This is a football predictions' column and, lucky for you, I just found a coin.
I needed a coin. See, after last season's debacle, I sold my crystal ball to a woman named Martha on Wall Street so that I could buy cheese. She said people need cheese.
I was thrilled to find a coin. After a five-year diet of fermented orange snake oil served on old Napa Valley china by Carmen Policy, I was thrilled for cheese and options. Yes, a coin! Now, finally, there is a madness to my method.
Despite this random lucky event, my prediction method (madness!) remains grounded in Earth science - the kind devised by those who use the Earth to produce yeast and hops in grand experiments of pure deliciousness. Yes, to those great minds, I humbly offer mine. A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but I wouldn't remember and you could care less. You want insight. I've got a blind guess.
The Cleveland Browns will win. This, in fact, isn't quite science. But it is a method.
It goes: Heads, the Cleveland Browns will win. But if it is Tails, well that means that the Cleveland Browns will win. This coin - it makes my life easy.
So to those who bet gobs of money on the NFL and turn to every source imaginable looking for insight, you have just found the most honest prognosticator in the business.
Pssst (don't tell anyone!!) – I don't have a clue what's gonna happen. I am only going to say this once: I know nothing and neither do you, nor does anyone else. Watch out for people who tell you otherwise. In fact, science has proven, watch out for people.
If you lost thousands or millions of green dollars when you started reading and betting on my predictions in the second week of the season, er, sorry. Yet, really … if you just now, in week 16 or so, went back with vengeance in your eyes to look at these archives, someone should've warned you long ago that the Internet is full of idiots.
I only have a coin. But I can buy gum.
Chew on this.
The first week of the NFL season is a moment as pure as absolute greed can be. It is, in fact, capitalism working inside communism. It involves incentives enveloped in a fair system. It seems, on the surface, that every team has a chance. Somewhere in heaven, Karl Marx and Adam Smith are tailgating.
COLTS AT PATRIOTS – Before the game, a bloated Sir Elton John will sing the 30-year-old words of an angry adolescent in an opening show that will seem to have every corny element of Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve. Then, in the game, I see Willie McGinest coming up with a huge sack right at the end to help preserve a hard-fought Patriot's victory. If this happens, remember that I see the future. I have a magic coin. Patriots 27, Colts 24.
JAGUARS AT BILLS – Contrary to the opinions of some, Drew Bledsoe was not a 19th century gift from the French. And that's called a pocket, not Ellis Island. Jaguars 30, Bills 10.
LIONS AT BEARS – This game proves that, in week one, it is possible for every single team to dream of the Super Bowl. Even these two. Lions 27, Bears 16.
RAVENS AT BROWNS – Jamal Lewis is held to 9 yards on 28 carries, and at the end, Kellen Winslow Jr. runs over Ray Lewis at the goal line to start the new Cardiac Browns on their way to the Super Bowl. In an unrelated matter, Art Modell is disappointed by a recent court ruling that he is not allowed to sell his football team, his soul nor his mother more than once. Browns 14, Ravens 13.
BUCCANEERS AT REDSKINS – After a decade spent in NASCAR, Joe Gibbs' offense can only run left. Still, it works. Redskins 28, Buccaneers 23.
CARDINALS AT RAMS – Josh, the less-talented McCown brother plays great at QB, setting the stage for next season's Lukefest in Cleveland. Cardinals 24, Rams 21.
TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Despite the Ricky Williams-is-a-lazy-dope-smoking-bum arguments, it could be pointed out that marijuana is a proven performance-enhancing drug for running backs, basketball players, x-gamers, and Beatles. I suggest Ricky should be allowed to light up in the huddle. But, it turns out, Ricky already suggested that himself. Dolphins 12, Titans 10.
RAIDERS AT STEELERS – Malone, Bubby, Kordell, Maddox and, say a prayer, Roethlisberger. If Big Ben can live up to the legacy produced by the Steelers dynasty of duds, it's all good. On another matter, after last season for the Raiders, is Al Davis now wearing Depends under the tracksuit? Raiders 22, Steelers 17.
BENGALS AT JETS – If the Bengals are good, does that nullify the law of gravity? Bengals 28, Jets 20.
SEAHAWKS AT SAINTS – This season, Mike Holmgren's "genius" certification is on the line. It's true, George Seifert is holding a chair at his table for one-time geniuses. Saints 31, Seahawks 14.
FALCONS AT 49ERS – Mike Vick is confused to discover these guys play different than they do on Madden. 49ers 14, Falcons 9.
GIANTS AT EAGLES – After a couple of months of keeping it real in New York, Brenda Warner puts out a rap album. Kurt surprises everyone and plays great, the whole time bopping his head – with her songs of thuglife running through his head. Giants 38, Eagles 10.
COWBOYS AT VIKINGS – Much like his former Super Bowl opponent, Mike Holmgren, Bill Parcells has his legend wounded this year too. But unlike Holmgren, Parcells' legend is intact even if he loses every game. Vikings 41, Cowboys 18.
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – This is a nightmare for the Broncos, not because I think they will lose. I just want them to lose. Hell, I have a coin. Chiefs 28, Broncos 27.
PACKERS AT PANTHERS – The legend still has a few big games left. This is one. Packers 31, Panthers 28.
The miracle of sports is that no one knows what's gonna happen until after it happens. It's not drama in the same sense that your basic Keanu Reeves movie makes you wonder moment-by-moment how this could have been funded and who, besides you, actually paid for it. Sport, particularly the NFL, is different. It's full of John Elway and Ernest Byner moments. Sport is tragedy.
And, so we Cleveland fans have heard, it also contains ecstasy. That's what people say.
People…who trusts ‘em?
I am not people. Ask anyone. Trust me.
This is the year that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl. I have a good way of figuring these things out.
SUPER BOWL PREDICTION: BROWNS 31, VIKINGS 30.
This column is sponsored by Whaler Boat Veterans For Fish.