What's Gonna Happen

<I>Home of Dispatches from the East Side of Cleveland</I><BR><BR>Over the past several weeks, Browns fans across the planet have become familiar with the gift of prescience bequeathed to one Brian Tarcy. His delightful stories of the near future have brightened the eyes of children around the world, from Mayfield Heights to the mountains of Macaw, and have helped return hope to millions around the globe, or something.

In Boston, just to mess with me, someone dropped the space-time continuum on my big toe.

Currently in this East Side suburb of Cleveland, folks are complaining that Manny Ramirez doesn't try all the time and that Bill Belichick cut a star player with links to recent glory. There are reports of a Dennis Kucinich sighting. If the Charles River catches on fire, will someone please call my Mommy and tell her I need my teddy bear?

How Boston became Cleveland isn't exactly clear but the fact that Boston has spent its civic career trying to be New York and yet ended up as Cleveland is, from this Cleveland native's point of view, at least funny. I don't understand the meaning of a big word like "ironic", or I would use it.

You wouldn't understand unless you lived here and if you live here you can't possibly understand because you live here. Only I am aware of this big truth and in this, I am much like Fox Cable News: I've got a soapbox so I can't be bothered to acknowledge anybody else's opinion.

Thus, endowed with the belief that Kelly Holcomb, as Cleveland's answer to Boston, is about to live the Tom Brady story, I offer week 1:

JETS AT REDSKINS - Laverneus Coles makes a point to say, "Yo" to Vinny Testaverde just before game time. That "Yo" is somehow translated in Vinny's brain to "Hey, please throw me the ball to us in the third quarter." Vinny, as always, is happy to throw to players wearing the wrong colors. Redskins 20, Jets 17.

RAVENS AT STEELERS - A Satanic festival, to be sure. Bodies missing for decades from the Bermuda triangle appear in Heinz Field. The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil" played backward at half speed turns out to contain the voice of Myron Cope. David Modell eats a human heart at halftime; Ray Lewis provides it. Ravens 21, Steelers 10.

PATRIOTS AT BILLS - Drew Bledsoe throws for 400 yards yet the Patriots defense looks great. I can't make this stuff up. Patriots 24, Bills 13.

BRONCOS AT BENGALS - Until proven otherwise, Marvin Lewis is a line from that Who song, "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss." Broncos 31, Bengals 13.

CARDINALS AT LIONS - Emmitt Smith scores two touchdowns. Joey Harrington throws for three. And no one cares. Lions 21, Cardinals 14.

JAGUARS AT PANTHERS - Is it too early in the season to ask why they are bothering to play this game? Panthers 23, Jaguars 17.

>COLTS AT BROWNS - A version of poetic justice has Tim Couch entering the game and then outplaying the guy who beat him out as well as the guy who was drafted #1 before him. Unfortunately my knowledge of poetry revolves around the word "Nantucket". And anyone who saw Art Modell win a Super Bowl knows that there is no justice. This all means that despite Peyton Manning's four touchdown passes, the Browns will win. William Green scores two, and Kelly Holcomb throws for three. Browns 40, Colts 34.

VIKINGS AT PACKERS - Brett Favre realizes four minutes into the game that he forgot to tell every famous reporter in America that he is thinking of retiring this year so he loses focus on second down and four. At that moment, the Packers' season begins to unfold. Meanwhile, Daunte Culpepper acts like a fantasy football league player's fantasy. Vikings 31, Packers 10.

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS - When the first name of the best running back in the league is Priest, everybody's got a joke. I'm praying one comes to me. Chiefs 21, Chargers 14.

RAMS AT GIANTS - This is the game of the week, the game of the season, the game of the century, maybe the greatest game in the history of football. Okay, this is a game, one game, this week. And the Rams will win. Rams 21, Giants 13.

FALCONS AT COWBOYS - The highlight of this contest is the halftime Sumo wrestling exhibition between Dan Reeves and Bill Parcells. Parcells and the Cowboys win. Cowboys 34, Falcons 10.

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS - Jim Haslett explodes into a million tiny swear words that must be pieced together using DNA and scotch tape. Seahawks 32, Saints 10.

TEXANS AT DOLPHINS - For a day, Brian Griese channels Bob Griese and Ricky Williams channels Larry Csonka and the Houston Texans channel last year's Houston Texans. Dolphins 42, Texans 10.

BEARS AT 49ERS - Kordell Stewart has one of his "good Kordell" days - sure to confuse Bears' fans, who really should know better. Bears 36, 49ers 26.

RAIDERS AT TITANS - As Rich Gannon yells, "Hike!" Barret Robbins waves down a beer vendor then brags to some chick in the stands that he played in the Super Bowl last year. Titans 34, Raiders 3.

BUCCANEERS AT EAGLES - The Eagles have spent every waking moment of the off season thinking about this rematch game. The Buccaneers spent every waking moment of the off season thinking about - not the Eagles! They've been in different moods, these teams. Eagles 31, Buccaneers 10.

The words "third-down receiver" as well as "pumpernickel" have been cut from this column in order to get to the roster limit.

This column is sponsored by the don't-be-THAT-guy guy

Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, Massachusetts and makes his living, among many ways, as a book collaborator. If you hate your boss, love your boss, or want to be a better boss, read Tarcy's The Adventure of Leadership with Hap Klopp, the man who started The North Face.

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