Yesterday in Hooters at the weekly editorial board meeting for this column, two guys walked in and said they were running for President of the United States of America.
After my board explained that we'd never heard of the place, these two self-proclaimed statesmen told me that you, my readers, rule the world. I pointed out that most of you live in a trailer and don't actually know how to read.
But George and John – that's what they called themselves when not calling the other a "doodyhead" - begged for your attention.
I think they said something about an election on Tuesday. The truth is I wasn't paying that close of attention myself because I was thinking I need a trip to the mountains.
They explained it this way: In this year's election, Ohio decides it all and Browns' fans, specifically the three of you who read this column, will decide Ohio.
Preposterous? No it is not. In the last election, when Florida decided it all, it came down to the whims of three blue-haired women named Phyllis in West Palm Beach.
And now it turns out that you are the most important person in the world. Hey, I'm surprised too. After all, I've met you. Still, the fate of the entire planet is apparently in your hands.
Please vote. Thanks.
CARDINALS AT BILLS – This could be like watching two drunks fighting at closing time – lots of bravado and anger but only one punch lands. The candidates use attack ads about blizzards and a cactus because you have to spend billions somehow. Bills 7, Cardinals 0.
LIONS AT COWBOYS – Just when Bill Parcells has you thinking he's lost it, he finds it in his refrigerator. The candidates use attack ads about healthcare showing Bill Parcells because showing Bill Parcells scares people. Cowboys 27, Lions 17.
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – At the last second, Byron Leftwich hands the ball off to Fred Taylor and Leftwich is again credited with a great comeback. Hell of a handoff! The candidates use attack ads showing that people from the north are goddamn Northeners. Kerry's is especially effective. Jaguars 23, Texans 20.
BYE AT BROWNS – While in Cleveland, one presidential candidate proposes that, "If I am elected, the Cleveland Browns will draft a bunch of really good offensive lineman." This column endorses that candidate.
COLTS AT CHIEFS – Each team scores 5,000 points, but then the referees and Supreme Court get involved. Meanwhile candidates launch attack ads condemning the other side for proposing taxes on offenses that score 5,000 points or more. And just then, a joint investigation by CBS News and FOX News reveals that not everything you hear is true. Colts 38, Chiefs 32.
GIANTS AT VIKINGS – Kurt Warner is found to be wearing a Halloween mask of Kurt Warner when he could do anything. The candidates use attack ads showing that people from the south are goddamn Southerners. Bush's ad is particularly effective. Vikings 31, Giants 12.
BENGALS AT TITANS – Cancelled due to lack of interest. Candidates launch attack ads about sleep. Titans 17, Bengals 13.
BYE AT SAINTS – Halloween in New Orleans isn't real. It never happens. Candidates launch attack ads about how the devil possessed the opponent and each candidate denies the subsequent photos.
PACKERS AT REDSKINS – No one cares. Candidates launch attack ads about how horrible it is that no one cares. Packers 20, Redskins 10.
RAVENS AT EAGLES – Terrell Owens runs over Ray Lewis and then he does it again and again, and again. Candidates launch attack ads about who would better contain Ray Lewis and how they would best run over Ray Lewis. Eagles 30, Ravens 3.
FALCONS AT BRONCOS – The Broncos lost on Monday night football to the Bengals and the Falcons gave up 56 points to the Chiefs. In the Embarrassment Bowl, the Broncos are the home team and the better team. Candidates launch attack ads about embarrassing stuff. Broncos 35, Falcons 21.
BYE AT RAMS – The city celebrates the good fortune of Boston, like it is trained to do. Candidates launch attack ads about how horrible Boston is. Kerry's ad is particularly poignant, and yet it oddly mentions Texas.
PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – When two bad teams pretend to look good that means one of them ends up looking good. Candidates launch attack ads about deception. Seahawks 23, Panthers 7.
PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – Other coaches adore a young quarterback but Ben Roethlisberger will find out that Bill Belichick laughs at rookies no matter how good they are. Candidates launch attack ads about rookies and about Belichick, just to cover their bases. Patriots 23, Steelers 20.
RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers have a bandwagon and I own the bus. Candidates launch attack ads against bus drivers, causing California to vote for Ralph Kramden. Chargers 30, Raiders 13.
BYE AT BUCCANEERS – When anyone says how bad the Buccaneers are, Jon Gruden changes the subject and raises money for hurricane victims, who by now live in castles. Candidates launch attack ads about hurricane victims that got enough money to live in castles. Castle builders endorse somebody.
49ERS AT BEARS – No one knows why this game hasn't been cancelled. NASA has sent a rocket probe to investigate since no human would dare. Candidates launch attack ads about anything to distract from this game. People are thankful for the entertainment and distraction, and donate more. Bears 20, 49ers 19.
DOLPHINS AT JETS – The Dolphins stay in Florida to vote as many times as they can before Tuesday. It's in their contract and the Florida Constitution that they can. Candidates launch attack ads against multiple-voting Dolphins. Jets 30, Dolphins 10.
And, on Tuesday…
BUSH VERSUS KERRY – Before news anchors can even wet their pants for drama, it will be almost a landslide. Yes, an election polling this close can only end one way. Somebody is going to win big. It won't be close. You heard it here first. There will be a clear, near-landslide winner. Who is it going to be? Well that's up to you three voters. I'll be watching football.
This column is sponsored by the United States of America.