Bill Parcells has me on speed dial because sometimes he gets confused about the different kinds of donuts.
Parcells knows all the donuts. You must be gullible to think that Bill Parcells doesn't know donuts. Bill calls me when he wants to know what play to call on third and five in the fourth quarter with 27 seconds left in the game.
So does Dick Vermeil.
Bill Belichick wanted to quit calling me because he said I have diminishing skills but I pointed out that I never had skills. So he calls too.
Butch Davis never calls me.
So, much like a famous version of Tim Couch, I am a self-centered loner in front of my TV, waiting for a call from the coach of my favorite football team.
I'd tell him to throw more to Kevin Johnson.
CARDINALS AT BROWNS – This is a trick game. It's a Browns' home game meaning their home-field disadvantage comes into play. But it's against the Cardinals, so they can't possibly lose. Just like when they couldn't lose to the Bengals. Browns 23, Cardinals 6.
TEXANS AT BILLS – The stadium is full of sculptors who see an opportunity to carve a quarterback statue by staring at Drew Bledsoe. Bills 23, Texans 20.
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – When Stephen Davis runs for 150 yards, Steve Spurrier turns to Oprah, who Daniel Snyder hired as a special assistant this week, and asks, "Why can't we get a runner like that?" Panthers 26, Redskins 10.
RAMS AT BEARS – Jim McMahon, in a lucid moment, declares he'd be a more colorful loser than the current group of Bears. Rams 37, Bears 13.
CHIEFS AT BENGALS – The tooth fairy told me to believe Chad Johnson. Bengals 28, Chiefs 21.
RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Smart football commentators say that Ricky Williams is tired. A smart bed salesman gets one put on the sidelines of the game. It works. Ricky gains 190, and Ray Lewis falls over and cries for his mommy. Dolphins 20, Ravens 13.
FALCONS AT SAINTS – Kurt Kittner is The Chosen One. Falcons 20, Saints 17.
GIANTS AT EAGLES – Thinking he is still in the Meadowlands with Giants' fans, Jim Fassell boos himself. Eagles 24, Giants 17.
JAGUARS AT TITANS – Kevin Johnson runs lazy patterns, refuses to block (he actually carries a picket sign into the secondary), and complains about the cheese on the after-game pizza. He is rumored to be responsible for the common cold. Titans 23, Jaguars 16.
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – The Chargers are winning at the beginning of the fourth quarter but then Doug Flutie's hearing aid and pacemaker start acting up. Broncos 25, Chargers 20.
JETS AT COLTS – This game has been cancelled because it really isn't fair. Colts 38, Jets 12.
VIKINGS AT RAIDERS – Rich Gannon now knows the answer to, What a difference a year makes? Vikings 34, Raiders 0.
LIONS AT SEAHAWKS – If you lose to the Redskins, like the Seahawks did last week, you have to beat the Lions or else you may as well be laughed at like those two teams. Seahawks 17, Lions 14.
PACKERS AT BUCCANEERS – Two 4-5 NFC powers meet for the throne of mediocrity. Packers 20, Buccaneers 17.
COWBOYS AT PATRIOTS – In the first quarter Bill Parcells throws a touchdown to Bill Parcells but then Bill Belichick runs for a touchdown and later Bill Belichick laterals to Bill Belichick for another touchdown, and at the end these two guys are pretty tired from playing every position on the field for every minute of the game. Belichick 27, Parcells 20.
STEELERS AT 49ERS – Tim Rattay sees the Steelers secondary in much the same way that a lawyer sees a car accident. 49ers 30, Steelers 10.
On November 7, in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Roger Brown wrote: "Some are put off by Johnson's lack of enthusiasm for blocking, which strikes them as pure selfishness…Still others have had their fill of Johnson's biting private comments, which often target teammates as well as coaches."
On November 12, Butch Davis said, "It's more important to have great chemistry. Coaches and players to do everything humanly possible. Guys need to know that that commitment is there by everybody."
Quincy Morgan said: "They gave KJ two years to correct what they wanted him to correct."
And Kelly Holcomb, according to this website, "noted that there are more things for a receiver to do than catch passes."
This proves that I am a Roger Brown fan.
This column is sponsored by Howard Dean, Don Quixote, and George Bush's Iraq strategy.
If you want to get past hating your boss, or your job, read THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP, www.hapklopp.com An Unorthodox Business Guide, by Brian Tarcy and Hap Klopp. Best-selling business author Harvey MacKay called THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP "inspiration at its best."s