Scene: Broncos Dove Valley Headquarters. Owens walks in the front door, with superagent Drew Rosenhaus in tow, wearing camouflage pants, shirt and Colorado Rockies baseball cap. Rosenhaus wears a blue polo with a blue suit. Mike Shanahan greets them in the lobby, wearing his typical Broncos gear.
Mike Shanahan: Hi Terrell. Nice to see you again. Welcome to Denver. Why don't you follow me back to my office so we can talk a little.
Drew Rosenhaus: My client wants nothing but the best for himself and his family. Let's hammer out a deal in the lobby and then we can go to the press room and announce to the world that the greatest receiver of all time that isn't named Rice is going to be signing with the Denver Broncos. You ready to deal coach? ‘Cause I have 12 other teams on the line that are ready to deal.
Shanahan, ignoring Rosenhaus completely: Yeeeeeah… why don't Terrell and I go back to my office. You can go talk to yourself in the press room Drew. Have a cup of coffee—
Rosenhaus: Is it caffeinated? Cause I only drink caffeinated. All the time, too. It's like I have an iron stomach. People are always asking me how I do it, but I just—
Shanahan: We've got caffeinated… and decaf… decaf would be good for you. Anyway, the press room is right over there. Go ahead. (Rosenhaus exits)
Terrell Owens, to Shanahan: It's nice to be here, Coach. I really think I'm going to enjoy Denver. I love the Mountains. I love John Denver. I'm going to grow my beard out as a show of solidarity with my new quarterback.
Shanahan: That's… great, Terrell. Nice to know that you're excited at the possibility. But I wouldn't start growing that beard just yet. Let's talk for a little bit. What the hell happened in Philadelphia?
Owens: Well, they didn't respect me. I'm a great receiver, and I went over 1,000 catches and they didn't shoot off fireworks and put my name in lights and dedicate a statue to me in front of the stadium. I mean, how is TO supposed to feel? What did they think TO's reaction would be?
Shanahan: In all fairness, Terrell, you weren't there for the majority of those catches…
Owens: I know that, coach, I know that. But TO didn't get the respect that TO deserved. That made TO mad. Then Donovan was trying to kill TO, leading me too far over the middle and hoping that someone would jump up and kill TO, and that ain't cool. TO don't wanna die, dawg.
Shanahan: Right. Okay, so moving on. You also had some trouble in San Francisco. What happened there?
Owens: TO was dealin' with too much stress, G. Garcia was trying to hook up with me all the time, and Mariucci was trying to sell me out, and the fans hated my sweet style, and Sharpie wanted me to be a spokesman, and it just got to be too much for TO. TO needs to put TO first, man.
Shanahan: Uh huh. Okay. Well, in Denver, you're not going to be the big dog. We have a team full of veterans that are very self sufficient. You would have to be ready to take a smaller role in the locker room, and even on the offense. Rod Smith is one of the leaders on this team, as is Champ Bailey and John Lynch. How do you feel about playing nice with all of those big names?
Owens: Ain't no bigger name than TO, baby! But I be cool… Rod Smith is one of TO's heroes, and John Lynch hit me so hard once I couldn't talk for a full five minutes. As for Champ, he and I be cool. I'd love havin' that guy on my team so I don't have to go against him.
Shanahan: Great! What about yelling at me on the sidelines? You're not going to pull that are you? Because I'm not Andy Reid. I have a pulse on game day, and I will yell back, and I will not hesitate to bench you if you get out of line with anyone. Understood?
Owens: Yeah, that's cool coach. TO has learned a lot this year. TO knows now that you can't mess around with coach. TO understands that you're the boss and TO is the employee. As long as TO gets his catches, TO cool.
Shanahan: Well that's fine. We wouldn't bring you in if we didn't think you would be an asset to the team. We've been talking about you coming here since we played Pittsburgh in the AFC Championship. You would have helped us a lot there. We like you, Terrell. We want you to have a home here.
Owens: That's cool. TO likes it here. I'm gonna go hang out with Jake tonight. Gonna hit the town. He knows this cool club called the Granola Ranch that he says is outta site. We're gonna roll down there and do some dancin', some hangin'. I can't wait. Hey coach, has anyone checked on Drew? He can get in trouble if he's in a media room for too long.
Shanahan: I was just thinking that, Terrell. Let's go find out what's going on with him.
(The two of them walk through the halls, Player and Coach, talking about plays for next season. From about fifty yards away, they hear the indisputable sounds of Drew Rosenhaus, yelling "Next question!" and "He doesn't have to answer that!" and "They're keeping him from doing his job! He wants to play!" Immediately, they start running towards the media room, where they see Rosenhaus, at the podium, holding court with none other than TheRealMoose, Dove Valley janitor, who is egging him on with absurd questions. Rosenhaus looks flustered and exhausted, and Moose keeps lobbing questions his way.)
Rosenhaus, seeing Shanahan and Owens walking in: Thank God you guys are here. The media in this town is tough! This character with the broom is asking unnecessary questions. TO won't sign here. Not as long as Drew Rosenhaus is TO's agent.
Owens: Well, Drew…
Rosenhaus: No. No! NO! You can't do this to me! I'm Drew Rosenhaus! The character of Bob Sugar in Jerry Maguire was loosely based on me! I'm the Super Agent! The Shark! Don't do this!
Owens: Yeah, I'd rather have the Moose as my agent. See you later.
(Owens, Shanahan and TheRealMoose shake hands)
TheRealMoose: I'll walk this joker out. Come on, Bob Sugar.
Sam DeWitt is a sports writer living in Denver with his dog, Bailey. He spends his time commuting between his home, his favorite coffee shop in Lowry, and gigs with his band. He can be reached via email at BUMoose@gmail.com or on his Scout.com handle, TheRealMoose.