Halloween is over but I'm still wearing my Butch Davis mask and it's gotten uncomfortable.
Whereas, before this getup was much like that mask that Jim Carrey wore in the movie, coincidentally named Mask, giving me special powers, now instead I feel like a Saddam double. People are taking so many shots at me that I am beginning to think of taking shots at myself. But how could I do that?
I know! I'll bench my best wide receiver.
And maybe I'll prove, once and for all, that, just like my replacements for last year's linebackers, the guy I drafted is better.
Or maybe it won't work and I'll be looking to wear the mask of a moron columnist, critical of every little thing - such as losses.
BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – A pre-game agreement, much like the old Soviet/American arms control agreements has these two teams each agreeing to only play 10 players on defense. Panthers 7, Buccaneers 6.
TEXANS AT BENGALS – When two expansion teams meet, the one that will eventually play like a real team gets to win. Texans 17, Bengals 14.
BYE AT BRONCOS – On the golf course, when Mike Shanahan's opponent deliberately bogies, he becomes suspicious. Same thing later, at the pool hall.
BROWNS AT CHIEFS – The Browns have no chance or right to win this game. But when Kelly Holcomb throws for 485 yards and five touchdowns, all to Andre Davis, Don Shula will raise a toast. Browns 35, Chiefs 28.
FALCONS AT GIANTS – While in New York, the Falcons try to join a regional high school league but they are rejected because the old fat high school jocks in charge of the league don't think the Falcons are good enough. Giants 27, Falcons 14.
BYE AT PATRIOTS – The 7-2 Patriots, on the kind of roll that makes a champion, begin practicing in nuclear fallout because Bill Belichick thinks of everything.
CARDINALS AT STEELERS – Jeff Blake lofts a ball through a cloud and then it lands perfectly in Anquan Boldin's hands for a 97-yard touchdown, and as he does he tries to figure if he can get himself traded week to week so he plays all of his games against the Steelers. Cardinals 22, Steelers 13.
DOLPHINS AT TITANS – Dave Wannstedt gives a rousing pregame speech about mathematics and the history of the Amish and it inspires Ricky Williams to amass 177 yards without the use of a motor. Dolphins 20, Titans 18.
SEAHAWKS AT REDSKINS – As another Redskins' season spins out of control, Daniel Snyder begins to consider the actual existence of karma. But he reconsiders, and disembowels a puppy before firing his coach. Seahawks 27, Redskins 12.
BYE AT SAINTS – It's New Orleans, they are young and rich, and they've got a week off. What do YOU think they're doing? I think they are taking a quilting class.
VIKINGS AT CHARGERS – In the last second, Doug Flutie is brought in to throw a Hail Mary pass and it works. The plan next week is to use Flutie to throw that exact same pass for every offensive play of the game. That's right, the Hail Mary Offense is the next new thing. Vikings 49, Chargers 7.
BILLS AT COWBOYS – Drew Bledsoe throws the ball to Terry Glenn, who flips it to Bill Parcells and before you know it, there's been one of those schoolyard trades so that the old gang can have one last bit of fun. But in the end, as Drew Bledsoe knows all too well, Bill Parcells gets to win. Cowboys 26, Bills 25.
JETS AT RAIDERS – Let's see, the Jets against Rick Mirer and the Raiders. I hope the folks that do those blooper shows are filming this. Jets 22, Raiders 4.
RAVENS AT RAMS – Brian Billick and Mike Martz have a cat fight. Rams 25, Ravens 6.
EAGLES AT PACKERS – Lisa Guerrero, in a sombrero with a beanie propeller, finishes a sideline report with the words "and the Packers are really hoping to shoot a homerun because they have a power play." Not surprisingly, Favre goes long. Packers 24, Eagles DNP.
When I bought my brain from an illegal immigrant at Wal-Mart, I had no idea it leaked. Yet every day I have three random sports thoughts that I swear are not mine:
- After four games of this Cavaliers' season, I'm already wondering who the number one draft pick next year will be.
- The newest steroid scandal brings to mind an old SNL skit, The Doping Olympics. In this spirit, I am in favor of a new league to compete with the NFL – the SFL – the Steroid Football League. Whereas the capologist rules in the NFL, the chief pharmacist would be the most important position in the SFL.
- Don Mattingly in New York? Danny Ainge in Boston? Ozzie Guillen in Chicago? How about Ozzie Newsome in Cleveland?
This column is sponsored by Richard Nixon's secret plan to end the war.
If you want to get past hating your boss, or your job, read THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP, www.hapklopp.com An Unorthodox Business Guide, by Brian Tarcy and Hap Klopp. Best-selling business author Harvey MacKay called THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP "inspiration at its best."