Tales from a Dorkbook

Unadulterated homerism and nerdiness, delivered live weekly!

As in the manner of NFL pre-game shows, I am dressed in a nice but-not-too-flashy suit and am prepared to say innocuous things while displaying faux joviality. Big-time sportscasting stardom awaits!


  • 4:19 PM: I want to punch something. An edition of "Why I Drink" will invariably come out of this. See you next week. JAGUARS 24, BROWNS 20. Final.
  • 4:00 PM: The Jaguars are having one of those kind of years where you know that they're not really all that good, but are finding ways to win games, often thanks to mistakes by opponents. Reminds me of the Browns in 1994. Gone in the first round of the playoffs, FWIW.
  • 3:50 PM: Colt McCoy takes his third sack, thanks to problems on the right side of the line and issues with his receivers. The third sack gives Dawson a 41-yard field goal, which he nails. BROWNS 20, JAGUARS 17, 2:46 left.
  • 3:44 PM: And there we go! McCoy waves Moore to run downfield as he scrambles. Moore does and McCoy hits him for 34 yards. Beautiful.
  • 3:41 PM: Garrard hits Lewis on a fourteen yard TD pass on third down. Other than long passes early in the season, dealing with tight ends has been a consistent problem for the Browns defense. Ventrone was completely owned on that play by Lewis. The Jags TE has five catches for 66 yards and a TD.
  • 3:35 PM: There are few truisms more proven than "Turnovers win ballgames". The Browns offense has managed to disprove that today. After giving the ball back on three-and-outs throughout the second half, the Browns defense now looks tired and is getting gashed by Jones-Drew. First and goal for the Jags. Browns are still up by seven, but the game momentum has swung entirely back to Jacksonville. An offensive drive-out-of-nowhere like last week's final drive against the Jets is badly needed. An unexpected.
  • 3:31 PM: Ahtyba Rubin sacks Garrard with 8:24 left, just clarifying what a tremendous asset he has become to the Browns. He has matured into a key component of the Browns defense. NT is such an important position in the 3-4, and the Browns owe Phil Savage some "thanks" for spotting Rubin.
  • 3:27 PM: Joe Haden gets to Mike Thomas and knocks away a long pass from Garrard near the end zone. I don't know if there is any excuse for not starting Haden after today.
  • 3:24 PM: Browns are again failing to do much with great field position provided by the Browns defense thanks to their fourth interception of the day. While people are already criticizing the play calling, a larger issue in my opinion is the lack of separation by our receivers, combined with leakage on the offensive line limiting McCoy's time. I don't have an explanation yet for why the TEs have disappeared. I'll ask Doug Farrar if he can clear up why that happened in this week's Xs and Os piece.
  • 3:16 PM: Browns recover another fumble as we head to the fourth, but McCoy is having real trouble finding receivers downfield. The Jags are getting good pressure on McCoy, but a larger issue is that the tight ends have been neutralized, and Robiskie is invisible. McCoy simply can't find targets downfield. The receiver corps must be addressed in the off-season. Mitchell is also invisible today, and Demetrius Williams is stuck on the bench, inactive.
  • 3:09 PM: Browns push their lead out to 17-10 thanks to a Dawson field goal after the turnover. Browns TEs have also be neutralized so far.
  • 3:06 PM: In other news, I understand the reason why the Browns basically gave away Jerome Harrison, but it would be really nice to be able to put him in there to mix things up. The Jaguars are keying on Hillis and not respecting the long pass. The Browns offense has been stymied for a here.
  • 3:04 PM: A McCoy pass on third and eleven gets tipped around and Don Carey grabs it. On relay, it looks like the ball clearly hits the ground and should be ruled incomplete.
  • 3:03 PM: The Browns secondary does it again! Joe Haden picks the sleep-inducing Garrard offense again. He gets the ball tomahawked out of there, but Gocong saves the day with a heads-up fumble recovery. Browns have the ball in the Jags red zone and need to score a TD here.
  • 2:58 PM: Very nice to see the Browns secondary stepping up with Wright and Adams gone. TJ Ward picks off a Garrard pass and gives the Browns great field position at mid-field, but the offense is unable to do anything with it. McCoy's ankle seems OK, but he does absorb a sack on third down. Six minutes left in the third quarter, and it's anyone's game.
  • 2:51 PM: Jacksonville goes for it on fourth down and a yard on their own 37. Jones-Drew squeaks through for a first down. Jack Del Rio is the living embodiment of Alec Baldwin's Glengarry speech on that one.
  • 2:48 PM: After a punt and a play, Maurice Jones-Drew fumbles. Abe Elam picks it up and runs it in for a touchdown. While everyone is standing around saying "WTF?", the officials fail to blow a whistle. Replays reveal that Jones-Drew was down, but landed on a Browns player so wasn't really down when he fumbled. That's an amazing and weird play that goes our way. Which makes it fantastic.
  • 2:41 PM: Peyton Hillis just got 11 yards on a screen pass, but the highlight is his high hurdle jump over a defender. Amazing. The follow up pass to MoMass is behind him and he can't come down with it. Massaquoi has been targeted a lot today. Robiskie has been invisible again, other than being called for a penalty.
