What's Gonna Happen: Thanksgiving Edition

Turkeys, like Steeler fans, are exceptionally ugly and stupid creatures. Unlike Steeler fans, however, they serve a useful purpose in that they are quite edible and taste particularly good with stuffing. Brian Tarcy knows this, and can also see the future. He sees these mindless creatures (turkeys, not Steeler fans) playing an important role in near-term events. More vital information awaits within....

What's Gonna Happen
(Home of Turkey Crime and Punishment)

Last week, my pet turkey told me the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

I've been telling this turkey all year that gangsters bet millions of dollars, and kittens, on my predictions. I warned that if I was wrong, one of us was liable to pay a steep price. Now, finally, I think he understands what I meant when I spoke of Texas justice smothered in cranberry sauce and thick gravy.

And as I explained right before I escorted that turkey down the long green mile, the loss hurts me a lot more than it hurts him.

Nevertheless, as we all learned a few years ago, the loss of a game is still better than the loss of a team.

So today, as you uphold the great American tradition of arguing with your family over things that happened 17 years ago, please take at least a moment to give thanks for being a member of the greatest sports family in the world – Browns' fans.

And though, like all families, we can argue forever about things that are only of consequence to us – Couch or Holcomb, for instance – at least we have something to argue about. And isn't that the real meaning of the holidays?

PACKERS AT LIONS – You may be skeptical, but I really can see the future. During this game, someone in Wisconsin will take a bite of turkey, and someone in Michigan will get drunk and say something mean and stupid and follow it with, "You know I love you." Lions 20, Packers 13.

DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS – During this game, someone in Texas will take a bite of pumpkin pie. You gamblers out there can thank me later for these brilliant predictions. I will soon have a 1-900 number. Dolphins 16, Cowboys 9.

49ERS AT RAVENS – The Baltimore Ravens won a game last week by cheating. Are you surprised that this happened in a city that got its NFL team by stealing? 49ers 18, Ravens 15.

EAGLES AT PANTHERS – By the end of this, the Eagles will believe that the Panthers are the best team in the NFC. Panthers 26, Eagles, 10.

CARDINALS AT BEARS – In the parking lot, a Cardinals' fan from St. Louis, named Jim, curses at his wife about something he imagined. At the exact same moment, further up the parking lot, a Bears' fan named Sue curses at her husband about something she imagined. Two years later, both divorced, Jim will marry Sue and they will foolishly for a brief moment imagine that marriage is a good idea. But then one day at dinner Sue brings up the day that the score was:  Bears 32, Cardinals 0.

FALCONS AT TEXANS – This game is being shown to terror suspects in order to make them talk. Texans 26, Falcons 2.

PATRIOTS AT COLTS – Finally, you get to find out who knows more about football – the rest of the world or me? The rest of the world thinks that Peyton Manning is the best quarterback playing right now. I think Tom Brady is. Patriots 30, Colts 20

BILLS AT GIANTS – All the contents of William Green's house couldn't make this game interesting. Bills 21, Giants 6.

BENGALS AT STEELERS – When the Bengals stunk, they could still beat the Steelers. So that means… Steelers 19, Bengals 17.

VIKINGS AT RAMSMike Martz just gave Marc Bulger a vote of confidence, which means Kurt Warner may be playing by the second half. Vikings 28, Rams 22.

SAINTS AT REDSKINS – Maybe this is the game that Daniel Snyder appoints himself head coach and starting quarterback. Saints 28, Redskins 21.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – When Clinton Portis has 1,057 rushing yards by halftime, the Raiders are forced to ride Rick Mirer's arm, proving that - like Tommy Maddox and Vinnie Testaverde and probably Tim Couch - sometimes you have to wait a decade or so for a first round quarterback to develop. Broncos 42, Raiders 38.

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – The Chiefs don't have a very good defense but it's good enough to stop the Chargers at least a few times. And even if they can't, Marty Schottenheimer will figure a reason to slow his offense. Chiefs 40, Chargers 27.

BROWNS AT SEAHAWKS – On a key fourth and goal from the 1-inch line, Butch Davis calls for the Statue of Liberty play. "It almost worked," he explains later with a straight face. Browns 24, Seahawks 20.

BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – It's going to be fun to watch TV analyst Keyshawn Johnson explain week after week why he thinks the Buccaneers suddenly went on a long winning streak. Buccaneers 20, Jaguars 10.

TITANS AT JETS – Unpredictable things often happen on Monday Night Football. Any Jets' win is certainly unpredictable. Thus, I am predicting: Jets 19, Titans 16.

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl and I believe in Santa Claus.

But just in case it ever becomes apparent that it's time to raise the wait-till-next year banner for this year's Browns' team, here's what I would do if I were in charge of the team. (Carmen Policy is always asking, he's such a pain!)

I would draft offensive linemen in every round in the draft.

And then I would find a way to get Kurt Warner to Cleveland.

Happy Thanksgiving. Peace.

This column is sponsored by hip-hop stars who wear Pilgrim clothes.

Did you wake up this morning and realize that you hate your job. Do something about it. Read THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP, An Unorthodox Business Guide, by Hap Klopp & Brian Tarcy. The Rocky Mountain News said, "Reading THE ADVENTURE OF LEADERSHIP, one gets the sense that Hap Klopp walks the walk … Klopp is entertaining and readable and he has something to say worth hearing."

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