in all of us.

Eventually we should see a fierce competition between Travis Henry and Willis McGahee – an absolute battle to the death between two hardworking, mentally strong, enormously talented individuals. I'm so confident that Henry vs. McGahee would make such compelling television that I recently called ABC wondering if it would be interested in a new reality series, The Running Back.

And why not?

The TV ratings shouldn't be any lower than the Stanley Cup playoffs, which just beat out the Flowbee Precision Home Haircut System infomercial by a hair.

Hahahahahahahaha!

Anyway, because The Running Back would be a blatant Bachelor rip-off, we'll bring in Bachelor host Chris Harrison, whose greatest apparent job skill is telling everyone during the ultra dramatic rose ceremony, "This is the final rose of the evening," as if he's the only person in America who can count to one.

Harrison: "This is the final rose of the evening."

[Writer's note: Like, uh, duh!?!?!?!?!?]

The camera cuts to Donahoe, holding a single rose in his hand – because Chris Harrison told us so. Then there's a close-up. Donahoe displays that ever-confident, slightly Mona Lisa, Tom Donahoe-smirk on his face that says, "I am totally the man, and everyone knows it, despite the fact that my bio never appears in the Bills media guide, and it never appeared in the Steelers media guide, which is really a little ploy to convey a humbleness to the public, when in fact, dude, I am like so totally … THE … MAN! Somebody pass the Courvoisier!"

The camera cuts to close-ups of Henry and McGahee. They're cocky. They have swagger. They're not at all nervous like those wimpy chicks on The Bachelor. They know they can work for someone else if they don't get the rose.

Donahoe begins to speak unemotionally and with purpose, distributing sentences in a slow monotone and valuing each word and breath as if they profoundly affect the Bills' salary cap: "We've always said that the best thing for our football team is competition. And true to our philosophy, that's what we have here. We didn't go into this process with any preconceived notion as to how it might turn out. We observed. We studied. We prepared. Our scouts and coaches work very hard in examining players and determining how they might contribute and fit into our team's chemistry.

"We feel Travis is already an excellent NFL running back. We feel Willis is going to be an excellent NFL running back. But at the same time, we firmly believe that competition makes a player stronger and better. So I've invited all the living running backs in the Pro Football Hall of Fame to training camp this year. I just think that's the right thing to do. I firmly believe that. Now I know I have only one rose here, but Chris, I think I'm going to need about a dozen more."

Harrison: "This is the final rose of the evening."

Donahoe: "Yes, I know, but I just told you what my plan is."

Harrison: "This is the final rose of the evening."

Donahoe: "Did you hear me? I have a new plan."

Harrison: "This is the final rose of the …

You get the idea. The scene goes on ad infinitum in some Matrix-like dimension, which isn't good because Donahoe then wouldn't be able to run the Bills.

So maybe we should just scrap the whole stupid reality show. That could ruin everything … unless of course Ron Wolf is ready and waiting.


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