Ignore that Grim Reaper behind the curtain.
Yes, stay the course. If you use every muscle in your brain you can ignore the evidence this football season has offered. Then you can believe, like I do, that the Cleveland Browns are on a sure path to winning the Super Bowl. Whiskey helps.
Be careful what you ask for. You asked for it. Okay, I asked for it too - this expansion team with its over-hyped college coach. I am today beginning a crusade against over-hyped college coaches (see Steve Spurrier, Rick Pitino et. al.), not to mention my ongoing petition drive against expansion teams masquerading as legendary organizations.
Oh, my brain hurts. The only solution is to trade the entire draft for Ricky Williams. He can help us forget our problems.
I am a scoundrel and a liar, and I approved this message.
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – The Dolphins are checking the NFL rules to see if there is anyway they can play a playoff game at the end of the season so that, as a bookend to their 1972 perfect 17-0 season, they can finish a perfect 0-17 this year. The Bills help the cause. Bills 28, Dolphins 10.
CHARGERS AT FALCONS – Last week, I announced the Chargers bandwagon was going places. It continues this week. On the bright side for the Falcons, Mike Vick plays really well in those commercials. Chargers 26, Falcons 20.
BYE AT CARDINALS – A couple weeks ago Emmitt Smith threw a touchdown on the first passing attempt of his career. He is now the Cardinals starting QB.
TEXANS AT TITANS – Remember the Titans? Why bother? Texans 30, Titans 12.
PANTHERS AT EAGLES – The Panthers are one of those International Red Cross teams. So even though the Eagles are due for a letdown the Panthers don't have enough weapons left to let them down. Eagles 24, Panthers 10.
49ERS AT JETS – The Jets are undefeated which is really astonishing because my crystal ball still says they won't even make the playoffs. As for the 49ers, last week Tim Rattay won NFC offensive player of the week. Yes, he's the guy who replaced Jeff (or is it Jerry with a shaved head) Garcia. 49ers 29, Jets 27.
BYE AT RAVENS – A little girl in pink pigtails, visiting from Cleveland, runs over Ray Lewis with her tricycle.
SEAHAWKS AT PATRIOTS – Though the one-game-at-a-time Patriots are distracted with worries about Curt Schilling's ankle, they win in order to prevent an entire region from chugging tainted Kool-Aid. Patriots 19, Seahawks 13.
CHIEFS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars can't score and the Chiefs can't stop anyone. What will happen? This is like figuring if God can make a rock big enough that He can't lift. Yes, it's that level of deep. Chiefs 32, Jaguars 9.
PACKERS AT LIONS – All I can say about previous predictions is that I was given faulty intelligence when it came to the Packer's weapons. Lions 24, Packers 14.
BENGALS AT BROWNS – The Bengals come in dressed as Power Rangers. Jerry Garcia, who had shaved his head these past few years so he wouldn't get harassed by Deadheads, never actually died but simply gave up his guitar to throw spirals. But since this year is going so poorly, Garcia grows his hair, beard and gut back and starts the game by improvising a 45-minute scramble in much the way he used to amble about on his exhaustive guitar solos. Running this way and that, he puts the defense in a trance. Yes, that's my theory on how the Browns will win this week. Browns 19, Bengals 13.
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – This game is like a menu – a Reuben with no Rice. Broncos 26, Raiders 12.
STEELERS AT COWBOYS – Big Ben is good, huh? Yeah, right. C'mon, who'd he beat? Oh, oh yeah. Steelers 25, Cowboys 23.
BYE AT GIANTS – Kids all over town want an Eli Manning clipboard.
VIKINGS AT SAINTS – Daunte Culpepper throws touchdown passes in his sleep. Vikings 29, Saints 10.
BUCCANEERS AT RAMS – At quarterback for the Buccaneers, Brian Griese, son of former NFL star Bob Griese, replaced injured Chris Simms, son of former NFL star Phil Simms. It appears that they could put in the son of Johnny Unitas (are athletes put out to stud?) and it wouldn't matter. The only thing that could help would be if they had the son of Mrs. Brady, but Tom is employed by the son of Mrs. Belichick. Rams 34, Buccaneers 20.
Do you remember Coach Chris Palmer? Do you think the Cleveland Browns would be better if he stayed in charge the past few years?
Could it be worse?
Yes, I believe the Cleveland Browns are a team destined to win the Super Bowl, as long as the NFL holds a Super Bowl every year, forever. That's my level of confidence – in the Browns against infinity, I'm betting on the Browns.
This column is sponsored by the mayor of the village of Temporary Insanity, in the land of Permanent Bliss.