What's Gonna Happen
(Home of Turkey Crime and Punishment)
I've been telling this turkey all year that gangsters bet millions of dollars, and kittens, on my predictions. I warned that if I was wrong, one of us was liable to pay a steep price. Now, finally, I think he understands what I meant when I spoke of Texas justice smothered in cranberry sauce and thick gravy.
And as I explained right before I escorted that turkey down the long green mile, the loss hurts me a lot more than it hurts him.
Nevertheless, as we all learned a few years ago, the loss of a game is still better than the loss of a team.
So today, as you uphold the great American tradition of arguing with your family over things that happened 17 years ago, please take at least a moment to give thanks for being a member of the greatest sports family in the world – Browns' fans.
And though, like all families, we can argue forever about things that are only of consequence to us – Couch or Holcomb, for instance – at least we have something to argue about. And isn't that the real meaning of the holidays?
PACKERS AT LIONS – You may be skeptical, but I really can see the future. During this game, someone in Wisconsin will take a bite of turkey, and someone in Michigan will get drunk and say something mean and stupid and follow it with, "You know I love you." Lions 20, Packers 13.
DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS – During this game, someone in Texas will take a bite of pumpkin pie. You gamblers out there can thank me later for these brilliant predictions. I will soon have a 1-900 number. Dolphins 16, Cowboys 9.
49ERS AT RAVENS – The Baltimore Ravens won a game last week by cheating. Are you surprised that this happened in a city that got its NFL team by stealing? 49ers 18, Ravens 15.
EAGLES AT PANTHERS – By the end of this, the Eagles will believe that the Panthers are the best team in the NFC. Panthers 26, Eagles, 10.
CARDINALS AT BEARS – In the parking lot, a Cardinals' fan from St. Louis, named Jim, curses at his wife about something he imagined. At the exact same moment, further up the parking lot, a Bears' fan named Sue curses at her husband about something she imagined. Two years later, both divorced, Jim will marry Sue and they will foolishly for a brief moment imagine that marriage is a good idea. But then one day at dinner Sue brings up the day that the score was: Bears 32, Cardinals 0.
FALCONS AT TEXANS – This game is being shown to terror suspects in order to make them talk. Texans 26, Falcons 2.
PATRIOTS AT COLTS – Finally, you get to find out who knows more about football – the rest of the world or me? The rest of the world thinks that Peyton Manning is the best quarterback playing right now. I think Tom Brady is. Patriots 30, Colts 20
BILLS AT GIANTS – All the contents of William Green's house couldn't make this game interesting. Bills 21, Giants 6.
BENGALS AT STEELERS – When the Bengals stunk, they could still beat the Steelers. So that means… Steelers 19, Bengals 17.
SAINTS AT REDSKINS – Maybe this is the game that Daniel Snyder appoints himself head coach and starting quarterback. Saints 28, Redskins 21.
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – When Clinton Portis has 1,057 rushing yards by halftime, the Raiders are forced to ride Rick Mirer's arm, proving that - like Tommy Maddox and Vinnie Testaverde and probably Tim Couch - sometimes you have to wait a decade or so for a first round quarterback to develop. Broncos 42, Raiders 38.
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – The Chiefs don't have a very good defense but it's good enough to stop the Chargers at least a few times. And even if they can't, Marty Schottenheimer will figure a reason to slow his offense. Chiefs 40, Chargers 27.
BROWNS AT SEAHAWKS – On a key fourth and goal from the 1-inch line, Butch Davis calls for the Statue of Liberty play. "It almost worked," he explains later with a straight face. Browns 24, Seahawks 20.
BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – It's going to be fun to watch TV analyst Keyshawn Johnson explain week after week why he thinks the Buccaneers suddenly went on a long winning streak. Buccaneers 20, Jaguars 10.
TITANS AT JETS – Unpredictable things often happen on Monday Night Football. Any Jets' win is certainly unpredictable. Thus, I am predicting: Jets 19, Titans 16.
I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl and I believe in Santa Claus.
But just in case it ever becomes apparent that it's time to raise the wait-till-next year banner for this year's Browns' team, here's what I would do if I were in charge of the team. (Carmen Policy is always asking, he's such a pain!)
I would draft offensive linemen in every round in the draft.
And then I would find a way to get Kurt Warner to Cleveland.
Happy Thanksgiving. Peace.
This column is sponsored by hip-hop stars who wear Pilgrim clothes.
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