When the Pittsburgh Steelers began this recent winning streak, I followed billboards to the top of a Himalayan mountain. I visited the wisest man on Earth.
I told him that my soul hurt. He sold me salsa and then bragged of his new ab machine. I ate some salsa and told him that I already have an ab machine called "beer." He then informed me that the Steelers are going to be a great football team for a decade.
In light of the subsequent "accident" I'd like to congratulate the former second-wisest man on Earth for his recent promotion. And I'd really like to thank the State Department for getting me out of there.
The Steelers kept winning. I went to see a psychiatrist. She prescribed Listerine and Viagra.
I pointed out that this might be a potent-enough concoction to get you stress-free through, say, Mardi Gras. But a good Steelers team is vastly more frightening to a Cleveland native and requires a drastic remedy.
She then suggested that I learn to like the Steelers. Thus, I'd like to apologize to her family and, of course, thank my court-appointed lawyer for letting me pay my bills with salsa.
STEELERS AT BROWNS – Sign, sign, everywhere a sign. When Terrell Owens came in, the street poets declared "T.O. has B.O." This week, expect to see, "Rothlisberger has a Bottle of Boogers." Okay, maybe not that. I admit that I am no street poet. You people, though! Whew! T.O. has B.O.? America has found a new poet laureate. On the field, the Browns offense will continue to click using tight ends (yes, dream of Winslow) and the secondary will come up big. They better. Browns 30, Steelers 12.
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – You never know until game time whether Michael Vick brought his Superman costume. He did. Falcons 36, Buccaneers 20.
TEXANS AT COLTS – Last week, Jabar Gaffney was celebrating a touchdown with fans when a persnickety official pointed out he actually had to carry the ball into the end zone. Rules! To get even, Gaffney began celebrating this coming Sunday's victory on Tuesday. When the game ends, he asks, "Why do you have to score more points than the other team?" Rules! Colts 39, Texans 17.
BYE AT BRONCOS – Six new medical clinics open in Denver to deal with injured players.
LIONS AT JAGUARS – David Garrard is supposed to start at quarterback for the Jaguars, but security doesn't recognize him and he can't get in the stadium. Lions 24, Jaguars 21.
CHIEFS AT SAINTS – Hey Aaron Brooks! Throw it to me. I'm open! Chiefs 41, Saints 13.
RAVENS AT JETS – When Ray Lewis interferes on every pass play because he can, the Jets decided to use the obvious strategy of letting Curtis Martin run over Ray Lewis until Ray Lewis whimpers and begs someone to give him his Barbie doll back. Ravens 22, Jets 17.
BYE AT DOLPHINS – Coach Wannstedt is now with his best player, living in a tent and whittling bongs in Asia. I smell expansion, a team in Bali. And I crave cookies!
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – The Rams are one of those did-you-take-your-medication teams. When they're good, they're very good. This week, they remembered. Rams 30, Seahawks 25.
BENGALS AT REDSKINS – The person who designed the Bengals' uniforms has been hospitalized after taking all the LSD in the world. Bengals 20, Redskins 10.
BYE AT RAIDERS – Al Davis fires Norv Turner and hires Johnny Cochran as his coach because the team is criminally bad.
GIANTS AT CARDINALS – Giants fans want their quarterback to stink fast, so they can see his replacement. It's hard to stink against the Cardinals. Giants 21, Cardinals 16.
VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Rivalry game, no Randy Moss and the Packers are at home. I'm not a scientist but I can do basic math. Packers 36, Vikings 20.
PANTHERS AT 49ERS – This game has been relocated to a Pop Warner League, and not the top division either. 49ers 19, Panthers 14.
BYE AT CHARGERS – Marty Schottenheimer is currently a much better coach than Joe Gibbs or Bill Parcells. The bandwagon is filling up. Weeks ago, I told you so. (This is the only time I've ever been right. I've never once been able to say, "I told you so" to anyone.) Wow! I told you so! I told you so! This is so therapeutic. I told you so! I'm going to try to be right about something else.
BILLS AT PATRIOTS – During the National Anthem, this game will be really close. Patriots 39, Bills 10.
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – This game won't be close during the National Anthem. Eagles 42, Cowboys 14.
When the Steelers started beating undefeated teams and people declared them to be the best team in football, I visited the most beautiful woman in the world. She lives in an undisclosed location because I am not a moron.
Not surprisingly, the most beautiful woman in the world is a front runner. She was, at first, wearing a Steelers' shirt. But then I told her I own an ab machine. She told me she liked my breath and commented that I seemed happy to see her.
It turns out, after all my searching, that healing is available. Well, symbolic healing.
This column is sponsored by People for the Ethical Treatment of Words.