Demands of a Browns Fan

"Anonymous Season Ticket Holder" unleashes frustrations expressed by few, shared by many.

The evening after the Cleveland Browns lost to the Houston Texans 30-12 on Nov. 6, comedian Mike Polk filmed his now famous rant. By now, you've seen the video of Polk, donning a Ryan Pontbriand jersey, unleashing his inner-most frustrations toward the southern façade of Cleveland Browns Stadium.

Polk's video went viral because he was not alone on his views. Two days after Polk filmed the video another Browns fan took to his computer.

Full disclosure, I know this Browns fan, who would like to be referred to as "Anonymous Season Ticket Holder." He showed me his email rant the Wednesday before the Browns played host to the St. Louis Rams. After reading his rant, my first thought was, "I need to share this with the audience at The OBR."

Why? Just like the Polk video, I'm sure most other Browns fans can relate to this rant.

Here we go. "Anonymous Season Ticket Holder's" email is in bold text.

From Anonymous Season Ticket Holder

Date: November 8, 2011

To: (Undisclosed)

Subject: My list of demands

I need help, this team is driving me crazy. This is day two of my freak out.

MY DEMANDS:

I'll give this team one more year before I become the dad who would rather watch his kid's soccer game or have family time on a Sunday.

OK, good sir you have my attention. Opting to watch youth soccer over the NFL? This is serious. We cannot allow this to become a trend. America's proud tradition of continuing to ignore soccer is at stake.

1. Hire a real offensive coordinator - real means someone who has coached a team that wins - not last year's Rams.

Wait. Weren't the Rams were in the hunt to win a conference title last season? Oh, yeah, it was the NFC West and they did finish 7-9. He's got a point.

1b. Be entertaining. Go for it on fourth and 1 sometimes. Run the Wildcat. Blitz like crazy. Score points. Just be FUN to watch.

Apparently, he isn't a fan of hand offs to tight ends or the refined skill that is kicking field goals.

To fans a small part of it is actually being fun - I would rather watch a 37-34 loss than 6-3, especially in a season we all know going anywhere.

Again, kicking a field goal is an impressive achievement. The Browns do that well … uh, for the most part. Phil Dawson's last two kicks notwithstanding.

2. Do not spend another top-three draft pick on a defensive line player in the next four years. I don't care if he is butt baby of Lawrence Taylor and Donkey Kong Suh's mother. If you pick another one in the first round I become a Steelers fan. Second round, Detroit. Third round, I follow our lord and savior Timothy H. Tebow wherever he goes.

Fourth round – When does L.A. get its team? Season tickets at the 50-yard line seats next to Jack Nicholson come with complimentary cocaine and professional women of leisure.

3. Patch it up with Hillis.

Seriously - order up the most Cleveland player you ever dreamt of:

Gerard Warren?

•Beast (check)

Courtney Brown?

•Honkey Hillbilly (check)

Kelly Holcomb?

•Punisher to the extreme (check)

Percy Ellsworth?

Sigh, you're right. It's Peyton Hillis.

That guy should never be allowed to play anywhere else. My brother, a 30-year-old (straight) man has a Hillis Fathead in his apartment. And it's awesome. I'm jealous. He even offered it up for my man room. (He probably wasn't serious, or maybe the out-of-his-league girlfriend said something.

Let's be honest, if it weren't for the out-of-our-league women in our lives, Fathead would be the most successful company in the world. The walls in our houses would be covered with those things.

I can't even take it now. I was sure he was THE DUDE. The guy we could all buy jerseys of. Instead we give new contracts to Chris Cocong, Evan Moore and the popcorn vendor.

The guy is Cleveland. Just work it out.

In related news, Hillis has been ruled out of Sunday's game, the sun rises and the sky is blue.

3b. If you guys can't work it out then I DEMAND a jaw-dropping running back. I'm talking Adrian Peterson style. I want a skill player where I buy their jersey and wear it for eight years. I want a guy who runs people over, hurdles them, breaks their will and then pops a blood vessel when he rams his 245-pound frame into the end zone. I want Peyton Hillis circa 2010. I'm getting aroused just thinking about it. This is Cleveland, Shifty McWimp backs don't stir our loins. I need a brick s*** house. If you gotta dump the rhino, then I need a beast.

