My fellow Americans, I am a fan of the your favorite football team. My opponent roots for Satan.
I am smarter than the rocket scientists who invented sliced bread while my opponent is dumber than dirt with a learning disability.
My opponent is the strawberry-faced lovechild of a wine-soaked hobo and a five-dollar whore with cooties, whereas I am the only one on this podium who is the son of privilege and prep schools. And just in case names don't hurt, let me assure America that I also have sticks and stones.
As for all that stuff that my opponent just said about me, let me respond with; I know you are but what am I?
Finally, let me conclude by stating emphatically, Oh yeah?
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Once upon a time there was a heated argument in New England about who gave the New England Patriots the best chance to win – Tom Brady or Drew Bledsoe? Now, Bledsoe is involved in a similar argument in Buffalo only the choice is Drew Bledsoe or a snow shovel? Buffalo residents overwhelmingly want a snow shovel to play quarterback for one reason – the shovel is more mobile. Patriots 31, Bills 0.
EAGLES AT BEARS – Some teams peak in week 4. This is week 4, meet the Eagles. Eagles 42, Bears 13.
REDSKINS AT BROWNS – Sigh. This year's Browns are not the worst team in the history of football. So that's good, right? Lee Suggs might be a savior. And, um, you know, other stuff. The Browns will win because the Redskins will lose. That's why! Browns 20, Redskins 14.
BYE AT DALLAS – Vinny Testaverde finally has time to listen to oldies and talk to his contemporaries about bowel movements.
GIANTS AT PACKERS – Kurt Warner, after throwing against the Browns' excuse for a secondary, thinks he ready to demand that the Giants trade Eli Manning. But by the second half, he understands that he, not Eli, will need a job next year. Packers 28, Giants 12.
RAIDERS AT TEXANS – David Carr is going to get his hair cut if he proves he can run with scissors. Texans 20, Raiders 10.
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Peyton Manning, challenged by a defense that isn't wearing Patriots' uniforms, laughs. Colts 24, Jaguars 6.
BENGALS AT STEELERS – This is a game that always makes me think I am going to hell because I hate both of these teams and I am sad that I have so much hatred except that I love my hate. Steelers 17, Bengals 13.
BYE AT LIONS – The two most common questions in Detroit – "Are the Lions really 2-1? How did that happen?"
SAINTS AT CARDINALS – Josh McCown, worried about letting down his brother wearing an orange helmet, rises to the occasion. Cardinals 23, Saints 20.
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – This is one of those why-God-invented-the-NFL games. Falcons 24, Panthers 20.
JETS AT DOLPHINS – Curtis Martin reminds the Dolphins that it helps to have a great running back. The Dolphins never figured this out apparently. Jets 27, Dolphins 20.
BYE AT VIKINGS – No opponent this week, sort of like playing the Bears last week.
BRONCOS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers are 0-3 and Jon Gruden has discovered that unlike most humans, he is getting dumber with age. Broncos 30, Buccaneers 7.
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Mike Holmgren goes grunge. Oh wait, he already is. Smells like teen spirit? Smells like somebody ate beans.
RAMS AT 49ERS – Already, nobody cares. 49ers 21, Rams 17.
As we perhaps wave a sad goodbye to Courtney Brown's career, it does again remind one that the Cleveland Browns drafted Tim Couch, Courtney Brown and Gerard Warren instead of Donovan McNabb, Lavar Arrington and Richard Seymour.
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