I am filing this dispatch from Hell.
I have come here by Greyhound Bus to report that the cliché is true. As soon as the Boston Red Sox beat the New York Yankees in game 7 of the ALCS, this place froze solid. Even the special bed of nails waiting here for Art Modell is iced up.
When I met Satan, he had just finished his laundry. He was wearing a freshly crapped-on (how do you think the Satan does laundry?) Yankees' hat, and a vomit-soaked Steelers' jersey. He bragged that his teams are better than Cleveland teams.
Satan is a jerk.
After complaining about the Yankees pitching for an hour, he then went on and on about how the corporate Yankee look is really his idea. This Johnny Damon hippie stuff is "evil" (meaning good!), said Satan.
Then he turned to football and said he may have finally put a good quarterback back in Pittsburgh. As I have told you before, I am just the messenger.
JAGUARS AT COLTS – The Colts come off a bye week expecting to explode offensively but in the last seconds of the game, Byron Leftwich throws four touchdown passes because that's what he needed to do. Jaguars 35, Colts 31.
EAGLES AT BROWNS – Jeff Garcia throws for three touchdowns and runs for two others while Anthony Henry intercepts three passes in front of Terrell Owens and by the end Owens, reminiscent of Pedro Martinez, is telling everyone that Jeff Garcia is his Daddy. Meanwhile, Antonio Bryant throws a towel in Butch Davis' face and, at that, Cleveland Browns Stadium is louder than it has ever been. Browns 36, Eagles 20.
CHARGERS AT PANTHERS – The Chargers, having read that this column believes in them, rolled the dice and went out to get Keenan McCardell. This proves you should never underestimate the power of positive delusional thinking. Chargers 22, Panthers 14.
BYE AT TEXANS – They have big plans to see the Astros in the World Series. Big plans!
BILLS AT RAVENS – It's his day off so Jamal Lewis snorts cocaine with FBI agents because that's what smart running backs do. Meanwhile Drew Bledsoe, who couldn't run over a crippled baby, runs over Ray Lewis at the goal line while tough guy Ray fills the Depends he wears under his uniform. Bills 20, Ravens 17.
BEARS AT BUCCANEERS – This is the Misery Bowl. How bad is it? Tim Ouch is getting a tryout for the Bears QB job and Jon Gruden is trying out for the part of a human "Chuckie" in a remake of the movie. Ouch. Buccaneers 10, Bears 9.
LIONS AT GIANTS – That Yankees' loss is finally explained…Babe Ruth was cheering for Kurt Warner this year. Giants 30, Lions 17.
BYE AT STEELERS – Steelers fans turn to each other and ask, earnestly, "What is soap?"
TITANS AT VIKINGS – Daunte Culpepper throws five touchdown passes. This is a recording. Vikings 35, Titans 19.
RAMS AT DOLPHINS – Another loophole in Florida election law allows the Dolphins to be replaced in the NFL by 53 squirrels, who run the ball surprisingly well. Meanwhile the Rams are destined to lose like their baseball counterparts. Dolphins 22, Rams 20.
FALCONS AT CHIEFS – "I feel like I can do almost anything," said Michael Vick. I would like to hear my quarterback say that. Falcons 31, Chiefs 28.
BYE AT 49ERS – Having beat the Cardinals, the 49ers are reasonably sure they won't lose this week.
JETS AT PATRIOTS – Repeat after me – the Jets are a pretend good team. The Jets are a pretend good team. Patriots 30, Jets 10.
SAINTS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders offense revolved completely around Jerry Rice. Every play up till now was about Jerry Rice. Now what will they do? Same as before. Saints 25, Raiders 10.
COWBOYS AT PACKERS – Quincy Morgan will drop even more passes in Dallas than he did in Cleveland. Packers 24, Cowboys 16.
BYE AT REDSKINS – Politics dominates the talk in Washington and that means that no one is talking about the Redskins. In fact, the team is so split between Kerry and Bush supporters that the Supreme Court had to intervene.
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – As part of his new contract, Jerry Rice gets one of those motorized scooters they advertise on late night television. He has newfound breakaway speed. Seahawks 33, Cardinals 22.
BRONCOS AT BENGALS – The Bengals, in their Power Rangers uniforms, have again to realize that they are Cincinnati Bengals. It's like finding God. Broncos 40, Bengals 20.
I am doing research to help you riot when the Browns win the Super Bowl this year.
After the Red Sox beat the Yankees here in my adopted state of Massachusetts, I was drinking flu shots by the dozens when I mistakenly flipped over a Chevy and lit it on fire. I only did it because some guy said, "Hey let's flip over that Chevy and light in on fire."
I wouldn't have done it on my own. I can think for myself.
So remember, this year when the Browns win the Super Bowl, if someone suggests that you flip over a Chevy and light it on fire, say, "No. I'd rather flip over a foreign car."
That's how to celebrate.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do another flu shot. And then I'm not going to wash my hands.
Babe Ruth is dead, Keith Richards is still alive. Cheers!
This column is sponsored by the Mel Gibson movie, The Passion of Johnny Damon.