Surprisingly, the hole-dweller recently discovered in Iraq wasn't a distraught member of the Baghdad Browns' Backers Club but an actual mass-murdering dictator who probably cheered for the Steelers.
That is the official Pentagon explanation for the lack of cheerleaders near the world's most famous hole in the ground. It was a shock because everyone knows that smart, sexy women dig the unwashed-crazy-cornered-rat, I-live-in-a-hole-with-a-suitcase-full-of-$100-bills-and-Mars-bars' look.
As you have surely guessed by now, the picture of Saddam Hussein when he emerged from his hole is similar to what I look like after almost every Browns' loss. I didn't move underground the until the 13th quarterback switch – I think it was during the second quarter of the first game.
I spend most of my time in the fetal position watching Sportscenter in the den, also known as the hallway, kitchen, and bedroom. Yes, I've got cable.
Though I don't have a nice suitcase full of cash, I have a legitimate reason to live in a hole in the ground. I have principles. I am a Browns' fan. Ladies… I've got Mars bars.
FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – After giving up five touchdown passes last week, the Falcons defense instructs one of its cornerbacks to set up a toll booth at the goal line in order to increase team revenues. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 14.
CHIEFS AT VIKINGS – In October, it looked like these two teams were destined to play in the Super Bowl and though the Chiefs might still make it, the Vikings recent performance answers the question; Why isn't October called January? Chiefs 39, Vikings 10.
PATRIOTS AT JETS – It's a pointed ball. It can bounce in any of a million directions. This year, it always bounces to the Patriots. Good teams make their own luck or else they buy it from a catalog in Asia. Patriots 25, Jets 10.
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Two bad teams meet in Buffalo in December. Happy holidays from the makers of mittens and whiskey. Bills 30, Dolphins 20.
LIONS AT PANTHERS – In Carolina, time has gone backwards because now no one can make an airplane as good as first one made 100 years ago. Lions fans think similar things about their football team – at least it seems like 100 years since the Lions were a high-flying team. Panthers 24, Lions 18.
RAVENS AT BROWNS – As I truthfully explained in my first column, I am a liar. I will always pick the Browns even when I don't think they are going to win. This week, I actually think they are going to win and I really don't think I'm lying to myself. Browns 36, Ravens 3.
GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Jim Fassell should have said, "I can't quit. We stink. I shall fire myself." Cowboys 28, Giants 14.
TITANS AT TEXANS – My crystal ball is throwing out strange sparks on this game, as if the Texans are going to win and I know what I am talking about. This may be a malfunction. Texans 17, Titans 14.
SAINTS AT JAGUARS – No operator, I will not accept a collect call from the end zone. Saints 26, Jaguars 16.
BENGALS AT RAMS – Anybody remember the Bengals of the last ten years instead of the last ten games? This game is all about such sweet memories. Rams 45, Bengals 13.
CHARGERS AT STEELERS – This is the torture-the-terrorists game of the week. Saddam will be watching. Steelers 20, Chargers 10.
49ERS AT EAGLES – So Rush and I were talking the other day about how the scoreboard is playing favorites with Donovan McNabb because … Eagles 32, 49ers 16.
CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – The Vegas opening line was infinity. It's since gone up. Seahawks 107, Cardinals 2.
BRONCOS AT COLTS – Since Peyton Manning can apparently decide to become MVP of the NFL, it makes one wonder when will he ever decide to win a playoff game? Colts 29, Broncos 20.
PACKERS AT RAIDERS – It's weeks later but I can't stop laughing that Coach Bill Callahan called his Raiders "the dumbest team in America." I want to go to the company Christmas party. Maybe they're dumb enough to send me an invitation. I would dress as a fly on the wall. Packers 30, Raiders 26.
A year after Terrell Owens pulled out his Sharpie and signed a football for his agent, Joe Horn phoned me asking what's gonna happen next. I told him he would be ridiculed nationally as a fool, but first he would hang up on me.
Nevertheless, in the spirit of, can you top this?…I suggest the following ideas to players who score a touchdown on national television:
5. Fill your football pads with transformer-like gear and then unfold and do a Mr. Gadget dance in the end zone.
4. Hire a prop team to set up a banquet table with champagne, candles and a cooked goose under the goal posts.
3. Dig a hole under the end zone, discover a hidden treasure, and run through stands giving each fan a 50-cent coupon for hamburgers.
2. Act like a professional athlete, and hire strippers.
1. Give the ball to the referee. Act like you've been there before.
Finally, this. Rare sports franchises are storied enough to have actual royalty. We are lucky enough to root for one of them.
Rest in peace, Sir Otto Graham.
This column is sponsored by Plan B, because Plan A never works. Plus, Plan B has a better guitar player.
Brian Tarcy collaborated with Joe Theismann on The Complete Idiot's Guide to Football. He also wrote The Adventure of Leadership with Hap Klopp, who founded The North Face.