What's Gonna Happen: Week 5

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Preachers say that there are better things to do in life than to hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. I've searched my soul as well as my social calendar and I can't come up with one.

This makes for an easy and consistent to-do list.

When I awaken in the morning, I scratch and hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. As I chew my Wheeties and beer (breakfast of champions!), I am busy hating the Pittsburgh Steelers. All day long, it happens. As I drive to shop for more Wheeties and beer, or slave away in the word factory run by my editor, I successfully expend useful and otherwise productive energy hating the Pittsburgh Steelers.

You should try it. It's fun, and it's free.

LIONS AT FALCONS – Two young quarterbacks take cues from our esteemed presidential candidates by airing ads attacking each other's credibility. "He's a flip-flopper," each says of the other. "Sometimes he throws touchdowns and sometimes he doesn't." Turns out, Mike Vick runs for them too. Falcons 23, Lions 17.

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – They say that Tom Coughlin is a horrible coach that no one will listen to and that Kurt Warner is washed up. Who are they? (Oh, that was me, sorry, I only joined "They" because I got a good tee time.) The standings say the Giants are 3-1. Giants 16, Cowboys 13.

VIKINGS AT TEXANS – It's time to start growing your hair again, David Carr. Vikings 30, Texans 13.

BYE AT BEARS – The sad state of the Bears perhaps explains why Chicago needed Oprah.

RAIDERS AT COLTS – By the end, viewers will be begging for a mercy killing. Al Davis mulls the concept. Colts 42, Raiders 9.

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Winning streaks are the topic of the day and but I still can't figure out how America decides the topic each day. Seems like an extra chore and that might explain why so many people forget to brush their teeth. C'mon people, you're eating garlic! Patriots 24, Dolphins 7.

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Now that Chris Simms is the quarterback of the Buccaneers, I can only hope Chris and broadcaster Phil Simms have one of those player/media feuds because this one could really be special. Saints 14, Buccaneers 10.

BYE AT BENGALS – Have you been to Cincinnati? That's why the players spend the weekend in Kentucky.

BROWNS AT STEELERSJeff Garcia, as goes the plan, is sacked twice in the first quarter. Once the Browns get those requirements out of the way, things go fine as Lee Suggs runs for 124 yards and two touchdowns. Bill Cowher in frustration eats his chin. "It's been sitting in front of me for years," explains Cowher. Browns 23, Steelers 16.

BILLS AT JETS – The Jets are one of the best teams in the AFC. That's why they'll lose to the Bills, who are one of the worst teams in the conference. Just bang your head on a brick wall eight times and I promise you will understand my logic. Bills 21, Jets 13.

JAGUARS AT CHARGERS – This is the first call to hop on board the bandwagon because the San Diego Chargers are going on a roll. I am not quite sure how that previous sentence got typed but union rules require that I leave it there. Chargers 29, Jaguars 10.

BYE AT CHIEFS – Dick Vermeil throws a party to celebrate bunnies and sunshine.

PANTHERS AT BRONCOS – Though Mike Shanahan has fallen behind Bill Belichick in the genius coach department, this year's readjustment to a defensive team proves that Shanahan continues to buy brain cells on the black market. An investigation is launched. Broncos 20, Panthers 10.

CARDINALS AT 49ERS – Someone told me that the NFL was going to try to sell this game to the public and I laughed. The league wouldn't do something so low to its loyal fans. The NFL cares about you. Cardinals 23, 49ers 13.

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Am I the only one in the world who is happy every time Mike Martz has to explain how his genius produced a loss? If his loser press conference is aired live, the guy in charge of the bleep button will need finger surgery later. Oh, the joy! Seahawks 25, Rams 13.

BYE AT EAGLES – On his week off, Terrell Owens plans to sell some of his ego on Ebay. Yes, it's autographed.

RAVENS AT REDSKINSJoe Gibbs is so frustrated with the play of his team that in the fourth quarter he takes the field in a racecar and runs over a deer-eyed Ray Lewis at the goal line. Redskins 20, Ravens 10.

TITANS AT PACKERS – Both of these teams are 1-3, proving that all the hurricanes, and now the volcano, are a powerful signs. One of these teams better win or I'm printing a "The World is Ending" sign and going to a crosswalk to warn others. Packers 23, Titans 17.

In 1967, a bunch of peace-loving hippies visited the Pentagon with the belief that if they sang and chanted the building would levitate, turn orange, drive out evil spirits, and end the Vietnam War.

The Pentagon never budged.

But it was a good idea. It was just the wrong cause at the wrong time. The world wasn't ready for such power. But I think the NFL is ready.

I believe now, if we all chant and sing, perhaps the Browns will levitate, turn the rest of the NFL orange and drive away evil opponents, and end the Lombardi Trophy drought.

What? Like anything else has worked?

This column is sponsored by the National Coalition of Ignorant Voters and Informed Non-voters.

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