I have been predicting football games since before baseball was invented, and every year, despite the bizarre nature of a game with a pointed ball, I had one thing I could count on. The Bengals always sucked.
To predict every non-Bengals' game, I must do Ph.D.-type analysis involving a supercomputer, two-and-a-half naked gypsy women, and a crystal ball tuned into ESPN. For particularly difficult games, I do a 1,986-minute "Bernie-Bernie" chanting session while contemplating the nutritional value of P.O.C beer. And for the Super Bowl, I use a set of fuzzy dice that once hung from the rear view mirror of a 1965 red Mustang, and a calculator that doesn't have a 7.
As you can see, I am a scientist. And as such, I had a theory that qualified me for one of those genius grants: the Bengals always suck.
The last time the Bengals were in first place, dinosaurs ruled the Earth. Back then, I was young. Now, I'm dead. I've been reincarnated, died a couple more times – came back, just as the Hindus predicted for me, as a moose – and now somehow the Bengals are in first place.
So much for science. I may as well just be guessing.
STEELERS AT BROWNS – Just before the game, Butch Davis picks a name out of a hat and cuts that player. Say goodbye to… Browns 44, Steelers 6.
SEAHAWKS AT RAVENS – The punch line is: Anthony Wright. Seahawks 12, Ravens 3.
COLTS AT BILLS – All those who still think Drew Bledsoe is a great quarterback please stand up. Okay, Drew you can sit back down. Colts 32, Bills 17.
PANTHERS AT COWBOYS – These two teams are the best in the NFC, which means you should lay money on the AFC to win the Super Bowl. Panther 7, Cowboys 6.
49ERS AT PACKERS – "I think we're the best 5-5 team out there," said 49er Kevan Barlow, just after kissing his sister. Packers 25, 49ers 23.
PATRIOTS AT TEXANS – Bill Belichick hands the game off to a battle of Dom Perignon. Therefore this week, the bottle coaching against Dom Capers gives us the Dom Bowl. Patriots 24, Texans 7.
LIONS AT VIKINGS – The Lions who have lost 21 in a row on the road, change their colors to wine and gold but it doesn't help in the NFL either. Vikings 27, Lions 10.
JAGUARS AT JETS – The Jaguars cut Kevin Johnson just before game time. Jaguars 44, Jets 6.
SAINTS AT EAGLES – A time machine is flown to the game, bringing each team back six weeks, so that they both stink. Eagles 10, Saints 7.
RAMS AT CARDINALS – The Rams are capable of scoring a million points. The Cardinals clearly are capable of giving up a million points. And I went to public school, so I've vaguely heard of arithmetic. Rams 2 million, Cardinals 1.
TITANS AT FALCONS – Proving again that powder blue is a really tough color… Titans 30, Falcons 3.
RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – The Raiders stay home because they have coupons to the THG store. Chiefs 36, Raiders 10.
BENGALS AT CHARGERS – At halftime, the Chargers change into Bengals uniforms because that's what the worst team in football is supposed to wear. Bengals 30, Chargers 7.
REDSKINS AT DOLPHINS – Dave Wannstedt knows if he was coaching in Washington, he wouldn't be. Dolphins 17, Redskins 14.
GIANTS AT BUCCANEERS – Every team in the league now looks to get rid of a receiver named Johnson. Buccaneers 44, Giants 6.
Last week, the Browns' won their biggest game in years, and they weren't wearing orange fabric. Brown jerseys, white pants equals victory. Doesn't anyone in the organization get this?. Orange fabric next to orange helmets gets you a chance to win the ugliest uniform contest.
This column is sponsored by famous California criminals.
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