If all these hurricanes are signs of an impending apocalypse, football is more important than ever. My team, you see, has never won a Super Bowl. An apocalypse would be disastrous if the Cleveland Browns don't first win it all.
This is a prediction column. I predict that I am just kidding about the end of time.
I don't see an apocalypse coming. Yet if the end of time does arrive I think we can all get through it together, and then the next day should be cool. United we stand, and all that. We shall laugh at an apocalypse. Yes, join with me and tempt fate. Kumbaya or something.
After all, we're Browns' fans. We've been through worse.
Let the good times roll. This is the season – our season - it's only just beginning, and yet in the easy jaunt to the Lombardi Trophy, there will be other entertainment each week in the National Football League.
For instance, on Monday night, the two best receivers in the NFL will be playing with two of the best quarterbacks in football – both are quarterbacks that the Cleveland Browns could have had if they hadn't drafted the now unemployed Tim Ouch. That's a decision that makes it hurt to watch this game. But, like you…
I am ready for some football. I hope it doesn't rain.
RAMS AT FALCONS – The tight end for the Falcons is a man named Alge Crumpler, which sounds like the title of a person who helps make salads for whales. In other news Michael Vick, reportedly, has hired a HAZMAT team to finally get rid of all the kryptonite so he can get on with the superhero business he was allegedly sent to Earth to do. Falcons 25, Rams 16.
STEELERS AT RAVENS – Deion Sanders wears number 37 (for his age) on his back and he writes his old number, 21, on the back of his shoes. I am guessing that the man owns more than one mirror. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.
TEXANS AT LIONS – For an old, balding college basketball coach, Roy Williams does a great Lynn Swann impression. Oh, different guy? Well, am I the only person who still believes in Joey Harrington? Lions 22, Texans 20.
BEARS AT PACKERS – Ahman Green slithers and powers and slides and dashes enough to make one say, watch out for the Packers this year. Green and The Legend can win any game. Packers 38, Bears 22.
BRONCOS AT JAGUARS – I have never been to Jacksonville so I know for sure that it is a terrible choice to host a future Super Bowl. That's right, I offer you all the credibility of Fox News and CBS (can we just throw those two out and start over?) – and the added, er, factor, of no O'Reilly. This game, however, will by won by the Leftwich. Jaguars 17, Broncos 13.
PANTHERS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs defense stunk last year. So they fired the defensive coordinator but kept the same players. This year the defense appears to stink. Is coaching overrated, or is playing underrated? Chiefs 31, Panthers 28.
49ERS AT SAINTS – When Ivan evaded New Orleans, city residents had a much bigger worry – the Saints would have to play. 49ers 20, Saints 10.
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Joe Gibbs is the real deal. He could coach penguins to perform well in the tropics. Redskins 25, Giants 10.
COLTS AT TITANS – Peyton Manning and Steve McNair are co-MVPs that know that they aren't better or more valuable than Tom Brady. They may have more talent, but that is different. In this game, though, it's fun to watch and pretend they are the best. Colts 23, Titans 17.
SEAHAWKS AT BUCCANEERS – Jon Gruden's Mensa membership is debated by pointy-eared women who don't shave their legs and the other members of the genius club who vote on the perceived intelligence of "genius" coaches. Mike Holmgren's membership was also grudgingly renewed for a year. Seahawks 20, Buccaneers 13.
BROWNS AT COWBOYS – If Lee Suggs doesn't play, he won't have a good game. Somehow, the Browns will have a good game against a Cowboys team that doesn't think it is one of the worst teams in football. Vinny at 40? This tells me that I know more about football than Bill Parcells. And he is one of my football idols. I am confused, but not about this game. Browns 30, Cowboys 13.
PATRIOTS AT CARDINALS – All winning streaks must come to an end and because of the spirit of Pat Tillman combined with the word ‘patriot', the New England winning streak is stopped by karma in the desert. Cardinals 21, Patriots 13.
BILLS AT RAIDERS – This is the end, Drew Bledsoe. This, as Jim Morrison sang, is the end. Raiders 17, Bills 7.
JETS AT CHARGERS – As with Joey Harrington, am I the only one left who still believes in Marty Schottenheimer? Chargers 20 Jets 14.
DOLPHINS AT BENGALS – Media people think the Dolphins are not going to be terrible. I have heard the crazy muttering. Bengals 24, Dolphins 10.
VIKINGS AT EAGLES – As everyone in the media will tell you, this is a game pitting Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens against Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss. All other players on both rosters are going to a keg party in Atlantic City. The Vikings will be better at the end of the year. Eagles 27, Vikings 14.
Everywhere I go, people question me about my service to my country in 1972. At the time I was a political prisoner, and a combat-hardened veteran. I was a 7th grader in Catholic School. It was the last time I ever wore a tie. Phew! I feel better now.
Vote for him.
This column is sponsored by corporations bringing you erections that last longer than four hours, and by friendly women who own stock.