Psst - I've discovered "real"-looking documents that say the Cleveland Browns are a good football team. Plus a guy that I pay told me the team has weapons of mass production hidden somewhere, and someday they just might use them.
Obviously my crystal ball (if you noticed last week) is a piece of crap, much like those used by both 60 Minutes and the Pentagon. And, like those who deal in the great issues of our age, I offer "maybe, probably not – okay I have no clue but trust me if you want."
At least I got half my picks right. Yes, I have proof.
As for the other half of my picks, oops. Let me personally say that I am sorry. That helps, right?
CARDINALS AT FALCONS – Cardinals' starting quarterback Josh McCown, suddenly realizing that DNA tests have proven he is the older brother of the Cleveland Browns' third-string quarterback, again melts under the pressure of living up to his famous name. Falcons 24, Cardinals 15.
RAVENS AT BENGALS – If it is true, as it appears, that the Cincinnati Bengals have become respectable, I think it makes Marvin Lewis a sure bet, first-ballot Hall of Famer. This week, I predict Chad Johnson will run over Ray Lewis at the goal line. Bengals 20, Ravens 10.
BYE AT BUFFALO – There is reason for happiness in Buffalo. I just saved a load of money on my …okay, at least it's not winter in Buffalo.
EAGLES AT LIONS – Now it gets interesting. The quarterback and wide receiver tandem for the Lions will be better than the Eagles' tandem. But that's the future, and who has time for that. Eagles 23, Lions 10.
TEXANS AT CHIEFS – "It happens man," said Domanick Davis, after fumbling two times for the second week in a row. "It happens to the best of us." The best of us? How would he know? I've never fumbled in an NFL game. Have you? Chiefs 22, Texans 17.
STEELERS AT DOLPHINS – Every Dolphins' game requires prognosticators to make a Ricky Williams pot joke, and I had a good one just a minute ago but I can't remember it. Dolphins 17, Steelers 13.
BEARS AT VIKINGS – If the Bears beat the Vikings this week, I will eat my hat. Wait, no I won't. Why would I eat my hat, unless it was made of Oreos? And if it was, why wouldn't I eat it? Do I have to explain everything? Vikings 35, Bears 20.
BYE AT PANTHERS – DeShaun Foster pretends he doesn't have a Stephen Davis voodoo doll.
BROWNS AT GIANTS – When the game starts at 1 p.m., instead of 12:55, Giants' players look at Tom Coughlin like he is insane. Meanwhile, Jeff Garcia is seen reading the hip 1980s novel about wasted youth, LESS THAN ZERO, which begins with the line, "People are afraid to merge on the freeways in Los Angeles." Sometimes, playing quarterback can be like that. Browns 26, Giants 20.
SAINTS AT RAMS – On the bright side for the Saints, injured running back Deuce McAllister is expected to cheer really loud. Rams 20, Saints 9.
JAGUARS AT TITANS – The Jaguars like to win in the last seconds and this week is no different as Samari Rolle intercepts Byron Leftwich but is than stripped of the ball by Leftwich who runs 80 yards for a touchdown. It could happen. Jaguars 17, Titans 16.
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Two words this weekend in New England: "Yankees suck."
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Quentin Griffin runs, drops the ball and says, "Oops." If you say "Oops", people forgive you. Broncos 23, Chargers 7.
49ERS AT SEAHAWKS – This isn't fair, like Kerry versus Bush in Massachusetts or Texas. Seahawks 30, 49ers 10.
BYE AT JETS – New York on your week off. Is there anything to do?
BUCCANEERS AT RAIDERS – Pirates, Warren Sapp, Jon Gruden – this is common ground? Tampa and Oakland – sure those are similar. Raiders 30, Buccaneers 14.
COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – In the past decade, Joe Gibbs played with Hot Wheels while Bill Parcells coached every team in the NFL twice. And now they meet again. If the NFL had a coaching Mount Rushmore, both these guys could be on it. So who will win? Gibbs has better players. Redskins 28, Cowboys 22.
One time, and this relates specifically to this football season, the most beautiful girl in the world looked deep into my eyes and said, "Why are you looking at me like that?" I lost my ability to speak. I couldn't tell her it was because she had a booger hanging from her nose.
This column is sponsored by The Curse Of Alex Rodriguez.