What's Gonna Happen: Week 9

<B>(Home of Moral Values)</B><BR><BR> Whose turn is it to run over Ray Lewis this week?

Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial
- Bob Dylan

What a perfect week to prove the obvious – Divided we stand.

First, we finish a brutal, mud-slinging political campaign pitting state against state and brother against brother. And then the Browns play the Baltimore Ravens.

Flip the famous question: What's so good about peace, love and understanding?

JETS AT BILLSDrew Bledsoe is sacked so many times that the slow kid who works in the grocery store asks if it is okay to put eggs in there with him. It is okay, because they look like zeroes. Jets 30, Bills 0.

REDSKINS AT LIONS – The young quarterback in Washington wishes he had a situation like the young quarterback in Detroit. That sentence has not been written in decades. Lions 24, Redskins 13.  

CARDINALS AT DOLPHINS – The Cardinals have lost 17 straight on the road and the Dolphins earlier this year lost to Jerry's kids. So Sunday the Cardinals win without scoring because the Dolphins end up with negative points. Cardinals 0, Dolphins (negative) 3. 

BYE AT FALCONS Michael Vick was NFC player of the week, the Falcons crushed the Broncos in Denver, and now the team has the week off to reflect on the election and their role in American history. Whew, a heady week indeed.

EAGLES AT STEELERSTerrell Owens justifiably points out that Ray Lewis has a bit more, er, baggage than a mere Sharpie. While Owens concerns himself with a player not on the field, politics takes over this game. Philly voted for Kerry. Pittsburgh voted for Bush. Fair and square, Steelers win. Steelers 30, Eagles 20.

CHIEFS AT BUCCANEERS – Last week the Chiefs scored 4 million points while the Buccaneers had a bye so their offense was about average for the season. Chiefs 36, Buccaneers 13.

COWBOYS AT BENGALSBill Parcells, Vinny Testaverde and Eddie George visit a Laundromat to see who is the most washed up. The Bengals live in that particular Laundromat. Cowboys 23, Bengals 21.

BYE AT PACKERS – In Wisconsin, Bruce Springsteen performs a benefit for the Packers because they represent false hope.

RAIDERS AT PANTHERS – Two recent Super Bowl teams act like they have never heard of the game. Panthers 3, Raiders 0.

SAINTS AT CHARGERSDrew Brees has made millions in weeks because of the raise in the minimum wage law and because Marty Schottenheimer is still a great coach. Let me remind you that I am driving the Chargers' bandwagon. Chargers 31, Saints 21.  

SEAHAWKS AT 49ERS – While every receiver on the Seahawks is hurt, Seattle will outscore the 49ers because the 49ers can't score. Seahawks 13, 49ers 3.    

BYE AT JAGUARSByron Leftwich is hurt so David Garrard hears conflicting stories: one of Andy Warhol and 15 minutes, and one of Wally Pipp and Lou Gehrig.  

BEARS AT GIANTS – Starting a former Ohio State quarterback, such the Bears are with Craig Krenzel, gives a team as much chance as the Democrats have when they run a Massachusetts candidate on the national ticket. Giants 34, Bears 17.

TEXANS AT BRONCOS Houston already looks like a legitimate NFL team because the players they drafted actually have talent. What a concept. Texans 21, Broncos 20.

PATRIOTS AT RAMS Ty Law and Ty Poole so the Patriots should lose to the still-pretty-good show on turf in St. Louis. Yet in all situations, even a shootout, don't discount Tom Brady. Patriots 41, Rams 37.

BYE AT TITANS – Now that the election has cast a pall on stem-cell research, scientists turn to studying Steve McNair's body for its resilient qualities.

BROWNS AT RAVENS – In the first quarter, William Green and Lee Suggs take turns running over Ray Lewis at the goal line. While Jeff Garcia is sacked twice in the first quarter, because those sacks are in the game plan, the running game takes over. And then in the second half Antonio Bryant catches a touchdown and declares he is the best receiver in Browns' history. He means the new Browns. Browns 30, Ravens 10.  

VIKINGS AT COLTS – After the scoreboard explodes, air traffic controllers are called in to restore order. Vikings 41, Colts 31.

This column is sponsored by moral values, and bullets.

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