What's Gonna Happen: Week 14

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
(Home of Prozac and Bourbon)

So Lawrence Taylor, William Green and Butch Davis walk into a bar and one of them is talking crazy stuff. Can I say this, as a lifelong Browns' fan – Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

Five years into an expansion program, this team has:

  • no offensive line
  • no quarterback
  • no tight end
  • a running back with an actual knife in his back
  • no identity – none, zero (maybe saddest of all)
  • a 4-8 record
  • orange pants

This week, Butch Davis said, "You can win a Super Bowl with some of these guys."

As my guru – Otis the hippie bass player – pointed out to me, you can win a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.

I want to know where are the superstars to carry "some of these guys" to the Lombardi trophy?

But even if Butch Davis is right about the talent level of some areas on the team, it's a tough sell to make it sound like these are the good old days.

And he blames the record on injuries? Puhleeze!!

I live in New England. You should see what a coach like Bill Belichick does when his team has injuries.

Why can't the Browns get a coach like that?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!

SEAHAWKS AT VIKINGS – The Seahawks realize that playing the Browns last week was just like playing the old Bengals and the season goes on against competition that has better talent than "some of these guys." Seahawks 23, Vikings 20.

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Expansion-logic torture continues for Cleveland Browns fans as the Houston Texans fight their way towards a .500 record. Texans 22, Jaguars 14.

BEARS AT PACKERS – Losing to the Lions on Thanksgiving is what every team does, and now the Packers must rebound against their blood rival. One of their guys is named Brett Favre, so it's a done deal. Packers 29, Bears 13.

CHARGERS AT LIONS – Steve Mariucci motivated his players by saying, "Someday as we move forward we are going to be on Monday Night Football or in playoff games." It's good to dream the big dream. Why bother to mention such a thing as the Super Bowl? Lions 20, Chargers 10.

BENGALS AT RAVENS – This battle for first place in the AFC North was brought to you by the Depression Institute of Northeast Ohio. Bengals 20, Ravens 10.

COLTS AT TITANS – After Peyton Manning loses a huge game, as he did against New England, he can come back to win a game that means a little bit less, because that's the kind of quarterback he's always been. Colts 30, Titans 23.

RAIDERS AT STEELERS – Wait a minute! I thought the Steelers dumbest team in America. Oh yeah, it's Steelers' fans that are the dumbest in America. Steelers 17, Raiders 13.

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Andy Reid is so happy after winning the "I'm a fatter coach than you" bet against Bill Parcells that he doesn't realize it was a ploy by Parcells to get the Eagles to have a letdown. Once the Cowboys win, Bill Parcells goes the fridge and eats the fat he had vacuumed from his body in order to lose the bet and win the game. Cowboys 27, Eagles 17.

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Daniel Snyder tries to get Wellington Mara to fire Jim Fassell at halftime so that he can fire Steve Spurrier, hire Fassell and then fire him too before the game is over. Giants 30, Redskins 7.

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – The lesson of last year's Super Bowl champion is that a year is not enough time to party after you win the ultimate prize. I feel their pain. Saints 30, Buccaneers 13.

CARDINALS AT 49ERS – The Arizona Cardinals have been kicked out of the National Football League for failure to field an actual team. 49ers 11, Cardinals 0.

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTSWillie McGinest last week recovered from a clock-stopping leg injury to make a goal line tackle and then immediately high-step dash like Deion Sanders to the 50-yard line. This week, McGinest begins his spokesman's career for Uncle Joe's Snakeoil, which cures all ills as soon as Uncle Joe drives out of town – or the official calls timeout. Patriots 24, Dolphins 21.

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Once an undefeated team has been defeated, they are easier to defeat. Broncos 32, Chiefs 27.

JETS AT BILLS – The Jets are the best team in football now that they've reached the point where they can't possibly be the best team in football. Jets 37, Bills 14.

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – The first place Panthers are so glad to thank Michael Vick for missing most of the season while his Falcons fell to last place that they act like they owe him something. Falcons 26, Panthers 10.

RAMS AT BROWNS – Finally, the Browns' strategy has to be simplified to fashion – if they wear the classic brown jerseys and white pants, they have a chance to win. But if they put their orange helmets up against orange jerseys or orange pants, they will learn the meaning of the sentence, "You can win the Super Bowl with some of these guys" because it will be followed with, "guys like Marshall Faulk." Okay, somehow, maybe because Lee Suggs runs for 3 touchdowns: Browns 28, Rams 24.

Last week, Boomer Esiason feigned shock because of the things Lawrence Taylor said on 60 minutes. Yet I don't remember Boomer playing for the Raiders.

This column is sponsored by that one really pretty girl.


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