What's Gonna Happen

One of our biggest concerns here at BerniesInsiders.com is that our loyal Browns fans might be crowded out by all the gamblers. Now that word is spreading about the unerring accuracy of Brian Tarcy's <I>What's Gonna Happen</I> columns, we're getting swamped by folks looking to get an edge... any edge. Yep. That's us. Swamped. OK. Enough of that - here's the truth, conveniently presented ahead of the actual events.

Home of the Half-Empty Glass

The good news is that it can't get any worse. The bad news is that it could get worse.

The Browns lost to the Bengals but the glass is half full and it looks like beer. Yes, it's beer. Gosh, now the glass is less than half full.

Still, depression doesn't suit me and you just don't look the type. I look much better in jeans and a Browns' T-shirt, as does everyone except for naked women. So heed the call, you must believe.

Someone wise once said, there are three sides to every story – mine, hers, and the truth. Right now, saying the Browns are good is sort of like saying it wasn't me – even though she knows it damn well was you. And if you follow that loop of logic and the Shaggy song reference, well then you are probably insane enough to think the Browns are going to win the rest of their games. I know I am.

As for the last game, and those other games when they looked like bad football team – well, it wasn't them.

So here, have a glass. There's some in it.

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – Who knew Gus Frerrotte was so good? Actually, throwing touchdown passes to a motivated and healthy Randy Moss may be the kind of job I'd be interested in. I've tried garbage man and I was kind of bored with the monotonous nausea. So sure, I'd try quarterback. But coach, when you guys get a bye week, can I take a Caribbean vacation with those cheerleaders? Vikings 33, Falcons 14.

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – Throwback uniforms for the Saints; yep the paper bags on the heads are back. The Aints are too. Jim Haslett, their coach, begins studying how to cook French Fries, er, Freedom Fries. The Panthers block two kicks. Panthers 13, Saints 0.

BYE AT RAMS – In spare moments, Mike Martz polishes his resume and Kurt Warner's wife sharpens her incisors after saying a prayer.

CARDINALS AT COWBOYSEmmitt Smith shows Bill Parcells a touchdown or two about homecomings. What comes around sometimes actually does go around, and Quincy Carter does his part to throw karma to the birds. Cardinals 21, Cowboys 12.

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – There is nothing funnier than a football team afraid to kick the ball to a little speedy guy except for a football team that gets burned by kicking the ball to the little speedy guy. Chiefs 36, Broncos 12

BYE AT RAVENSRay Lewis teaches O.J. Simpson how to do commercials. "You've got too nice of an image," says Lewis.

BENGALS AT BILLS – The Bengals get back under the ugly stick where they belong. Bills 34, Bengals 10.

RAIDERS AT BEARSBrian Urlacher upholds the tradition of a great linebacker on a horrible Bears team. Raiders 32, Bears 0.

SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS – Homecoming week continues when Mike Holmgren goes back to Green Bay to beat the Packers. Seahawks 24, Packers 11.

BYE AT TEXANS – Like Dom Capers, the entire city goes for a score just before bedtime. An earthquake is reported in Houston.

TITANS AT PATRIOTS – Boston is Boston in much the same way that Belichick is Belichick. He'll survive, probably easily because of that fat ring Bob Kraft flashes around, but Browns' fans will get to watch from afar as Mumbles the Clown rolls a losing, if injury-filled, season through Boston. If the Red Sox are eliminated early (not this year, expect a World Series spectacular failure – see Mets, 1986 et al), Billy's charisma will be on full display for the always-great Boston media. You want fun, this could be fun. Titans 26, Patriots 20.

DOLPHINS AT GIANTSMichael Strahan buys a tooth. Giants 23, Dolphins 16.

CHARGERS AT JAGUARS – LaDanian Tomlinson takes over at quarterback, David Boston becomes the running back and chief motivator and Drew Brees is the wide receiver – taking the concept of Big Three to the Slash level. Minds boggle. Chargers 22, Jaguars 10.

BYE AT JETS – The Jets are so bad right now that they actually fall to 0-4-1/2 this weekend. Look in the paper on Monday.

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – I take it all back about Donovan McNabb. He might not be that bad after all. And if he is that bad, I don't take it all back. As for Rush Limbaugh, he's only got a job because the media is very desirous for a stupid white guy to succeed. Eagles 17, Redskins 10.

LIONS AT 49ERS – Steve Marriuci is back in San Francisco for another homecoming, only he is mugged and left for dead by a gang of San Francisco's notorious homeless population – no wait, it was just Terrell Owens showing motivation. 49ers 31, Lions 20.

BROWNS AT STEELERSTim Couch and Kelly Holcomb start at guard for the Browns and William Green gains 296 yards because no one in the history of football wants good blocks thrown for any particular running back more than these two men want good blocks thrown for William Green. So who's going to play quarterback? That's top secret, lives would be endangered if I were to reveal it. I'm not going to tell you because I don't work for the White House. Browns 30, Steelers 15.

COLTS AT BUCCANEERS – The fat pogo dude prevails and yes, it's ugly. Peyton Manning throws one touchdown pass, and it's caught by Warren Sapp between bounces. Buccaneers 23, Colts 9. 

At the state fair in Texas this year, someone served fried Oreos, proving that every great idea can be improved upon. Those people who like fried foods may have never thought of frying Oreos. And those people who like Oreos may have never considered frying them. It really does seem like nirvana until you consider the possibility of topping fried Oreos with gravy, jimmies and extra cheese.

This column is sponsored by the Viagra substitute, spectacular breasts.

Brian Tarcy collaborated with Hap Klopp on THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP; An Unorthodox Business Guide. The San Francisco Examiner said that Klopp "calls for vision, creativity, inspired leadership and the faith that anything, absolutely anything is possible." Klopp is the founder of The North Face, maker of quality outdoor gear.

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