Moreover, Mr. Owens, let me be the first to welcome you to our fair city.
We hope you don't mind the noise-canceling microphone and speaker system that we have installed in your helmet. Since others on the field of play will have some difficulty hearing you while wearing this device, we recommend that you simply keep quiet and save your voice. Also, we must ask that you please wear the helmet in all circumstances where it's appropriate, such as on the sideline, in the locker room, near television cameras, or, really, anytime you find yourself breathing air.
You will be happy to learn that your job as a football player will be much, much easier here. Unlike your past teams, we have a bona fide running game here in Denver, so you can expect far less quintuple coverage from opposing teams.
There is just one downside - you will be very open, very often, and you won't get the ball. See, most of the time we just have Plummer run around for a while and dump the ball to a fullback or, maybe, a lumbering tight end. That's just, as they say, how we roll. Our other receivers have learned to cope with the boredom by taking on hobbies, such as blocking, knitting, and dropping long passes.
We know that you've had a history of dropping third down passes, but don't worry -- you've found a home here in Denver. We have what we call the Ashley Lelie Indulgence: As long as you run decent routes, you can drop everything thrown your way for a couple of years, and no one will mind.
You will be reporting to our receivers coach, Steve Watson, a man who also wore the number 81 for the Broncos. Please know that you two will be living together next summer and that we do plan on filming a reality show about the experience.
Yes, we do have cheerleaders here in Denver. And, while they might not have all the "features" as, say, the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, your soon-to-be-friend-and-target-of-your-tirades, Jake Plummer, will be happy to secure a date with one of them for you. All you have to do is ask. Trust me: That guy loves nothing more than talking about cheerleaders.
(By the way, just to warn you: Jake Plummer is not Brett Favre. We should get that out there now, lest there be any confusion on who you'll playing with.)
Based on recent events, we must strongly recommend that you leave that agent of yours at home. He just won't fit in in this town. Better yet, you might want to leave Mr. Rosenhaus in the Florida Everglades, bound, gagged, and floating in between a giant python and a hungry alligator. Just a suggestion.
If you don't know, John Lynch recently made the move here and the community quickly embraced him. If I were you, I would follow John's lead and volunteer for local charitable organizations. John, for example, is the spokesman for Colorado Quitline, a counseling service for people who want to quit smoking. You might consider an affiliation with some place like Colorado Fitline, a counseling service for people who want to quit throwing fits on television while doing fitness drills in their driveway.
Finally, as you know, you are a very large man, Mr. Owens. So, for that reason (and that reason alone), we must ask you to please avoid any temptation to ride and/or otherwise molest our horse, Thunder, as part of your end zone celebrations. We can, if you'd like, wrap the goalposts in latex so you can defile them to your heart's content. But please, leave the horse alone.
That's it! I hope you enjoy your stay here in the Mile High city.
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