What's Gonna Happen

The reviews continue to pour in for Brian Tarcy's "What's Gonna Happen" feature for BerniesInsiders.com! They mostly involve various uncomplimentary adjectives and vague threats of violence, so we won't quote them here. Since we simply don't learn our lessons, here we go again...

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
Home of the Wallet Enhancement Pill

The hardest part of this job, as you must imagine, is dealing with the groupies.

Last Friday morning, for instance, after I successfully picked the Redskins to win by 3 on Thursday night, an insane dumb woman with a gambling problem (exactly my type) offered to do the hokey pokey with me if I would give her insight into the Texans/Dolphins game. I told her to bet the farm on the Dolphins and then...

I put my left foot in. She smiled. I took my left foot out. We cheered. I put my left foot in and.

The Texans beat the Dolphins.

Thus, I still don't know if the hokey pokey is actually what it's all about.

REDSKINS AT FALCONS - When Steve Spurrier gave Daniel Snyder a game ball for buying him all those players from the Jets, I decided to cast my vote in Week 1 for CASH for player of the week. Cash and Daniel Snyder - both are inanimate objects, no? Redskins 21, Falcons 12.

LIONS AT PACKERS - On this day, these two teams going in different directions cross paths. Joey Harrington teaches Brett Favre a thing or two about being surrounded by talent. Arrogant cheeseheads explode with disappointment in the third quarter. It's sad to watch an era end. Lions 31, Packers 0.

BILLS AT JAGUARS - It never ever gets better for Buffalo than it was last week. That was their Super Bowl. The Bills play this one like they think it's the Pro Bowl. Jaguars 27, Bills 10.

TEXANS AT SAINTS - I always look for a bandwagon because I am shallow. For now, I am on the Texans' bandwagon, so that shows you exactly how shallow I am. Texans 24, Saints 21.

BROWNS AT RAVENS - Riding the hot hand, Butch Davis plays Ben Taylor and Andra Davis both ways and both score offensive and defensive touchdowns. When the Ravens try the same thing by putting Ray Lewis on offense, he is immediately penalized for illegal intentions. Back on defense, Lewis meets a William Green stiff arm and crumbles like Mike Tyson in Japan - another bully put in his place. Browns 42, Ravens 6.

TITANS AT COLTS - Early in the season in a big game, go with Peyton Manning. Later in the season when it actually means something, go with Steve McNair. Colts 26, Titans 20.

STEELERS AT CHIEFS - When Joey Porter comes back, the Steelers could be a real pain the in butt. Meanwhile, playing in Kansas City has always caused teams such pain. Chiefs 31, Steelers 20.

DOLPHINS AT JETS - This game is brought to you by Prozac. Dolphins 21, Jets 20.

49ERS AT RAMS - Mike Martz puts Christopher Reeve in at quarterback. He blames the media when it doesn't work. 49ers 23, Rams 10.

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS - Jake Delhomme finds out how fast you can go from living a dream to living a nightmare. Buccaneers 24, Panthers negative 4.

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS - Anquan Boldin catches 472 passes in the first half for approximately 10,000 yards, but the Seahawks defense is just too much for the Cardinals. Seahawks 30, Cardinals 20.

BENGALS AT RAIDERS - Like those players who thank a divine being for their success, I thank a force greater than I for the existence of the Cincinnati Bengals. Raiders 42, Bengals 13.

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS - Long ago, as a Steeler hater, I used to love Bubby Brister. As a Bronco hater, I feel the same way about Jake Plummer. Chargers 16, Broncos 12.

PATRIOTS AT EAGLES - An obscure poem by Robert Frost begins, "When two angry teams meet." Or maybe that was an Aerosmith song from their drug years. Patriots 24, Eagles 17.

BEARS AT VIKINGS - Last week, the Bears gave up 49 points to the 49ers. This week, trying to keep to the same theme, the Bears spend the game conferring how to give an actual Viking to the Vikings. A plan to kidnap Martina Navratilova is squashed by Brian Urlacher. Vikings 49, Bears 0.

COWBOYS AT GIANTS - The game is delayed for a half an hour because Bill Parcells stops at the Vince Lombardi Rest area to drink coffee and reminisce. While there, he runs into a fat guy in a "Shockey" jersey. Insulting the fan worse than if he were a member of the Boston media, Parcells suddenly stops in mid-sentence and finishes with, "So there!" Giants 32, Cowboys 20.


I look for signs of hope everywhere. Last week, ESPN gave us Michael Irvin in a purple suit engaged in a serious conversation with Rush Limbaugh.

Football - it really is common ground.

And I contend that if the NFL put a team in Baghdad, it would solve a lot of problems. Give that city one good quarterback controversy and that's all those people will be talking about.
 

This column is sponsored by money bet on Maurice Clarett to win the Heisman Trophy


Brian Tarcy collaborated with Hap Klopp on The Adventure of Leadership , a book The Boston Globe called "fun to read and irreverent." Klopp is the founder of The North Face, maker of quality outdoor gear.


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