Why I Drink: Reasons 0046-0063

Do you want to know why I drink? I'll tell you why I drink.

You want to know why I drink?

I'll tell you why I drink.

Repeatedly.

REASON 0046: Because Chansi Stuckey didn’t get out of bounds.

REASON 0047: Because somewhere between an airport in Cleveland and an airport in Los Angeles, I heard the 1970’s novelty song “Convoy” and I can’t. Get. It. Out. Of. My. Brain.

REASON 0048: Because Schadenfreude sounds like it should taste absolutely delicious, but it rarely does.

REASON 0049: Because there is a huge, unfathomably large distance between 4-5 and 3-6.

REASON 0050: Because we didn’t play for a tie, but I know the media would be screaming in angry hindsight if we did. The same way some are screaming because we didn't.

REASON 0051: Because I know Randy Moss will make a ton of money no matter how many times he shows absolutely no respect for the game or his employers.

REASON 0052: Because absolutely no one will acknowledge that my being left-handed is a Superpower. I'm... Reversed-Brain Man.

REASON 0053: Because it took winning two games against terrific teams to remind myself why I fell in love with the Browns.

REASON 0054: Because somehow the Nike corporation will manage to protect their product in Miami. And because that's all he is.

REASON 0055: Because Mark Sanchez spent most of last Sunday channeling a mid-to-late 1980s version of John Elway, and I shouldn't reasonably have to go through that again.

REASON 0056: “We got ourselves a convoy, oh aint she a beautiful sight? we got ourselves a convoy, oh yadda blah blah bla. Cooooonnnnnvvvvoooooyyyy!” FLAMING MELONS OF HATE. DIE. DIE. DIE. DIE.

REASON 0057: Because every Superman has a kryptonite. Peyton Hillis' is holding onto the ball.

REASON 0058: Because the dark cloud of doom that follows me around for 48 hours after a Browns loss seems thicker today than it has been for a while.

REASON 0059: Because the Chandra Observatory has discovered a 30-year-old black hole that can consume entire planets and solar systems. I'm far older than that, and can consume, at most, a dozen donuts at a sitting.

REASON 0060: Josh Cribbs, Sheldon Brown, and Scott Fujita

REASON 0061: Because a little part of me is happy that local and national mediatroids who were angling to gravy-train a Browns playoff run can go back into hiding, where they've mostly been since 1995.

REASON 0062: Because I can’t force myself to not care, and that’s what media types are supposed to do.

REASON 0063: Because it feels sort of like 1985 in Browns Nation again and that might be something worth celebrating.

I don’t only drink to ease the pain, you know.


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