Say it Grandma: "Today I will run through an NFL defense on my walker."
Even you, Travis Prentice, can have a great day playing on an NFL field just by asking.
And you sleeping in your crib - as soon as you learn to walk and talk - just guarantee a 100-yard day and it is yours.
In the fantasy camp apparently held by the Cleveland Browns' defense, players
will do everything possible to make your dreams come true. Make a prediction and
watch it happen. After all, they are paid Big Money, so what do they care?
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS - Jon Gruden must be an absolute bug-eyed freak about now. (As an aside, the coolest kids in the world - mine - dared me to use their favorite saying - bug-eyed freak - in my column. All it took was one Tampa Bay ridiculous loss. Dad wins again!) Buccaneers 16, Falcons 13.
VIKINGS AT LIONS - Daunte Culpepper will be NFL MVP this year. In a few years, it will be Joey Harrington. This week it will be Harrington, because nobody likes arrogant Vikings except for women with a fetish problem. Those women are always bothering me. Lions 21, Vikings 14.
BYE AT BEARS - Players attend a motivational seminar called, "Get Ready For A Long Year."
JAGUARS AT COLTS - As the third quarter comes to a close, Byron Leftwich is brought in to rally the Jaguars from a 45-0 deficit. He throws 12 of 13 completions for 198 yards and zero touchdowns, showing he can score as many points as Mark Brunell. Colts 90, Jaguars 0.
SAINTS AT TITANS - The Titans were good in week one and bad in week two. The Saints were bad in week one and good in week two. If this game was a 6th grade math question about patterns the score would be: Titans 34, Saints 13.
BYE AT PANTHERS - The plan now is to ride a blocked-kick strategy all the way to the Super Bowl.
STEELERS AT BENGALS - The Bengals will not lose every game this year. I want them to beat the Steelers, and the Bengals usually do what I say. Of course, that's when I say they will lose, which is usually. Bengals 46, Steelers 17.
CHIEFS AT TEXANS - Before the game, David Carr gets sacked. Then, in the game, he gets sacked 9 times. At halftime, the Chiefs announce playoff tickets are on sale. Chiefs 50, Texans 2.
BYE AT COWBOYS - Bill Parcells celebrates liberation from losing by burning his bra.
JETS AT PATRIOTS - Word comes down that Patriots players hate Bill Belichick. Who knew that players on other teams were Browns' fans? Jets 17, Patriots 14.
PACKERS AT CARDINALS - Last week, the Packers proved that I am an idiot. This week, they prove that it wasn't up to them to show I am an idiot. I can do it all on my own. Cardinals 15, Packers 12.
BYE AT EAGLES - The Eagles get the wish of most every NFL team right now. They get to spend Sunday with the Eagles. They still lose.
RAVENS AT CHARGERS - Jamal Lewis runs for 5 yards, which still looks great on a two-week average. Chargers 23, Ravens 6.
GIANTS AT REDSKINS - This week, the squib kick works. Giants 23, Redskins 21.
BROWNS AT 49ERS - It is my shtick to predict the Cleveland Browns will win every game. I did it for Sportstalk.com during their expansion year without regret. I regret this pick. Browns 31, 49ers 21.
BILLS AT DOLPHINS - The Bills look like the best team in football. Obviously, that is why the Dolphins will win. Dolphins 27, Bills 10.
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS - Mike Shanahan says it's impossible for a visiting
team to win in Denver. I think it's one of his in-game lies. Raiders 36,
The optimist says the pressure to save this Cleveland Browns' football season is clearly on the shoulders of Butch Davis. The pessimist says the only person who can make this team better is Lebron James.
This column is sponsored by Hurricane Isabel's jealous younger brother, Cloud Joe.
Brian Tarcy collaborated with Hap Klopp on THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP; An Unorthodox Business Guide, a business book that Harvey Mackay, author of SWIM WITH THE SHARKS WITHOUT BEING EATEN ALIVE, called, "Inspiration at its best." Klopp is the founder of The North Face, maker of quality outdoor gear.