You cannot know the torture it is to have The Gift.
Every Monday morning, Tony Soprano shows up at my door and breaks both of my legs. That's a lot of torture.
That's a lot of legs. You do the math on how many doubles I have to employ. Saddam's doubles are in the minor leagues compared to the dangers faced by the "What's Gonna Happen" crew forced to live in my trailer park.
Thus, it is under threat that I now nervously explain last week's hieroglyphics when I predicted the score would be:
Browns 31, 49ers 21.
Savvy betters knew that by my use of the word "schtick" I meant to reverse the digits:
Browns 13, 49ers 12.
The rest of you should pay attention. Please.
EAGLES AT BILLS - Does anybody remember the much-hyped quarterback class of 1999, supposed to rival the 1983 group? Let this be a lesson kids, don't believe the hype. Donovan McNabb is another word for hype. Bills 32, Eagles 12.
BENGALS AT BROWNS - My blood pressure is measured in wins and losses. Last week, I was looking for a bridge to jump off of because of the Browns. This week, I am looking for a party. Browns 29, Bengals 20.
JAGUARS AT TEXANS - Every time the Texans win this year, they prove again that the Cleveland Browns as a modern-era NFL expansion team were an astonishing failure. Texans 24, Jaguars 18.
BYE AT DOLPHINS - Ricky Williams spends Sunday at Dave Wannstadt's house, fetching him 42 beers.
49ERS AT VIKINGS - The Browns caught up and beat the 49ers after Kelly Holcomb was hurt. The Vikings are smarter than that. They're bringing their quarterback into the game already hurt. Vikings 27, 49ers 13.
TITANS AT STEELERS - At a hillside Rent-A-Center, Jevon Kearse finds a time machine to go way back to four years ago when he was a rookie and actually a great football player. Who knew Appalachian capitalism was so cool? Titans 21, Steelers 7.
CARDINALS AT RAMS - I suggest you bet the farm, your wife and your goat on the Rams. My legs are not part of the wager. Rams 36, Cardinals 10.
BYE AT GIANTS - The Giants watch the Yankees, then both laugh at the Jets and Mets.
PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS - Patrick Ramsey seems to have a bit of Tom Brady in him. And the Patriots have a classified ad running in papers all over New England looking for players to replace their many injured stars. Redskins 26, Patriots 16.
CHIEFS AT RAVENS - Most people think this game will be decided by which running back will have the best game. I am exactly like most people. Chiefs 24, Ravens 9.
CHARGERS AT RAIDERS - Ineptitude versus senility is always a tough call. Chargers 13, Raiders 3.
BYE AT SEAHAWKS - Mike Holmgren holds a Look-at-my-Super-Bowl-ring party.
FALCONS AT PANTHERS - Mike Vick delivers a stirring speech about how he will lead once he is healthy and the Falcons win because of his words. For the first time in football history, words alone inspire a win. Prior to this, all the mythic stuff about coaching and inspiration that you have heard was nothing but garbage. Football is about blocking and tackling. But in this game, Mike Vick's words are the sole difference. I think it has to do with the way he says, "Try hard!" Falcons 13, Panthers 10.
LIONS AT BRONCOS - Before the game starts, the Broncos have a 14-0 lead. Broncos 43, Lions 17.
COWBOYS AT JETS - Bill Parcells wins twice in New York in less than a month, proving the devil watches the NFL. Cowboys 24, Jets 13.
BYE AT BUCCANEERS - Bounce, bounce, bounce. You provide your own nausea and dance lessons.
COLTS AT SAINTS - Again, the farm, the wife, the goat. Not my legs. Saints 22, Colts 11.
PACKERS AT BEARS - These division games between what could be brutally bad teams always mean a lot to fans, which says volumes about quality of life. Packers 23, Bears 20.
This is true. Last Friday on business I flew to San Diego with a plane full
of Ravens' fans. At one point, I was over Kansas with hours to go, so don't
tell me hell doesn't exist.
This column is sponsored by George W. Bush's May 1 speech declaring the end of major combat in Iraq.
Brian Tarcy collaborated with Hap Klopp on THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP; An Unorthodox Business Guide. The Rocky Mountain News said of the book, "Klopp is entertaining and readable, and he has something to say worth hearing." Klopp is the founder of The North Face, maker of quality outdoor gear.