WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN (Home of Pre-Emptive ACL Surgery)
Lighten up while you still can; Don't even try to understand; Just find a
place to make your stand; And take it easy
- The Eagles
People with so-called morals, or is it ethics, might not understand when I suggest that Reggie Bush replace his anterior cruciate ligaments with suspension bridge cables. But football fans are with me, right?
It is time to eliminate the ACL from sports.
The ACL ruins careers and it ruins lives, and it has caused more than one guy to attend an AA meeting wearing a Joe Namath jersey.
Last week while Carson Palmer writhed in agony, I thought of the sad tale of Gale Sayers and then I panicked at the possibility of missing a decade of Reggie Bush on my TV and decided that maybe the ends can justify the means.
It's like this: I am sick of potential superstars and their crutches. I say the ACL (scientific name: Agony Causing Ligament) must go the way of the 8-track tape. We can build a better knee, and we can mandate pre-emptive surgery.
Well, I can't.
So I don't mean "we" by the classic definition, but someone can and just like "we" landed on the moon we can solve this and all other problems too - so will you?
With a monkey and a dartboard as guidance, I went three for four last week and in the game I got wrong, I almost got the score right in the wrong way. I told you that Tom Brady would throw three touchdowns, and he did, and that Eli Manning would be exposed as the inaccurate brother, and he was.
This week, I've used a super computer and plugged in obscure statistics, like how many times Bill Belichick mumbles on Tuesday mornings. What? It's what Vegas does. --
REDSKINS AT SEAHAWKS – Last week, while gaining a pathetic 120 yards of offense, the Redskins used the oldest defensive strategy in the book: relying on the dropped pass. This week, Shaun Alexander ought to be able to top 120 yards himself and it probably won't matter if the Seahawks miss a pass. And it won't matter if Clinton Portis dresses up as Dale Earnhardt; Joe Gibbs is not celebrating this one with his pit crew. Seahawks 30, Redskins 16
PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – When the Patriots playoff streak does end, it's going to be in a tough game like this in which most people expect them to win. They won't lose a game people expect them to lose. That's why everything tells me to pick the Broncos. Everything, except, well, Tom Brady in the playoffs is impossible to pick against. I can't imagine he won't lose a playoff game throughout his entire career. Such a thing is impossible. Isn't it? Patriots 27, Broncos 24
STEELERS AT COLTS – The Steelers have been bullying teams around for a few weeks now, acting like Mike Tyson walking into a bum-of-the-month fight early in his career. And by the way they've played, they've had every right. But the Colts in a dome are not a tomato can. I expect the Steelers offense will be able to solve the crowd noise problem. That's all they will solve. By the end, the tomato can is called Buster Douglas and Mike Tyson is looking for his mouthpiece. Colts 42, Steelers 20
PANTHERS AT BEARS – Hey, did you know there's a team in the playoffs with a guy named Rex Grossman quarterbacking them? I never heard of him either. I think he played in, like, one Pop Warner game back in 1992. He must have had a hell of a game. And though the Bears have a legitimate Monsters-of-the-Midway defense and it is difficult to pick against them at home, I'm going with the Super Bowl quarterback over the Pop Warner quarterback. The Panthers are for real. Panthers 23, Bears 10
BYE AT BROWNS – The greatest team in football chooses not to participate in the playoffs this year for political reasons. That's right, it's a boycott.
Every game this weekend is a rematch of the regular season so I guess it's like watching the Supreme Court hearings – the same crap over and over again. Yes, the real world has it's own playoffs too and those really count.
Here's my two cents worth on that: It would help ratings and democracy is if those hearings involved some tackling and a post pattern or two. And now you know what happens when you are told to put your two cents in and you only have a penny.
This column is sponsored by The Bode Miller Ski School Bar & Grill Public Relations Department.