To be fair, Shify McWimp was a solid back in college at Sisters of the Poor.

******Mid-demand rant: As a side note Cleveland Clowns bosses - this is the thrust of problem - I hate our team, the players and the scheme. 90 percent of them suck.

Here's who we actually like our team - Hillis, Joe Thomas, Josh Cribbs (why, I don't know), D'Quell Jackson, Ahtyba Rubin and T.J. Ward. Oh and Philly Dawson. That's it, everyone else is somewhere between "who cares" and bottom rung at their position. You know how many players on Pittsburgh or Baltimore get me juiced just day dreaming about them in Brown and Orange? You draft Phil Taylor – Baltimore drafts Haloti Ngata. We get Brian Robiske – Pittsburgh drafts Mike Wallace.

Browns get Kaluka Maiava – Bengals draft Rey Maulauga. We can play this sad, sad game all day long.

If you are going to suck then at least go down swinging. And don't you dare tell me you don't suck, because this team blows. We are a bottom-five team in the league and probably the least fun to follow. OK back to my demands

4. Fire that Maynard punter guy. He sucks.

He is better than Scott Player, but can't run the ball nearly as well as Reggie Hodges.

5. If you have to have "smarter-than-you draft picks" then just go offensive line... all day... until you have like 10 studs. McCoy (or whatever bum you eventually ram down our throats at quarterback) is going to get killed out there.

Currently, getting those grass stains out of McCoy's jersey is a 60-hour-a week job.

6. Either get the ball to Cribbs or admit he is a joke. Wildcat or an admission. Either way try not to rub it in that me and my friends are losers for rooting for a team where Josh Cribbs is their most exciting player. Cribbs actually makes plays and has been for some time. God, I feel pathetic even admitting that. I feel like such a loser. Name ONE TEAM that is more pathetic than that.

McWimp's Sisters of the Poor team is pretty pathetic.

7. Don't ever field a team again that considers Mohamed Massaquoi any more than a No. 3.

So what about teams that consider Darrin Chiaverini a No. 1?

a. No more than one guy should have a "stationary" component as part of his route during any one play. We just all run hitches... It's a joke.

True. It does seem the 31 other NFL teams run slant routes for positive yardage all game long. The Browns? Nope.

b. Play your best package of guys on every play. I'll give you a hint – Little, MoMass, Cribbs (in that order).

Owen Marecic has soft hands. Why the hate?

c. Get rid of Robiskie, oh wait you already did that. Good, re-sign him just so you can fire him again.

But he was an early second-round pick? Epic fail.

d. Get me a beast.

e. Get me a beast.

f. Get me a beast.

g. Get me a beast.

The Browns do have Peyton Hillis. Oh, wait…

h. Don't ever fire a beast just because he was a pain in the a** in locker room. YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT LUXURY. WE ARE NOT THE PATRIOTS. WE ARE NOT THE PACKERS. Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards are both gone. Good teams can fire them. You are not good. No sir, YOU SUCK. I don't care if he punches Bernie Kosar's grandmother. If he can score 10-plus touchdowns a year, then he stays.

i. Learn how to actually run a screen.

8. If you can't get me these demands within 365 days — an additional 365 may be added for good behavior — please have the courtesy to mail me a MegaTron Jersey, because I'm going Detroit Rock City if this s** stays pathetic.

If it one thing Detroit knows, it is wide receivers.

I will not raise my son this way. He will not grow up to be like me. He has a chance. We are three hours (give or take) from five NFL teams, expand that to six hours and it's like three to four more. My friend works the sideline for the Lions, they have Stafford and Suh and Beastly Calvin... Even Eric FREAKING Wright is better off in Detroit. Why shouldn't I go with them?????

To borrow a line from Polk, "We're not Detroit!"

9. Why am not rooting for the Lions? We SELL PONTBRIAND jerseys. A long snapper. We had a giant poster of a kick returner.

Go Lions (I'm just seeing how that feels)

Like more disappointment from a professional football team?

10. Give me the last hour of my life back.

No can do. See you Sunday.


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