  • 2:35 PM: Jags start off on offense, moving slowly and deliberately, as always. The coffee cannot match them. So sleeping. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT THEY HAD THIS POWER? Fortunately, Abe Elam knocks away a Garrard pass and then Benard sacks Garrard to make things interesting. Saved! Jags go three and out.
  • 2:26 PM: I'm still recovering from Jaguar-related dullness effects a few minutes into halftime. I'm going to have to switch to coffee. The Jags "Strip Mall Offense" induces narcoleptic seizures or something. The second-quarter afternoon Jags coma.
  • 2:14 PM: The Jaguars have managed to slow this game to a crawl between time outs and the two minute warning. They're at the nine and clearly trying to lull the Browns, and observers everywhere, into a deep sleep. It's working.
  • 1:58 PM: Abe Elam's Comeback Tour continues as he picks off a pass at the Browns 20. The Browns can't do anything with the turnover, though, as Tyson Alalu sacks McCoy. Jags ball at their 32 after a nice punt.
  • 1:57 PM: Jags can now start at their own 41. Browns winning 7-3 with 8 minutes left in the first half.
  • 1:53 PM: Hillis runs for 30 yards after catching a seven-yard pass. After the play, Hillis is removed to get a breather, at which point Cleveland marches nine yards backwards in the next two plays. Hillis returns, but the Browns can't make up the deficit. Dawson's 51-yarder is about as close as you can get, but is no good.
  • 1:46 PM: A huge play for Jacksonville (10 yard pass, 15 yard penalty on Haden tacked on) goes for naught as the Jags can't convert on third down. Browns get the ball back quickly. Perfect.
  • 1:39 PM: Browns come out firing as the second quarter begins. A scramble by McCoy and passes to Moore and MoMass get them to the 10. Then McCoy gets out of major trouble and dances out of sack, flips the ball to Hillis who rumbles to the end zone. TOUCHDOWN BROWNS!! BROWNS 7, JAGUARS 3, 13:11 left in the second. Wow!
  • 1:34 PM: First quarter ends with the Browns at the Jax 44 and facing a 2nd and 21 (sack and penalty). JAGUARS 3, BROWNS 0.
  • 1:29 PM: Peyton Hillis comes through to deliver a third straight first down for the Browns. If you're a Jags defender and haven't taken a straight arm to your face from Hillis, you haven't been playing hard enough.
  • 1:27 PM: Browns get two straight first downs, but on the subsequent first down, Robert Royal lets one go off his fingers. It's like a 2009 flashback.
  • 1:25 PM: Browns have targeted MoMass several times early on, and make a connection for eight yards. One of the earliest MoMass sightings this season. Now, if we see Brian Robiskie at some point in the first half, I'm ready to declare a New Era in Browns football.
  • 1:23 PM: What a difference Hillis makes. Pinned at the eight, the Browns just give him the ball three times to bang on people and get a first down. That'll do. I like it.
  • 1:21 PM: Does the Warrior Way look awesome or stupid? There is such a thin line between the two, to paraphrase a great thinker of our recent past.
  • 1:20 PM: With Adams and Cribbs out, the Browns special teams are not looking strong early on. They failed to contain Mike Thomas on the first punt return, and a penalty on the usually-reliable Blake Costanzo pins them deep on the second kickoff.
  • 1:16 PM: Jaguars look strong on offense. They start by picking on Eric Wright and getting Jones-Drew in space. They move the ball to the Browns 29 and kick a field goal. JAGUARS 3, BROWNS 0.
  • 1:10 PM: Browns first drive is uninspiring, as is Colt McCoy throwing short on a long pass. It serves its purpose, though, in helping to stretch the field as despite nearly being picked off.
  • 1:03 PM: I know Josh Cribbs. I've seen Josh Cribbs play. Clifton Smith, you are no Josh Cribbs.
  • 1:00 PM: Oh no! Browns lost the toss. I was right! We're doomed. Doooooomed. But don't worry, I'll eat my way through the tension like I always do. Nom nom nom. Food eaten while nervous doesn't add to your wait because it's burned off by nervous energy, right?
  • 12:55 PM: By the way, the little mugs on the left hand side indicate that you're supposed to take a drink whenever I post one of these. That will get you really wasted, and then you're supposed to fall on another kid so we can watch while the media turns it into a "Browns fans all suck" storyline. It's been done before, sure, but never gets old.
  • 12:53 PM: Three Fox analysts in the pre-game pick the Browns. We're doomed. Doomed, I tell ya. DOOMED!
  • 12:49 PM: Why am I nervous? Garrard is tough if he gets into a groove and Jones-Drew can pop out of nowhere like Greg Pruitt used to do, but with more power. All of a sudden, this flying cannonball appears from behind his lineman. He's better than we've seen the last two weeks. Cribbs removes an important weapon and Mike Adams is a valuable piece on defense and specials. Nervous, nervous, nervous, worry, worry.
  • 12:43 PM: I'm going to put my most recent rants at the top, just to mess with y'all.
  • 12: 35 PM: Nervous, nervous, nervous. Tense, tense, tense.
  • 12: 30 PM: The world is shocked as Colt McCoy is named the Browns starter. Jack Del Rio furiously shuffles his playbook. Defcon 5 in Jacksonville. We're gonna win for sure now.

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